Friend

So I hung out with my long time friend, from hs, today. And I just have some things to say. I showed her that video, the one that im weirdly obsessed with, and she was confused by it. Like i have mixed feelings about it, it makes me cry but i dont really agree with the fact that it was made by a couple of white british guys and it really exploits reservation life. but i got the story, and she didn't. like, she didnt think it was an actuate representation of reservation life, it only focuses on one problem, sure i agree. I dont know, its hard for me to show things to people that i have a large emotional investment in, period, whether they feel the same way or not. plus, talking with her about native american history is strange, its awkward and well i feel like we cant debate and talk intelligently, i dont want to say the wrong thing, and i dont think she thinks i know anything. i know a lot, i do! i think she was surprised when i mentioned russell means. ha. I often get the feeling that people dont take me and what i say seriously. We always talk about PEOPLE and drama, not real things. I'm sick of talking about people. She also was talking about drama with her friends and its so fucking petty! a guy starting dating a girl and he didnt tell his ex of a couple years the second it happened...? that's wrong now? I guess to ME, who isnt involved in that kind of thing anymore, it seems petty. I want to talk about important things, but theres something not there... is it me? Do i need to be a cocky asshole for people to take me seriously? Going back a bit, I feel like she patronizes me. like she doesnt respect me, she tunes out when i talk i can tell. i dont know thats a bit harsh, but thats what i feel. i know at least part of this has to do with the fact that i dont have that that much confidence in myself. im sick of not being taken seriously. what can i do? Can i also talk about the fact that i dont want to go back to counseling? i just feel tied in and i hate that. i want her to be like, ok, do this this and this, and you'll be good. but i think, for change to happen, it takes long term work. am i really that upset about being scared of pottery machines...and knives...and machines of all kinds.... crap. maybe i really do need this. all of this is so overwhelming dammit.

Family

I like to think sometimes of how my young life and my parents impacted who I am today; nature vs. nurture is very interesting to me. Whenever I screamed for my mother, she always came running, I seemed to be very needy of her. And she didnt discourage that. I feel like if she did, i would have learned how to get on by myself, I wouldn't have been so dependent on others for my happiness. But what else could a mother do, ignore me? I feel i'd do the same thing. Another thing is the arguing, which mom always did with me, she just was very ...I dont even know why im writing this. she was a great mother and did all she could and she has always wanted the best for me. we all do the best we can, dont we? i cant hold them accountable for my currently messed up life. this is all my doing. and even if its not, whos gonna help me fix it? NO ONE except myself so its no use whining. Its pathetic really. How much i love feeling sad. How used to it i am. there so much out there. i knw when im older i will look back on these years with so much regret, boatloads of it, because i didnt live life to the fullest, when i had the vim, vigor and beauty. i hope i can tell myself when im older that i was doing all i could. life's hard i hope i can give myself a break. But i think i need to be firm on myself now. i need to get out of this rut, i think its unhealthy. i dont have many close friends which i need, i dont exercise which i also need, both these things contribute to health and happiness and im just not doing it cause im lazy and im worried what people will think of you. what people will think of me? They will judge me no matter what i do, so i might as well do something i want. i cant let others decide my life, who are they ,what do they know? i know im smart and that i can get by in this world w/o the help of others. i cant let them rule me.

Story Time

I used to have story time with this kid who was a couple grades younger than me in high school, we had this bagel business together and would ride around and I told him all my most scandalous stories. In that spirit, although a little more serious, I'd like to talk about a realization I had in the shower today about my past boyfriends, or rather, my past friends with bennies. I was thinking about PW and how i though that i tended to go for 90's jock types, but then i was like, no, all the guys ive been with have been pothead deadbeat losers. Cases in point:

#1: came from a dysfunctional family, was a pothead, and i mean to the extreme: he had anger issues and smoked pot to calm down and be a normal person and not want to scream and punch things every second. He was a dick when he wasn't high, I can attest to that. I think he was always a little self involved, he never made much of an effort to get to know me, never seemed to care about me. Anyways pot was what our relationship revolved around, basically; we would smoke and drink and then do stuff. At one point, which I just remembered today, like it dawned on me suddenly this is what he meant: he said once, "Yea I don't mind that you smoke my weed, because I know that you'll pay for it in other ways." As in, he expected sex in exchange for weed! Like, he thought that little of me, he wasn't giving me weed out of the kindness of his heart, he actually wanted payment. Weed meant more to him that I did, and I think thats the moral of this story here. Also when I broke up with him, a friend (#2) said that later that day in lacrosse practice he was joking about it, carefree, saying stuff like, bitch you cant break up with ME, and like raising his hand and stuff. Kind of scary in retrospect. God all these things keep coming back to me about this guy: when we first started dating, we kissed or something, and after that I kept thinking he would officially ask me out, but we talked on the phone a little later, and he said, uh, so, we're dating right? it was so unceremonious. I just giggled as i always did and said of course! I didn't know anything.

