Visit

My family visited me today. H actually came up last night, and we hung out on the green, smoking and drinking (well until I lost the cigarettes) It was great to see her. Then in the morning everyone came up, they brought up a bunch of stuff I forgot, very helpful, along with some scarlet runner beans! Soon, my windows will be covered with this:

So pretty!
It was hard to find brunch because because everywhere was so full! Labor day weekend. It was a little awkward walking around campus, but, like always I guess. They left the blow up mattress up here so H can visit anytime she wants and have a bed! I miss them so much already. I wish I could be there with them, doing fall things, putting away veggies and fruit for the winter, harvesting.. I've never had a fall in VT without being distracted by school... I keep thinking it would have been great to take the fall/year off. School's just not as exciting as I thought anymore. H and I were talking about it, I like to experience something, and once I know what it's about, I'm on to the next thing. Like drinking and parties. Now, i've experience school, it's cool i guess... but now i need something new. I really don't know if I'm gonna be able to make it thru the entire year.
We'll see.

P.S. I love Irish Setters!!

Well, first day of classes down...I should count how many left I have to go. I mean really. Make a calendar like T. Classes were good, fun actually, the only thing that bummed me out was apparently A is in my horticulture class... I really enjoyed being in that alone. It's in the same room as my plant class last year, and I sit in the same place... It's just I fell like that's MY thing, my real self, and now I'm going to be pretending to not like it because A's there... you know what, no, I don't care what he thinks. I did have dinner with him the other night, and it's just funny because I realized how much I really...don't...like him! Like, as a person! He's such a fucking pushover, a pussy I can't stand it now that I think about it. I guess I've really put up with him cause he's been my only friend up here. He's veeery similar to K, but in guy form. So, it doesn't work. You know that's what I'm supposed to be doing, figuring out who my real friends are. Maybe UVM's not the place for me, this though keeps coming back to me. I was SO thrilled about taking a semester off... shit what the hell am I going to do.

Therapy time!!!!





Summer

Musings

Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? I guess it's what I didn't do that made this happen. I put this all on myself I can't just expect some other worldly force to clean it all up.



But is it so bad that I do? Is it so fucking bad that I think I deserve someone else to think, huh, I'd like to talk to that girl, and strike up a conversation. Someone else for a change?!? It's always me! I deserve it! I'm pretty, I actually am, in real life not just in my head, I was called the prettiest girl in my high school even! I'm funny, I'm intelligent, I know about things, about the ways of the world, I'm elegant, I'm formal, polite and have manners, I'm thoughtful, understanding, I would be a great girlfriend/wife, really, I understand guys really well. Also, I've beed told I'm excellent in bed! haha! So there! The ONLY problem is, I'm not good at, what, starting conversations? seeming inviting? It takes a little bit to get to know me, is that so bad? People don't want to do any work anymore. It used to be that men saw a pretty face and they followed her around and wanted to take her out. What happened to those days? Why do guys care about personality now? hahaha. I wish I lived in the 50's. shit. I hate how I constantly, constantly beat myself up, thinking that I'm the one with the problem and I have to change. Maybe they're the wrong ones. What, so everyone else in this world is wrong and I'm the only right one? That can't be. Maybe things are the way they are for a reason. Maybe people act this way for a reason, like it the best way for humans, as a species, to live. I don't know. But then again, sometimes I think all I really need is a good guy in my life. Then all my problems would be solved. I get such a dirty feeling when I think that, like not that way, but just not right, just gross, unclean. Kind og like how I feel when I think of M and K. Cant get a more fucked up ... thats not true at all they really... jesus who cares about them.



I really hope all this shit going on right now leads somewhere. Leads to a happier me. (Who lives in Tuscany?)






Summer

Classes!

The only thing that's keeping me going right now is excitement for my CLASSES! I can't wait to learn all this new cool stuff. Ok, my classes:

Swimming for Fitness - excited to learn a physical activity that I can keep doing (correctly!) for the rest of my life. I love swimming too.

Farm and Garden Horticulture - I am taking this because I loved my plant class last year. I don't know, something really intrigues me about learning all I can about my home and maybe my future home if I want it to be.

Italian 001- the sole reason I am taking this class is because of Frances Mayes' Under the Tuscan Sun. No kidding you. I want to visit Italy so bad!

