Family

I like to think sometimes of how my young life and my parents impacted who I am today; nature vs. nurture is very interesting to me. Whenever I screamed for my mother, she always came running, I seemed to be very needy of her. And she didnt discourage that. I feel like if she did, i would have learned how to get on by myself, I wouldn't have been so dependent on others for my happiness. But what else could a mother do, ignore me? I feel i'd do the same thing. Another thing is the arguing, which mom always did with me, she just was very ...I dont even know why im writing this. she was a great mother and did all she could and she has always wanted the best for me. we all do the best we can, dont we? i cant hold them accountable for my currently messed up life. this is all my doing. and even if its not, whos gonna help me fix it? NO ONE except myself so its no use whining. Its pathetic really. How much i love feeling sad. How used to it i am. there so much out there. i knw when im older i will look back on these years with so much regret, boatloads of it, because i didnt live life to the fullest, when i had the vim, vigor and beauty. i hope i can tell myself when im older that i was doing all i could. life's hard i hope i can give myself a break. But i think i need to be firm on myself now. i need to get out of this rut, i think its unhealthy. i dont have many close friends which i need, i dont exercise which i also need, both these things contribute to health and happiness and im just not doing it cause im lazy and im worried what people will think of you. what people will think of me? They will judge me no matter what i do, so i might as well do something i want. i cant let others decide my life, who are they ,what do they know? i know im smart and that i can get by in this world w/o the help of others. i cant let them rule me.