#2: Kind of a long story with this one. He gave me a lot of attention in the beginning of high school, he told me once he saw me, my friend, and another girl standing together at freshman orientation and said to his buddy, those are the three hottest girls in our class right there, so I'm sure thats why I got his attention. He did everything right, he took me out to his favorite spots on the tops of hills and we watched the stars come out. We started hooking up actually after I broke up with #1, he made himself available to console me, and always was saying bad stuff about #1 and trying to get me to move on to him. Looking back, I see thats what he was all about - he wanted me to go out with him, he wanted me to be his totally. Anyways I dont know why I hooked up with him, I always felt gross and horrible after doing it, he wasnt that attractive. But he played some serious mind games with me and I always felt like I had to, in payment for all these nice things he did for me. At the end of one summer, he called me up and asked if I would go out with him. I remember being silent, and then just saying, I dont feel that way about you, but i still want to be friends... and he just got all pissed and did that guilt trip thing and sighed and sounded really disappointed in me and hung up. I've debated a lot in this situation if i was at all to blame; I think i liked his attention, and although i didnt like him as a guy, i wanted to keep him around so he would keep flattering me. Thats not very honorable, its true, but i was young and didnt know. I suppose he was young and didnt know either... and I think thats the same with a lot of these guys. But it still happened, and the effects of what htey did to me are still with me. Anyways, we got back to school, and I wasnt talking with him, and only weeks later, he starts dating this new girl, a year younger than him. She hung out with the trailer trash crowd and was loud and obnoxious and didnt seem to have much of a brain. They were pretty flamboyant about their relationship and there was lots of PDA in the halls. I saw it all the time, granted, it was a small school so it would have been hard to miss. I was upset that he stopped giving me attention I guess, and also, I just missed his friendship. I dont know, we had some good talks, I thought. I said to my friends that I thought she was dumb. I was just talking, i didnt know anything about her. Who wouldn't not like her if they were in my situation? Anyways, I had a couple friends who had big mouths and he got wind of it. He approached me one day and really hostile like said, stop spreading rumors about -- she hasnt done anything to you, stop being so mean to her for no reason, its just horrible of you, and i was like, im just saying what i think to my friends, why do you care so much? and hes like cause its not true bla bla. And it was in the middle of the main hall place and everyone could hear us and it was horrible. Also at this time i have snippets of this party we went to and i got really drunk and somehow i ended up in the same bed as him, cause his gf wasn't there, and i guess i tried to kiss him or something, but he kept pushing me away. I woke up in the morning and he was sitting there and he said, look i just am in no way physically attracted to you anymore, like in NO WAY at all, he was very adamant about it. I was like, thats great thanks. At another time, he took me outside by the bleachers and said, look, i am just done with you and I and I am in no way attracted to you anymore and I love -- more than anything in this world, and its just completely over between us, and you really need to move on from me, i know itll be hard but... all this patronizing bullshit. Maybe I could have if he stopped taking me aside and telling me stop... like he actually forgot about me, he was just making up excuses to talk to me because he still wanted me to like him, he still cared what i thought. So the crowning moment of this whole story is one time during our school play, which we rehearse for in another building, a friend (#3) comes over and tell me that he #2 wants to talk to me. I come out to the lobby and hes waiting there with two of his friends backing him up and they just start deriding me, all at once, like why are you so mean to ---? what did she ever do to you? shes a great person she doesnt deserve this. and i just, i cant even talk i just say im not, i dont know it was so overwhelming. then he took me by the arm out the door and said look, i just want you to get over this, i want you to move past this bla bla bla, like he was playing good cop bad cop with me, by himself. It was so horrible and i was shaking like a leaf when finally he left. I went outside and stood on the stoop, and that then #3 comes along.