Art History Renaissance to Modern - no explanation needed, expect that I'm thinking art history might be what I want my career to be eventually! also D's in this class with me. We had such a great time last year.

 

Introduction to Logic - I'm taking this because it counts for the one math credit that I need to graduate! Genius! I love thinking about logic and mind-twisting ideas.

Myths and Legends of the Trojan War - I love learning about ancient Greece and classical periods. I have always been fascinated by Greek gods too. In this class we are reading The Odyssey, The Iliad, The Aeneid, etc. Any educated person can carry on a conversation about these books! I can't wait to be educated!

Allllsssoooo some extracurricular activities: a intermediate pottery class, drop in yoga classes, a meditation class, some regular counseling! and hopefully volunteering at the local humane society walking dogs. 

Doesn't that sound great?! I hope it will keep me busy enough to keep my mind of all my problems. I really do have problems, don't I. That's one of the first time's I've admitted it. I try to act all perfect all of the time, and now I've started to think that I am.... that's weirdly scary.

Any-fuckin-ways, over and out,

Summer

Here We Go Again.

Welp, I'm back. It's funny I didn't write in this blog at all over the summer... I guess that means I didn't need to! I heard this great quote the other day, "diaries are for lonely people" and I have never heard truer words! They hope that someday, they we be important or loved enough so that someone will actually want to read their about thoughts and experiences. So true.
But, I'm back nonetheless. I have a single, which I did a lot to get, I actually kind of ruined the end of my summer trying to get it. I was going to live in this special programmed housing but then one day I realized that I would totally not survive living there (they were talking about going on trips together on winter break! terrifying!) and I freaked out and did all I could to get a single. It was really hard, I have never been so confused at my own behavior in my life. And, although I'm pretty sure my actions had nothing to do with it, it was just dumb luck, they called me up one day and said they had a single open.
So the room: It's smaller than I'd like, but it had 3 big windows which is amazing. I'm planning on filling the windowsill with plants and growing scarlet runner beans around the edges. I also want to get more cushioning for my bed, and make it more like my bed at home - my bed at home is a wonder, it's so comfortable. I haven't put up all my posters/tapestries yet, I've been lazy, but I will soon and it will look very warm and inviting them , the walls are white cinderblock right now haha. Top-of-the-line dorm! I did put up some photos, though, and it's funny, most of them are of me. They are my favorite pictures of myself. I mean, it's just inspiration for me really, and testament to how pretty I really am and how I will get back to that body and confidence one day.
Mom came up with me and helped me unload and unpack. I was really glad she was there, she's really been my only friend this summer and we've had some really great times together. It was the saddest thing when she left though, she turned and looked back before she went down the stairs, and she looked as if she were going to cry. I went back into my room and balled my eyes out watching her drive away. I can't take these transitions.
But the strangest thing is, I've been lying to her and everyone at home, saying that yea, I've hung out with A, and yea I met all his friends, and yea the dining hall is really cool. When in reality, I've been in my room except for two times, once getting my textbooks and the other getting some microwaveable dinners and cereal! Haha! I just don't want her to worry. I know her and dad were really surprised at how upset this single room thing made me, and they realized I had some real problems. Plus, she have better things to worry about than me, I just want her to be happy and think about me in a good light.
But the moral of this post is, nothing has changed. Here we go again. I don't want to hang out with anyone, I don't want anyone to think I'm weird, I want to be as perfect- LOOKING as possible. And I'm already not happy, I'm already longing for home and summer and tanz and donkers and the garden and my big bed.
I really don't know how I'm gonna make it through and entire year of this.




Summer

DONE

I. AM. DONE. WITH. FRESHMAN. YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fucking done with this shit man I am out of here. Can't wait to not have to sleep in the same room as my roommate. Gonna get tan, party all night, chill by the pond, read in the shade, relaxxxxxx......... I am such a summer person. My parents named me well.



-Summer

GD.

Whew-weee what a night last night! First time I've been drunk in way too long. It was fun at the time, but it really had three consequences that aren't the greatest: 1) I'M REALLY FUCKING HUNG OVER   2) I realized that I'm no fun without some alchy in me, like I don't talk at all. A little depressing.  3) I have an enormousssss crush on my guy friend. We hung out and watched ufc fighting and talked about deadliest catch and mythbusters and sat really close together.... gaahhhhh. We'll see where that goes!! Oh and a fouth: I have a fucking exam tomorrow at 7:30 in the morning and I cannot see straight no less think straight because I have the worst headache and feel like I'm going to upchuck every second. NOT good. Only thing to do is see how it goes....



