Story Time

I used to have story time with this kid who was a couple grades younger than me in high school, we had this bagel business together and would ride around and I told him all my most scandalous stories. In that spirit, although a little more serious, I'd like to talk about a realization I had in the shower today about my past boyfriends, or rather, my past friends with bennies. I was thinking about PW and how i though that i tended to go for 90's jock types, but then i was like, no, all the guys ive been with have been pothead deadbeat losers. Cases in point:

#1: came from a dysfunctional family, was a pothead, and i mean to the extreme: he had anger issues and smoked pot to calm down and be a normal person and not want to scream and punch things every second. He was a dick when he wasn't high, I can attest to that. I think he was always a little self involved, he never made much of an effort to get to know me, never seemed to care about me. Anyways pot was what our relationship revolved around, basically; we would smoke and drink and then do stuff. At one point, which I just remembered today, like it dawned on me suddenly this is what he meant: he said once, "Yea I don't mind that you smoke my weed, because I know that you'll pay for it in other ways." As in, he expected sex in exchange for weed! Like, he thought that little of me, he wasn't giving me weed out of the kindness of his heart, he actually wanted payment. Weed meant more to him that I did, and I think thats the moral of this story here. Also when I broke up with him, a friend (#2) said that later that day in lacrosse practice he was joking about it, carefree, saying stuff like, bitch you cant break up with ME, and like raising his hand and stuff. Kind of scary in retrospect. God all these things keep coming back to me about this guy: when we first started dating, we kissed or something, and after that I kept thinking he would officially ask me out, but we talked on the phone a little later, and he said, uh, so, we're dating right? it was so unceremonious. I just giggled as i always did and said of course! I didn't know anything.

#2: Kind of a long story with this one. He gave me a lot of attention in the beginning of high school, he told me once he saw me, my friend, and another girl standing together at freshman orientation and said to his buddy, those are the three hottest girls in our class right there, so I'm sure thats why I got his attention. He did everything right, he took me out to his favorite spots on the tops of hills and we watched the stars come out. We started hooking up actually after I broke up with #1, he made himself available to console me, and always was saying bad stuff about #1 and trying to get me to move on to him. Looking back, I see thats what he was all about - he wanted me to go out with him, he wanted me to be his totally. Anyways I dont know why I hooked up with him, I always felt gross and horrible after doing it, he wasnt that attractive. But he played some serious mind games with me and I always felt like I had to, in payment for all these nice things he did for me. At the end of one summer, he called me up and asked if I would go out with him. I remember being silent, and then just saying, I dont feel that way about you, but i still want to be friends... and he just got all pissed and did that guilt trip thing and sighed and sounded really disappointed in me and hung up. I've debated a lot in this situation if i was at all to blame; I think i liked his attention, and although i didnt like him as a guy, i wanted to keep him around so he would keep flattering me. Thats not very honorable, its true, but i was young and didnt know. I suppose he was young and didnt know either... and I think thats the same with a lot of these guys. But it still happened, and the effects of what htey did to me are still with me. Anyways, we got back to school, and I wasnt talking with him, and only weeks later, he starts dating this new girl, a year younger than him. She hung out with the trailer trash crowd and was loud and obnoxious and didnt seem to have much of a brain. They were pretty flamboyant about their relationship and there was lots of PDA in the halls. I saw it all the time, granted, it was a small school so it would have been hard to miss. I was upset that he stopped giving me attention I guess, and also, I just missed his friendship. I dont know, we had some good talks, I thought. I said to my friends that I thought she was dumb. I was just talking, i didnt know anything about her. Who wouldn't not like her if they were in my situation? Anyways, I had a couple friends who had big mouths and he got wind of it. He approached me one day and really hostile like said, stop spreading rumors about -- she hasnt done anything to you, stop being so mean to her for no reason, its just horrible of you, and i was like, im just saying what i think to my friends, why do you care so much? and hes like cause its not true bla bla. And it was in the middle of the main hall place and everyone could hear us and it was horrible. Also at this time i have snippets of this party we went to and i got really drunk and somehow i ended up in the same bed as him, cause his gf wasn't there, and i guess i tried to kiss him or something, but he kept pushing me away. I woke up in the morning and he was sitting there and he said, look i just am in no way physically attracted to you anymore, like in NO WAY at all, he was very adamant about it. I was like, thats great thanks. At another time, he took me outside by the bleachers and said, look, i am just done with you and I and I am in no way attracted to you anymore and I love -- more than anything in this world, and its just completely over between us, and you really need to move on from me, i know itll be hard but... all this patronizing bullshit. Maybe I could have if he stopped taking me aside and telling me stop... like he actually forgot about me, he was just making up excuses to talk to me because he still wanted me to like him, he still cared what i thought. So the crowning moment of this whole story is one time during our school play, which we rehearse for in another building, a friend (#3) comes over and tell me that he #2 wants to talk to me. I come out to the lobby and hes waiting there with two of his friends backing him up and they just start deriding me, all at once, like why are you so mean to ---? what did she ever do to you? shes a great person she doesnt deserve this. and i just, i cant even talk i just say im not, i dont know it was so overwhelming. then he took me by the arm out the door and said look, i just want you to get over this, i want you to move past this bla bla bla, like he was playing good cop bad cop with me, by himself. It was so horrible and i was shaking like a leaf when finally he left. I went outside and stood on the stoop, and that then #3 comes along.