#3: So this guy, probably to most attractive of them all, had been the boyfriend of my best friend for about a couple of months. we didnt really talk much, but we knew the other existed. So after I was verbally beat up by dickhead and his crew, #3 came out and said, that looked rough, and said sometimes cigarettes take the edge off things wanna walk and have one? So we did, and it was my first cig, and i remember it feeling amazing, and all my worries melted away walking around the back streets with him. We started hanging out more after that, my best friend/his girlfriend had a big part in the play and so we could hang out with out being seen by her. At one point, he broke up with her. I think it was because he wanted to be with me, although he never said it. My friend was so incredibly strange about that first break-up (they broke up many times after that, and, just for the record after almost 7 years of dating they are still together.) She said to me, we decided to pretend that we are still together, so people dont know, or something, i think she had a big vendetta against this little girl in a grade below us who flirted with him endlessly. She thought is she knew then she would try to get with him, or something very misguided like that. Anyways, he and I would still hang out during play rehearsals, we walked around smoking cigs and once found this old bowling alley with a pool table in the back. He taught me how to play pool and once even showed me how to hold a pool stick by getting up close behind me and guiding me where to put my hands. Yea. So the play ended, and we took to driving around and smoking pot and doing weird things. Once we got really, i mean really high and went to the science museum, and walked around and it was so trippy. We even went out on the nature trails and smoked pot there too. It was the total desecration of my favorite place as a kid. I sometimes wish i never did that. Another time, we were high and I told him, "hey lets go to our family house in southern NH! its only an hour!" even though i forgot its actually two. I also told him to get on the wrong highway. So we were driving, and we realized that this was the way to his ex-gf/my friends house. So i joked around, haha we should visit her, and he was like, kind of seriously, yea, no. He said that his recently deceased grandfathers house was just up ahead and we should stop. I dint know why i thought that would be a good idea, talk about creepy. We got there and he still remembered where the key was and we walked in, and we rolled this gigantic tobacco cigarette on the coffee table and smoked it outside in the midst of bird baths and windchimes. It was freezing cold, so we went inside and sat on the couch and he said, here, get under my coat, so I did, and he did too, and next thing you know, we were making out. It was intense. Then we left and it wasnt awkward in the car, although it was deep down. I remember I was back much much later than my curfew, as i always was, my parents must have been so worried about me all the time, i never told them really what i was doing or where i was going. So, after that, after hooking up with my best friends ex-boyfriend, who she was still in love with, on his dead grandfather's couch, I would go over to his house and just spend the whole afternoon in his bed. Once she called, and he like got up quickly to answer it, and i tried to kiss him while he was talking to her, i thought it was sexy, but he wasnt into it, he actually wanted to talk to her. That should have been a sign. Later on, after about two months of this, I was sitting with my best friend at school (i still dont know if she knew any of this) and she said, so i was talking to #3 last night, well actually we have been talking most every night, but he told me that hes actually had feelings for me this whole entire time since we broke up and he wants to get back together! Isnt that great!? and i just could even put on a fake smile for her, i was so incredibly hurt. I just sat there. She kept talking she said, yea he says that theres this thing with this other girl, but he think itll fall through soon so that doesnt matter. It was so incredibly horrible. I remember leaving a bit later and going to find him and sputtering trying to say and how fucking furious i was with him, but i was just like, uh so i head that you still like --. and hes like, welllll yeaaaaa but i like you too! and i was just like whatever, and i was walking away he said, greatest line in douchebag history, "keep me in mind, you know there aren't a lot of other guys at this school!" Unbelievable. So they got back together and we stopped talking. Fun fact, this guy also dated my sister, was her first time, and then revealed to her in such a bizarrely similar way that he had been talking to --- the whole time and was getting back together with her. ANd somehow im still friends with that girl, and shes told me that he has a girlfriend now, but he talk to my friend almost every night and he talks about visiting her all the time and wanting to sleep with her. Old habits die hard i guess.

So, those have been the main guys in my life. Some other ones: I hooked up with this one guy on prom night, and we hooked up a couple of times after that, he was actually great, he was amaaazing in that way. But, i went away for vacation and when i came back he had a new girlfriend, and they had been dating for a while. Another guy was a year above me and one of the most attractive guys in our school. We hooked up at a party and I got an email a couple days later saying that the other night was so fun, but lets keep it between us. My friend said that that was a stock email he sends out to all the girls he hooks up with at parties. Another guy (call him #6) we went on a trip to europe together with some of our high school, and we hung out a lot and just talked and got along well i thought. he was really interesting, he introduced me to the dharma bums and the beatniks which i loved for a while, and still do love. he was another big pot smoker, and we would do similar things, drive around and smoke. this one night, we went to the school and parked in the parking lot and smoked through and apple pipe and got really high and then somehow we ended up in the back seat and we started making out, and he was similarly great at it, he was sucking at my neck hardcore which i love but then i said, stop i dont want you to give me a hickey and he turned on the light and said, wow. my entire neck was one huge black and blue. I was kind of in shock and we drove home right away. He said as we left, admit it, im a beast.  it was strange, he liked that he left a mark on me, he liked it a lot. Nothing much happened after that for some reason.

And that, my patient friends, is the story, and I think explains why i have no confidence in myself, am kind of scared of guys, scared of putting myself out there, because nothing good ever seemed to come from it. For the record, #1,2,3 and 6 were are pot smoking buddies, like good friends. No wonder I dont smoke pot anymore, I associate it with dicks. As of right now, i havnt had any romantic encounter of any sort, for three years. im just, I'm really scared, and I dont know how really to turn myself, my story, around. Guys, you can really effect a girl, so dont be to mean to them, just have a little mercy. You guys can fuck us up big time.