-Summer

Rainy Last Day of Many Things!!

Today is the last day of classes!! School's almost over, and really, can you blame me if I am freakin overjoyed out of my mind?! I'm so ready to get out of here.
Today I had my last therapy session also, and it was really sad to say goodbye to Carmen, she has really been a huge help to me. We talked about what my future holds: working on accepting my personality and traits, and becoming "vulnerable"; working on accepting my body, because this is the one I got, and there's nothing I can do about it, and most of all, Carmen says this sumer should be for regeneration and relaxation and mulling over everything I've learned this year. I think I can do that!! Although this whole body image thing has gotten me down over the past few days, looking to the future and the bright things it holds cheers me up. It's gonna be a great summer!!!


-Summer

Maine Farm

Just read the book "Maine Farm" by two lovely people whose names I can't remember - but their book had me in tears. The descriptions of their beautiful, simple, fulfilling life reminded me so much of my childhood and the kind of life that I would like to make for myself in the future - it was all too overwhelming. The photos were absolutely stunning and I could relate to every single one of them. Although I didn't grow up by the seacoast, the climate and everything is pretty much the same, so it leads to a very similar farming experience. I do think living by the Maine seacoast would have even more benefits simply because you would have all the resources (and beauty) of the sea at your front door; seaweed for fertilizer, seafood, beach plants for wild edibles, and most of all, you could SAIL! Maine is by far one of the most beautiful places on the planet. I can remember sailing around the Maine islands with my grandfather on his beautiful Concordia wooden sailboat, each island more beautiful than the next. Then, a couple of years later I did a sailing trip with some kids my age and visited an island that was one of the most captivating, beautiful, amazing places I ever seen in my entire life, the words I write cannot begin to express it's sheer... amzing-ness! Roque Island I believe it's called, and the whole thing's owned by a couple of wealthy blokes who have hired some nice people to build and take care of a farm there. When we rowed ashore, we saw beautiful ponies grazing in the beach grass right on the dunes. The island was enchanting, and totally sustainable, green, organic everything. They let us eat some of their carrots too. It was my dream for a while to pack up and work there... and that dream is starting to come back I think.
All I know is that I am goddamn sure looking forward to getting out of here for a while a starting something new.



-Summer

Leaf-Out Here In BTown...

And I wish I gave a rats ass about it, but it's really the last thing I think about. Such a beautiful time, spring is, but it's the last thing I notice as I wallow in my pathetic-ness day after day. For example, things I accomplished this weekend: watched 100,000 clips of behind the scenes on Glee, watched half of the movie The Beach, and half of Funny Girl, read the entire book The Lady and the Unicorn, ate an entire box of cereal, drank a half a bottle of nyquill... and that is literally all I did. I'm so fucking lazy! Why don't I have any motivation? Why is it so hard for me to exercise? Why don't I like my life... and how can I let something so pathetic as being unhappy with my body get in the way of my happiness? I was looking into breast reduction last night, and it makes me queasy thinking about the actual procedure. It'd be so violating, having someone alter your body in that way. On one hand I really don't think it is right, but then I get really self conscious about my body and can totally see how a healthier looking body would improve the quality of my life. That's the thing too - usually women get breast implants and look really unnatural, and I want to make my unnatural-looking albeit natural breasts look more natural. I like to think I haven't bought into this whole modern body altering craze... but in a way, altering your body in any way is buying into it. And look at the sentence I just wrote before!!! I'm a mess that is absolutely insane to say. This is crazy.



-Summer

GUH.