#3: So this guy, probably to most attractive of them all, had been the boyfriend of my best friend for about a couple of months. we didnt really talk much, but we knew the other existed. So after I was verbally beat up by dickhead and his crew, #3 came out and said, that looked rough, and said sometimes cigarettes take the edge off things wanna walk and have one? So we did, and it was my first cig, and i remember it feeling amazing, and all my worries melted away walking around the back streets with him. We started hanging out more after that, my best friend/his girlfriend had a big part in the play and so we could hang out with out being seen by her. At one point, he broke up with her. I think it was because he wanted to be with me, although he never said it. My friend was so incredibly strange about that first break-up (they broke up many times after that, and, just for the record after almost 7 years of dating they are still together.) She said to me, we decided to pretend that we are still together, so people dont know, or something, i think she had a big vendetta against this little girl in a grade below us who flirted with him endlessly. She thought is she knew then she would try to get with him, or something very misguided like that. Anyways, he and I would still hang out during play rehearsals, we walked around smoking cigs and once found this old bowling alley with a pool table in the back. He taught me how to play pool and once even showed me how to hold a pool stick by getting up close behind me and guiding me where to put my hands. Yea. So the play ended, and we took to driving around and smoking pot and doing weird things. Once we got really, i mean really high and went to the science museum, and walked around and it was so trippy. We even went out on the nature trails and smoked pot there too. It was the total desecration of my favorite place as a kid. I sometimes wish i never did that. Another time, we were high and I told him, "hey lets go to our family house in southern NH! its only an hour!" even though i forgot its actually two. I also told him to get on the wrong highway. So we were driving, and we realized that this was the way to his ex-gf/my friends house. So i joked around, haha we should visit her, and he was like, kind of seriously, yea, no. He said that his recently deceased grandfathers house was just up ahead and we should stop. I dint know why i thought that would be a good idea, talk about creepy. We got there and he still remembered where the key was and we walked in, and we rolled this gigantic tobacco cigarette on the coffee table and smoked it outside in the midst of bird baths and windchimes. It was freezing cold, so we went inside and sat on the couch and he said, here, get under my coat, so I did, and he did too, and next thing you know, we were making out. It was intense. Then we left and it wasnt awkward in the car, although it was deep down. I remember I was back much much later than my curfew, as i always was, my parents must have been so worried about me all the time, i never told them really what i was doing or where i was going. So, after that, after hooking up with my best friends ex-boyfriend, who she was still in love with, on his dead grandfather's couch, I would go over to his house and just spend the whole afternoon in his bed. Once she called, and he like got up quickly to answer it, and i tried to kiss him while he was talking to her, i thought it was sexy, but he wasnt into it, he actually wanted to talk to her. That should have been a sign. Later on, after about two months of this, I was sitting with my best friend at school (i still dont know if she knew any of this) and she said, so i was talking to #3 last night, well actually we have been talking most every night, but he told me that hes actually had feelings for me this whole entire time since we broke up and he wants to get back together! Isnt that great!? and i just could even put on a fake smile for her, i was so incredibly hurt. I just sat there. She kept talking she said, yea he says that theres this thing with this other girl, but he think itll fall through soon so that doesnt matter. It was so incredibly horrible. I remember leaving a bit later and going to find him and sputtering trying to say and how fucking furious i was with him, but i was just like, uh so i head that you still like --. and hes like, welllll yeaaaaa but i like you too! and i was just like whatever, and i was walking away he said, greatest line in douchebag history, "keep me in mind, you know there aren't a lot of other guys at this school!" Unbelievable. So they got back together and we stopped talking. Fun fact, this guy also dated my sister, was her first time, and then revealed to her in such a bizarrely similar way that he had been talking to --- the whole time and was getting back together with her. ANd somehow im still friends with that girl, and shes told me that he has a girlfriend now, but he talk to my friend almost every night and he talks about visiting her all the time and wanting to sleep with her. Old habits die hard i guess.

So, those have been the main guys in my life. Some other ones: I hooked up with this one guy on prom night, and we hooked up a couple of times after that, he was actually great, he was amaaazing in that way. But, i went away for vacation and when i came back he had a new girlfriend, and they had been dating for a while. Another guy was a year above me and one of the most attractive guys in our school. We hooked up at a party and I got an email a couple days later saying that the other night was so fun, but lets keep it between us. My friend said that that was a stock email he sends out to all the girls he hooks up with at parties. Another guy (call him #6) we went on a trip to europe together with some of our high school, and we hung out a lot and just talked and got along well i thought. he was really interesting, he introduced me to the dharma bums and the beatniks which i loved for a while, and still do love. he was another big pot smoker, and we would do similar things, drive around and smoke. this one night, we went to the school and parked in the parking lot and smoked through and apple pipe and got really high and then somehow we ended up in the back seat and we started making out, and he was similarly great at it, he was sucking at my neck hardcore which i love but then i said, stop i dont want you to give me a hickey and he turned on the light and said, wow. my entire neck was one huge black and blue. I was kind of in shock and we drove home right away. He said as we left, admit it, im a beast.  it was strange, he liked that he left a mark on me, he liked it a lot. Nothing much happened after that for some reason.

And that, my patient friends, is the story, and I think explains why i have no confidence in myself, am kind of scared of guys, scared of putting myself out there, because nothing good ever seemed to come from it. For the record, #1,2,3 and 6 were are pot smoking buddies, like good friends. No wonder I dont smoke pot anymore, I associate it with dicks. As of right now, i havnt had any romantic encounter of any sort, for three years. im just, I'm really scared, and I dont know how really to turn myself, my story, around. Guys, you can really effect a girl, so dont be to mean to them, just have a little mercy. You guys can fuck us up big time.