Even More

 I watched the supposed "last interview" or last sighting or whatever, and even tho the pap was a dick, as they all seem to be, he was polite and gave him and handshake as he went off. He was also all alone which made him seem humble. I mean god he was just a real guy for gods sake, why do i do this to celebs? Its horrible that hes dead, not because he was a celeb, but because he was a normal guy in a horrible car crash. Maybe at the airport he was texting his strangely young gf (who is older than me ahem) or his daughter, i mean, normal stuff. He seemed to have been a guy that was around people all the time, liked the outdoors and doing new things, crazy things, all about new experiences, the adrenaline, about LIFE and living it and seeing all he could see and feeling all he could feel. After I watched that I turned back to my latin homework, and sat there for a minute looking at my struggles over how to conjugate "have been" vs "had been"... my life is so tedious and unmeaningful and full of unnecessary things. I don't live, I don't interact with people, I dont try new things, I don't like new feelings, I dont travel, I dont do everything i can to enjoy life. Life is something i kind of slog through right now. Its hard and not fun. But I think its in me. I love the outdoors, and I love adrenaline rushes. Maybe I have it in me somewhere. There this quote, that you cant love until you have been loved. You cant ever love anything if you live in isolation. It made me so sad and hopeless because thats exactly what i do, and if thats true i dont know how im ever going to be able to find someone and live a normal life ... "meeting people" and "putting myself" out there are so strangely impossible for me. I think its because i dont have any confidence.. but i dont have confidence becasue i dont go out with people... so its a horrible vicious cycle. I need an injection of confidence that lasts years, and then maybe i can turn my sad life around. I was thinking, again, of a br. Its been off the table for a while, but it might be the only way out. maybe its my body that is holding me back, ive always been ashamed of it. If i had a hot bod, maybe, or rather, i know, that confidence would come and id probably get cocky. And THEN, with that confidence in my back pocket, i could ask people out and talk with them without being crushed and ruined if im rejected. What is it abou confidence, what a random thing that rules my entire life. Does it rule everyone? the world ? does you sucsess and happiness depend on your confidence level? THe only thing I want in this world is to find happiness, at least something close to what PW seemed to have found. THanks for being my inspiration for life, even though you might have at sometimes, been a douche.

More Meditations on Paul

Looking at interviews.... he seems like a jock-y, 1990s, blond-hair blue eyes, bully-like, but not really cause all guys are like that, normal guy... i cant figure out his 23 yo girlfriend though. trying to relive his youth? She seems like a quintessential cali girl, but not very attractive in normal standards. A cali boy all the way it would seem. probs never a chance for me, seeing as im an east coast girl through and through. As if thats the only reason why. Its just so strange, all this. I wish I would get over it. I wonder if there will be other guys out there like him, ever, that i might meet. I think I need to work on myself a bit more before I start setting my sights on attractive, together, successful, interesting, older hollywood guys. First step, move to cali?

Sad Things.

Can't really believe that PW is dead... he was the one and only thing on my bucket list. I think part of the reason I wanted to go to Cali was him. So bizarre. I might stay up all night watching his movies, i've already watched all these interviews. Anyways. How can i be sad? I didnt know him. Some loser on twitter said, rip hottest guy ever pw. that is just reducing his entire amazing life to some superficial thing that wasnt even his doing. Fucking people. Anyways. I find it strange that we are born, and because of luck, coincidence, miracles, happenstance, whatever, some of us have physical features that all human agree are "attractive." ANd then some of us, probably all of us, are not perfect, are less perfect and have flaws. But what of these "perfect" specimens? they should be studied. Why are they perfect is it like a genetic primal desire that draws us to them? Maybe they are excellent examples of the human species and we all want to mate with them. But since when is being pretty helping further the human race? I feel like we made that one up. Being perfect and beautiful gets you so much in this world, blatantly more and with blatantly less effort than those of us who are less so. Im think of PW, naturally good looking, naturally perfect body, natural perfect personality, easygoing - and he just bam, become an actor, I doubt without much trying, and bam, makes all this money and only by doing things he loves, outdoor, adrenaline-filled, adventures. And he then takes all that money and uses it to help people, making the world a better place. He just, everything is just there for his taking. And I myself, who is not that attractive, I want to do big things like PW but im not that go-get-em, im not forward and I dont think i have what it takes to change the world as a average plain person. The whole thing is incredibly unfair and it makes me mad and i wish we didnt care about looks! But its interesting to think about.

No Surprise in this Title: Guys

I've just had a woodchuck and I'm an actual psychological mess. I'm just crying over things and seeing pictures of guys that I want so so badly but of course I can never have because theyre celebrities, like Peter Sarsgard, Russel Crowe, Christian Bale, Alexander Skarsgard, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Walker, a young Harrison Ford, John Rhys Mayer like insanely crazily... I dont know whyyyyy. why are there attractive guys in this world that i cant have? who decides who gets them? how do you meet them? how do you meet guys? People say its hard to meet people outside college and if im having a hard time now i dont know what ill do.
I had a big paper due today and i wrote the entire thing today too. Well, I didn't even finish it.  I had so much time beforehand to do it, I just , I think I like that feeling of almost not making it, its the only way i can make my life exciting. how pathetically sad. im going to bed.

Cupidity

Wanting to be beautiful, why can't I be effortlessly beautiful... the pretty girls always have friends, guys around, always, life is effortless. Getting good things is effortless. that girl is class, she is so incredibly gorgeous, people just notice her, revolve around her, her every move, word, its like gold... im kind of, over looked. im pretty sure matts asked 3 or 4 times what grade i'm in. i'm forgettable, ive accepted it. i was thinking about how matt thought i liked j... what exactly do i do to make him think that, like im curious. sure i flirt with him, but im flirting BACk, j always initiates it. so when a guy flirts childishly its normal but when a girl flirts its fucking scandalous?? what i am supposed to do, be a hard bitch like brie  and break his balls? How can you gracefully not flirt back with a guy yet still keep them interested? aka, how to you interest with guys without flirting with them? Thats the real fucking here, me and my fucking lack of social skills here, ridiculous. Ladies and Gentlemen Ive discovered why im hopeless with life, i cant talk with males without flirting. why is that bad...i just want guys, all over me, i want guysssssssss this is so hopeless....im skipping latin tomorrow to lay in bed with all these imaginary guys. have a great day world people.