Well it's that time of year again...
I am incredibly sick of school. Summer is a week and a half away and all I can think of is getting home and being with my family who loves me. Things are getting pretty old pretty fast here. For example, my fatty fucking roommate snores, the two strange queers who live next to me pound on the wall and scream and have gay conversations that I can hear every word of, and the kids on my floor are drunk 24/7 and also pound on my door and walls and scream. So in other words, I haven't gotten a wink of sleep in the last couple of days. I don't know why it's become more apparent now. Maybe just cause I hate everything about my life up here right now. The weather is getting nice up here, which I thought would lift my spirits, but then I tried on my summer clothes.... and I felt like shit once again. It's not like I've gained weight, but it's like the weight has redistributed itself from my thighs and ass to tummy and boobs. So i look really disproportional. I mean not really everything is just exaggerated in my eyes. I mean call me crazy but I think chicks with big thighs and asses and tits on the smaller side are super hot, whereas chicks on the opposite... not so much. Big tits look good when you don't have clothes on, but with clothes, you just look mostly gross. Thats why sluts and porn stars have big tits. And I (who am naturally well-endowed) am not a fucking slut! I hate when guys give me those looks, I thought I'd like it but I feel like such an object. I want to be respected, by men and women alike. ANYWAYS I just don't look hot in tanks and shorts and it was a real blow to my self esteem that I had work so hard building up over the winter. It's so sad that a little pathetic thing like that can ruin your good feeling. I guess I should bring that up with Carmen. sigh. Back to square fucking one.



-Summer

Lea and Jon - HOT

These two have great chemistry and would make a great couple if he didn't play for the other team. A loss to girls everywhere!

(Lurve this pic^)

-Summer

What I Learned Today

Today I learned that one has to be open about themselves, and all of their problems and faults, to make connections with people, to be happy. If you hide you true feelings deep inside and seem perfect all the time, people won't connect with you because you don't seem like a real person. People connect with people who are real. You might fool some with a fake exterior, fake smile, fake "I'm great, how are you?" but you will feel crummy about yourself and everything else, until you can show people what's on the inside. It's a daunting task, but it can be done.
In a personal context, I guess that means for me showing people my feelings, showing them that I get nervous in social situations, that I like my private space, that I have a hard time braking out of my comfort zone, that I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, that I am self-concious about my huge breasts and my tummy. I wish people would like walk around with signs like this on their chest, just so everything is out in the open, and everyone can cut the friggin BS and really get to know one another. Not get to know some fake person you concocted up in your head, or seen in a magazine ad or on tv. That's the problem with society today, all these fake people are shoved down our throats; real people with real issues and real bodies have yet to appear in magazines or tabloids. Like why is that so hard to do? We are surrounded by real people everyday, yet we choose to make the 1 in a billion person who has all their shit together our idol? Now tell me that isn't something wrong with that.
Something really had to change. I think if enough people say something, it will happen. We can do this guys.


Brought to you by GLEE BORN THIS WAY EPISODE
and counseling!!!




-Summer

Been A While...

Gosh I went home for Easter and I feel like I've been gone a month. I really enjoyed it, we went to my Grandmother's house and visited with relatives. It was somewhat bittersweet, because she is selling her beautiful big old house in May, so this was our last family gathering in it forever. I've had so many great memories there, it's been a real big part of my childhood. My dad said to me, "gosh if you were only a couple years older and had a nice husband and some kids, I bet you could get your grandmother to sell it to you for cheap!!" so true. It is my dream house, I would kill to live there. But alas, I am unmarried and plan on staying that way at least for a couple years.
It was the greatest thing, seeing my family and relative, they all noticed how different I looked, both physically (I have lost quite a few lbs!!) and more how I carried myself - they said I look so much more at ease with my body, spoke more freely, and just seemed more chill. And really that meant more than anything, because my family does know me better than anyone, and they realized how much work I have done to change myself and my lifestyles to be healthier and better overall. I'm glad someone realizes it. And now with all this beautiful weather, and these great feelings, I feel I'm on a high, and I don't wanna come down. Summer does indeed look promising.



ONLY THREE MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



-Summer

Yesterday vs. Today

I, being an old-fashioned girl, would pick the older stars in every single on of these pictures, but that's just me. Some striking similarities....

-Summah

Newsies

Just found an AMAZING artist....


Kristian Matsson a.k.a. The Tallest Man on Earth. A gorgeous young Bob Dylan.

