Even More

 I watched the supposed "last interview" or last sighting or whatever, and even tho the pap was a dick, as they all seem to be, he was polite and gave him and handshake as he went off. He was also all alone which made him seem humble. I mean god he was just a real guy for gods sake, why do i do this to celebs? Its horrible that hes dead, not because he was a celeb, but because he was a normal guy in a horrible car crash. Maybe at the airport he was texting his strangely young gf (who is older than me ahem) or his daughter, i mean, normal stuff. He seemed to have been a guy that was around people all the time, liked the outdoors and doing new things, crazy things, all about new experiences, the adrenaline, about LIFE and living it and seeing all he could see and feeling all he could feel. After I watched that I turned back to my latin homework, and sat there for a minute looking at my struggles over how to conjugate "have been" vs "had been"... my life is so tedious and unmeaningful and full of unnecessary things. I don't live, I don't interact with people, I dont try new things, I don't like new feelings, I dont travel, I dont do everything i can to enjoy life. Life is something i kind of slog through right now. Its hard and not fun. But I think its in me. I love the outdoors, and I love adrenaline rushes. Maybe I have it in me somewhere. There this quote, that you cant love until you have been loved. You cant ever love anything if you live in isolation. It made me so sad and hopeless because thats exactly what i do, and if thats true i dont know how im ever going to be able to find someone and live a normal life ... "meeting people" and "putting myself" out there are so strangely impossible for me. I think its because i dont have any confidence.. but i dont have confidence becasue i dont go out with people... so its a horrible vicious cycle. I need an injection of confidence that lasts years, and then maybe i can turn my sad life around. I was thinking, again, of a br. Its been off the table for a while, but it might be the only way out. maybe its my body that is holding me back, ive always been ashamed of it. If i had a hot bod, maybe, or rather, i know, that confidence would come and id probably get cocky. And THEN, with that confidence in my back pocket, i could ask people out and talk with them without being crushed and ruined if im rejected. What is it abou confidence, what a random thing that rules my entire life. Does it rule everyone? the world ? does you sucsess and happiness depend on your confidence level? THe only thing I want in this world is to find happiness, at least something close to what PW seemed to have found. THanks for being my inspiration for life, even though you might have at sometimes, been a douche.