No Title Seems Appropriate At This Time

Not for any bad reason, it just.....eh. i'm pretty much over matt at this point, could you tell? This poor blog isn't choked with inane rambling fantasies of mine anymore. It's a shame, my life had some sort of purpose when I liked him. My purpose now is just kind of... latin haha. I was thinking how I would if I had the patience write an erotic fantasy in latin haaaaaa so sexyyyyy. I was thinking about ben the other day. i guess i am connected to him in some way... i never think about him or that but it's there. i hope we run into each other down the road and im pretty and skinny and have a baby girl on my hip and he thinks, man, she was mine once. I had her. Part of that image though is his, incredibly handsome as usual, a beach bum with an equally incredibly pretty girlfriend, 100 time prettier than me, bleach blond, you know. Killll meee. I had a dream the other night where i went into the library, apparently for the first time, I was walking around and I saw a print out of a picture of will when he was young with the words under it, i love you. It was like in the back of the library in this obscure part, up on a beam in the ceiling, also above a doorway. I thought huh, small world/aka wills gotten around more than i thought. I went in that room, and it was like a strange study area/stacks with weird walkways, with the feel of the clark's library. I walked around and found some old cassettes, and that was it. I was writing that thing about will at cape cod the other day, so maybe that it. I have so much to say, I want to say it all out loud to someone, but i like have this weird mask over my face right now that makes it like cement and I can't move it even though I have so much inside, my feelings and my face are not connected. Jack Josnson makes me sleepy. night.

Things

I try to stay downstairs with everyone but no one talks to me and i dont talk to them; and also when i try to stay downstairs no one comes down or leaves immediately. Why dear merciful lord i am so hopeless with other human beings. im considering getting a house off campus next semester. maybe i can get a cat. I want to live totally alone, it will be horrible for my mental state but i dont care, fuck accepted mental states.
So i've been thinking about jesus. ive learned so much about christianity through my medieval art classes, and it so interesting to think about jesus as a guy, who actually lived at one point, he must have bee so fucking possessed by this idea that he was doing the right thing here, and that god was a real unit... i mean almsot to the point in crazy person. but what good things he believed in, helping the poor, sacrifice, doing good, etc etc. its just unfathomable how so much of our world was formed because of this one guy. I say he's the ultimate celebrity. Find something the world needs and give it to them and they will love you forever. What an incredibly smart and profitable institution christianity is. I used to think that some guy just thought it up once as a way to make money and be powerful, but i think at one point, there was a guy who did the things jesus did and had a following and was crucified. He must have had a pretty eventful but not inordinacy life, but look at home divine and blown out of proportion its become. its unfathomable. I wonder what he would say today if he could see how famous he is. I read about a lady who claims to be related to jesus and mary magdalene, like the da vinci code.  of course shes a nut job, but could jesus have had kids? He was just a guy after all. but look at the lengths to which he followed gods gospel religiously, why would he stray for sex? I feel that he feels he was above that. There had to be some ego in him, didn't there? I'm the son of god? come on buddy. It's powerful though, the church, the immense passion people feel for this man, for god. It's passionate, the whole thing, and that inspires me. I want to feel it too, i want to talk to jesus i want to have that connection. Maybe i just want to feel as passionate about something as these people do about god. I want to feel, period.

Another Day Gone By

What is my life like these days? Mary Oliver, 'gorilla', dreams about guys wanting me, me being the object of their cupidity... rough sex, s&m... wanting to feel that elated, full, uninhibited, connection of sex...walking home and taking a deep breath and loving nature and my place in the world and feeling so connected to the universe for that one instant. Thinking about hannah, and what she thinks of me, how she is doing with her boyfriend troubles. I think about how i must seem to matt, to whitney, my housemates... they are scared of me i think, or at least the boyfriends are, they don't know what to think of me, what to do with me, everyone always gets quiet when i come downstairs. I hate being judged. I think about my mom and dad, i sometimes cry when i think of dad because i love him so much and we are such the same person and that make me sad for him, and sad for  myself but also so unbelievably joyous that there is someone in this world who loves me for who i am. i think of what itll be like when hes gone. Whenever i go into work i think constantly of how i look, and when i go into the bathroom afterwards to change i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think god i look like a homeless person, what are you a scarecrow and other such things to put myself down. Why doesnt matt smile at me? what am i doing wrong there, why is everything not fun and perfect there, there my one outlet, the one place where it should be normal and fun? going to work stresses me out a lot as you can see. I think about terry and when he looks at me and what looks/glances mean to different people... ive always thought looks and eyes in general were very sexual, like prolonged eye contact meant someones interested in you... what does it mean to terry, i doubt that stuff. i often think about my facial expressions and what they seem like because i can never figure out exactly what i look like to other people, i feel like my expression are off sometimes, arent right. i think about what to do at the end of this fall, where should i live, i want to get my own house. how am i going to survive in the real world without friends, living on my own? Will i die? I also think about exercise, my constant foe... i am not a very motivated person, especially when there is no direct, immediate gratification... sad i know. i think about fairy tales, girls and animals as friends, frieda khalo, quiet interiors, me as an artist, what i will do with my art as i grow up, can i make money off it... i think a lot about money too, all the things i want to buy, but then i automatically chastize myself, i shouldnt buy frivolous things. i was never tought a way to deal with money, how to view it, is it good or bad? so i dont know what to do with my adult self now who will start to have financial responsibilities soon. i think of my home often, i dont really picture myself being happy anywhere else. ive never been happy anywhere else. i have a hard time branching out. i like things to be the same. i visit everyday these celebrity gossip sites, ones that are biting and sarcastic and mysoginistic with pics of half naked women everywhere. i look at these meme sites with funny pics, i feel like its mostly looked at by young guys. it make me feel connected to the world i guess, although like the magazines i read as a kid i doubt its doing any good to my self confidence. confidence. the mysterious thing that had eluded me for so long... what the fuck is it, i mean i could pay someone. is there an elixir i can take? I often think of my purpose, why im here, if im wasting my life away, whats the RIGHT way to live, surely im doing it wrong... i have a hard time feeling anything good about myself, i am pre-wired for rejection and failing... in mary olivers poems she gets a lot of stregnth from nature and i think i do to. i feel more whole and connected and at peace when im surrounded by nature, especially by the sea. i think that might be what i have to do to find my place in this world, or a least a starting point.

In My Head Too Much

I think too much. I've been coming across all these media references to how fear is the only thing holding a person back, its not society, it's them. You can do anything you want if you set your mind to it. You can be HAPPY, FREE, CONTENT in your own skin if you want. The fact that we live in a culture where you are not proud of yourself, but are instead ashamed to be walking around is sick, sick and horrible. This "fear," in me, how does it take form? I don't speak my mind. I don't think my thoughts are worthy, I always second guess myself. I think in the fundamental core of my being that I AM UNWORTHY, I AM LESS THAN. Where did that come form and why? I feel like media, but it had to have started earlier... also, what is up with me and sex. I cringe whenever sex is talked about, it actually grosses me out. Ew. I did grow up in a traditional family, where my parents didn't really ever talk about bodies and sex, I grew up with thinking that sex and my body is bad, it shouldn't be talked about. Now I know how Victorian women felt like. Victorian? wtf mom and dad. Fuck them. Whatever they did, I have to play with the cards that were dealt to me - so sex makes me queasy - maybe if i just DO IT more, or, at all, it would be less of a scary unknown. H was saying this weekend that I dont give off the 'available' vibe, that im a 'strong woman.' She said it just takes time, when you're ready you'll give off the available vibe. I've always been a little slow on the phychlogical aspect of growing up... things take me longer... maybe, when some wizard waves his magical wand and makes me give myself enough respect and exercise and eat right and brush my hair and wear flattering clothes THEN Ill give off the vibe, and maybe i will finally begin to start living an actual real life. Cause what the fuck is this? I feel like Im waiting. Im scared to because I know, i know for a fact that if a guy came into my life right now I would abandon everything, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g because I dotn give any worth to the things that I currently do I would automatically think that random motherfucker will have a better life plan not only for himself but for me too and I would drop everything. I'm pretty sure I would. I can mold so well, I can adapt, reshape, reform into whatever enviroment im in or person im with, im a shapeshifter whose sole purpose in life is to support others and fit into their little versions of their little lives, I become a actor in their life, one who knows his lines well and is perfect. I go from life to life, acting here, saying the right thing there, flashing a smile to make them feel good... What about my life story. its passing by and all these selfish motherfuckers dont want to act in my movie because theyre so focused on theirs. I cant even act in my own movie, its un-fucking-cast!! How did it get funding from the big guy above huh. How does one get self-worth, find their voice, become confident in their real selves, get to know their real selves? Why do I always slot myself for failure ahead of time, and then feel comfortable with that failure when it inevitably happens because ive sabotaged it once again? Sabotaged it subconcously, but sabotaged it nonetheless. Misery is a comfortable state for me, happiness is foreign. Why would I want to travel now? Comfort is one of the only things I have in my life, if I couldnt look forward to coming home and taking a long shower and putting my hair in curlers and getting under my covers with a cup of tea and closing my door and watching tv shows until I get tired?? THATS ALL I FUCKING HAVE.

Babies

I'm just thinking about them. BABIES, HUSBAND, HOUSE, JOB, LIFE are all term that seem so incredibly far out of my reach, although I am in prime childbearing age and it's so strange that humans have made their culture so that it's normal for women to wait til late in the childbearing window to have kids. What if I want to have kids now? My kids would be the healthiest - the later I wait, the more unhealthy that have a chance of being. Mum had rob when she was 38... I guess thats pretty late... thats approximately 16 from my current age. That's a long time, looks at how incredibly far you've come as a human being in just 8 years, from the start of high school. Or even for years. A lot can happen. I just have this vision of how I want life to be, or how I realistically see it playing out: meet a guy in college (in the next 8 months? ha) become really close, both have jobs, do the living together thing, get a dog, become a super cute perfect couple, get married on the best day of my life, have kids soon after, a little girl and she's perfect, just like I was to mom and dad, and it would be in the fall because she would love fall, just like me. And I would have one other kid, and we would all be so happy together. I just want that, I want that comfort and security. Life is tough and I don't want to go it alone, which is what I have been doing in sort of a life test run, and it totally sucks. If I don't have someone in my life in the real world, I'll die. I can't be alone. I understand why girls have kids young, just so they will have someone in their life who loves them...

Developments in my Life; or, Shit that Today Got Shitter

Finally talked to m about my hand and the studio - i was in the studio f-ing around while he was teaching his class, for maybe 2 hours, and the whole time I was planning out a big long script detailing my plight after my accident and the monumental hurdles I have had to overcome, and horrors I have had to live through. It was long, I'm telling you. But when I got into his office HE did all the talking! I was like give me a minute bud we're talking about me here. He did say, though, something very nice about me, we were talking about my possibly leaving and he said, it's not that i dont want you around because it's been a joy having you here and its been great having you around.. something something. Not much, but its a little nugget of triumph! I surprisingly didn't and don't feel that moved by it, just because I'm stopping working there. And he's just, we just... I can't. I don't want to, I can't, I have no more energy to put into it. Physically cannot. All these frustrations, these sexual frustrations, frustrations about friends, people in general, my family, my sister, my future, my interests, my body, my health - they're all so up front in my mind right now, ALL of them and I feel like I need to solve all of them right now, because well, I do and I can I be an adult with all these problems? It's so exhausting. I just need a little something to give me confidence, a source of confidence that's there all the time, that I don't fall back on, but that propels me forward, into new things, into life. I'm so stationary right now, so dead, so dull and stale. The only thing that comes to mind is a boyfriend... everyone my age has one, all my housemates, they seem exponentially more grown up to me, and that's the reason why. I feel so less than a human. I hate this!!!! I hate myself!!!!!!!!

April

Just discovered S&G's april come she will, through parks and rec of all things haha. I'm all of a sudden obsessed with it and have it on repeat. It reminds me of nick drake, jose gonzalez, the shins, all of my uvm era music obsessions. When I hear their soft guitar and smooth voices I think of riding the yellow school bus out to lake champlain, standing by the shore, taking in the crystal blue water, icy clouds, and fiery maple trees covering the green mtns in the distance. It was pretty fucking idyllic. Vt, what a place, I don't quite know if i'll ever find another place like it.
I saw a counselor about my hand. She said keep going, keep working, but it's gonna take time. layer good memories on top of the bad. I don't think I like m anymore... its just, he doesn't care about me, and although that usually turns me on, he's, I just can't do it anymore. I can't spend all my time thinking about people who will never, ever love me back. It's exhausting. I think i've had it in my brain that i dont deserve more than an asshole, but I think deep inside, I know I do. I'm not a horrible person, I'm ok. Why doesn't anyone see that though? Probably because I never let anyone see me. What, am I THAT different when I first meet people? I'm not good at lying, people see the real me when they meet me. Getting rejected is just so comfortable for me, it's hard to accept anything other that being treated like shit. I can't do this...

Shell Girl

I went to work today, and although I usually love, it sucked today. Sucked horribly. It didn't help that today was like wandering about the interior of satans private quarters it was so hot, humid and sultry. I was doing all this lifting bags and scooping stuff and I just sweat and got all smelly and gross I'm sure, although my hair got curly and wispy around my face, which is cute right? Ug anyways, I am so frustrated about how I cant joke around with matt and julian. Im so up-tight seeming, at least I think I am, what the fuck am I like around them? I dont know! I dont have any friends to tell me! I think where I'm going with this is that today I really started realizing that I want to have good friends to joke around with and talk seriously with and to vent to and to just be myself with. I am that way, I need that, I can tell that about myself. But I missed some crucial moment where I was supposed to make friends that would last my whole college career and I would be all set, no biggie. Is it that I went to vt with high school buddies and hen transferred? I think theres something else tho - I think what I've done that hasn't allowed me to make friends is that Ive slowly stripped away all forms of identification, anything and everything that someone could judge me from. Like bracelets. What happened to my bracelets? I used have thousands on my arm. I used to love wearing bob marley t-shirts and ripped jeans. What happened to my messy blond hair, my love of being badass and hanging out with guys and partying. Now, I wear skinny jeans, a plain shirt and a cardigan and sometimes pearl earrings or maybe my fake diamond ones. I have a leather purse. A PURSE? I used to think hell would freeze over before I ever got a purse. Now I'm just... normal. Not only in physical appearance, but I can never seem to tell people how I actually feel, unless what I really feel is socially acceptable and what I think they want to hear, what makes them comfortable. Who cares what I actually feel? I push it so far down inside and only let it out in places like this, once in a while, to no one. I'm getting down to the very shell of what a human being can be, I'm seeing how far I can go. Is it because I don't know who I am and I'm trying to start from the beginning or do I actually not want people to judge me? That was be so incredibly sad. How could I do that to myself? SO here I am, a shell of a girl, unable to express how she really feels. Yet I have so much inside of me, a whole entire person who wants to live and have a wonderful life. Theres such a disconnect with what I do and who I am, what I feel and what I say. Connecting all these scattered parts of myself, becoming a coherent human being. Things would be easier then, wouldnt they. And hey, if it's that hooligan who like guys and bracelets, then, welcome back old friend. But backtracking a bit - I dont have any friends. And it get so incredibly frustrating to have all these things inside and no way to release them. It builds up, its been building up for like 2.5 years. wow. Am I gonna like snap oe day and so crazy in the streets and rip all my clothes off haha? I try to text people, and ask them to hang out, and they never respond or text me back hours later and say omg im so sorry i was busy, or dismiss as silly or strange, don't even give a fucking second to get to know me. Fuck literally everyone of you idiots, you're all missing out. I'm fabulous.

Zone

Zoning out on oxy tonight... i needed a little break... it makes me tired and BLANK. Dont worry im not addicted im too ocd and too much of a worrier to keep doing it.  i remember asking all my doctors, well, is there just something i can take that will calm me down for a bit when i have those really anxious episodes and i feel like crap? they were like, uhhhmmm, no? Well I found it. Drugs baby. Why me. whywhwywhy why also are kanyes last two albums totally fucking rad. i love him. i want to live inside the songs also i would enjoy living inside the majority of cat empires songs... maybe having a love affir with felix, living in austrailia by the beach, being tan and fit, why cant these be realities? Why am i here, what the fuck am i doing here. I realized earlier, while being lectured by mom that i dont think im worth it. it, anything. i dont think i deserve much, i dont deserve to be happy. I remember just recently i thought about dreaming that i was a princess, like picturing myself as a princess... it was like such a new ting to me. i couldnt do it. i dont, picture myself happy, ever.

Courage

I just watched the hunchback of notre dame... what a story, a dark, horrible story. It just made me cry, it was so sad, i just have a connection with/feel for the outcast, I know what its like to feel like you are horrible and that you dont belong anywhere, i just feel it. its an uplifting story, that there can often be great courage under a grotesque exterior, dont judge a book by its cover, etc... but it just is so, so sad. she doesnt love the hunchback, she loves the dashing handsome you soldier! The nice guy always finishes last! Life sucks for people who are different, they will never have a normal life. Am i kidding myself, here, living like this? Is a normal life what i need, and im just being lazy and not doing anything about my antisocialness and making excuses for myself? Will i be making excuses for myself my whole life? Do people need a normal life to feel good about their life, while they're living it? Can people who choose different paths get by and be happy? Will I ever be happy?

High School

 I guess everyone has a time like this, when they haven't thought of high school in ages and one day they stumble across an old photo and their entire brain is reverted to high school mode.... It happened to me tonight. On fb of course... i just, god i was so shy and quiet and why did i havne no confidence? Why was i so strange and why did i sleep with m and why wasn't i nicer to k and b for that matter? What a great group of people, actually its funny when i see c and a together, i get scared for my life, like i feel like they would rape me or harm me, idk, they are just scary people, especially together. So i go on this trip, and then im like, have i changed? and i think god why havnt i reached out to any of these people, what have i been doing with myself? the biggest thing in my life a second ago was worrying about if netflix instant has season 4 of cake boss! No jokes. I keep thinking, i need to change! What am i doing here, really. what is my life amounting to, nothing, im so pathetic. why have i almost lost a hand and wrecked my car in the space of a couple months? what does that mean, is it the meds? Why the fuck am i on meds anyways. I have times like this, when i step back and realize how fucked and weird my life is... how can i change it? I always come back to a br, but that doesnt seem the perfect solution for this... altering your body to soothe your mind? hm... i just, i have no one to  talk to and im so pathetic and i cant do this!1! i cant.

Medieval Dreams

There was this dream last night...I think inspired by the ghost story book i've been reading lately. It was a medieval castle, there was a being, it was me, but not really, it could split into two people, and they had daemons, like the golden compass. It was a beautiful girl with long blond hair, in a red velvet gown. The daemon was a small black cat/dog type thing. She wasn't supposed to be there, she was a ghost, a being, people were afraid of her... she hid... but once a soldier or a guard saw her, saw them, he told her to get out of there, to leave. But there was so much tension, one of the half of the being felt such electricity between them. He was scruffy, handsome, weary, he saw her and her beauty but what could he do, she was a being, a ghost, a freak, different... as he turned his back on them to catch up with his men. He rounded the corner to descend the stairs... and just as he was about to go in, she ran to him, grabbed his shoulder and turned him to face ehr, and pressed him against the wall, and kissed him hard. (he actually bumped his head pretty hard haha) She needed him, she couldn't help herself you know. It was passion, she saw his old soul, his eyes, his body, his whole being and she loved every bit of it. He kissed her back, he wanted a beautiful body, he wanted to have the privilege of having her. It was scary... she wasnt human, her other half was around the corner, he knew he shouldnt, but he had to.