-Summer

Thoughtz

My good friend called me up the other day, and we talked for hours. We haven't been keeping in touch lately, both starting college and all, but I was really happy that she called. I had really forgotten how similar  we are, in ideas, opinions, actions, and most things. I think one of the biggest differences between her and I is that she is more VULNERABLE. She wears her emotions and personality on her sleeve, what you see is what there is. Whereas with me, there are many layers. I think that is why she is better off than I, even though she might not know it right now, with all her boy troubles.
But anyways, as I was talking with her, I started to feel really good about my situation, like, yea, I'm not the only one wit these thoughts!! I'm not totally alone here!! There is someone out there who really cares about me. It gave me hope, that I can live with myself, and still have friends, and function and have a good life. Look at mom. I think she is very very similar to me personality-wise, and look at her amazing life, and how happy she is right now. And she still has so many years to live this great life. With all these great things that I'm learning in therapy, maybe that will help me accept who I am a little faster than mom did, and maybe live an even better life. I have so many talents and interests and possibilities ahead of me... I could do anything.
So, I was going with that train of thought, while simultaneously thinking this one: I don't need therapy!! I don't need to change! Why do I want to be a loud, partying college girl anyways? I should make do with what I have. I always have the tendency to want what I don't have, thinking the grass is always greener on the other side. When sometimes it isn't. Learning to live with what god gave you is one of the biggest lessons everyone has to learn in life, and I shouldn't be an exception. It's hard, yes, but struggle and mistakes are what makes us stronger and builds our character.
So thats where my heads at. I really hope I'm not just trying to justify wanting to stay in my comfort zone  of being shy and hanging out with my old friend...



-Summer

One thing I miss most up here at college is my DOG!!!! Having a little guy around who loves you unconditionally and is soft and warm is therapy. Here are some dogs that I would love to have when I grow up:

St. Bernard - Gentle giants 

Bernese Mountain Dogs - So beautiful and strong

Estrella Mountain Dog

Great Swiss Mountain Dog

Golden Retriever - the classic

English Springer Spaniel - this is the kind of dog we have now, at home. They are probably the best family dogs.

Welsh Springer Spaniel

-Summer

Whenever I think about this blog it makes me want to be a better person, cause all I seem to write about, mostly, is the good life and farming etc etc. But that is a good thing, everyone need inspiration to be a better person.

I feel this counseling thing is giving me a lot of great life lessons, that is going to give me a big step up in my coming life. You know people go through most of their life with out learning these things. I'm very proud of myself that I am taking the time to focus of this stuff now. I'm happy I don't have a boyfriend, or flock of friends,  to distract me from my learning. People my age just kind of give into the desire to be with people all the time, and then never get to spend time with just themselves until their 40's or 50's. Like that Eat Pray Love lady. She says she has never been without a boyfriend since she was 16 or something, and that's the whole reason she does that trip. Same with Under the Tuscan Sun. She takes that trip to find herself. Well, let's just say that I am taking that trip, that trip to Tuscany, Italy, India, and Indonesia... only, I'm 19 instead of 40. I mean, won't life be more fun, living like I'm young when I'm older? And for the majority of my life? These ladies only get the last half of their lives to live well.

But maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe people go on that self-discovery mission at that age because that is the only time you can. Maybe I'm to young, don't have enough experiences. But I do feel something changing inside, I do feel wiser. I do.

-Summer

Documentaries

Documentaries definetly have their good moments. I've been watching them a lot recently, just because I learn so much about some really interesting, and eye-opening topics.
Some that I've enjoyed recently:

This followed a young guy as he lived the good life, traveling down to gorgeous Patagonia by any means necessary, meeting beautiful Easter Island girls on the way, and learning good life lessons from the two guys who founded the actual Patagonia clothing company itself, who do a lot of environmental work in Chile.

This was great. It was exhilarating to know you are listening to Banksy but not actually knowing who he is. It brings up some great questions of, what is art? Can anyone make art? People often tap into the mainstream trends and make millions, without having any talent. The pop art, graffiti art that Banksy created that is popular today has definitely been taken advantage of. This definitely deserved it's globe nomination.

Super Size Me!!! It created a lot of hype when it first came out, and for a good reason,  it's good to see the truth about fast food out in the open. But... look at us today. We totally ignored the conclusions this guy came to. It's pathetic.

King Corn. I have a little crush on these guys, they are so cute. They look into the world of corn and specifically corn syrup, which is the main ingredient of most of our food nowadays. It's another bash on these huge companies, which is good. They are destroying our American freedom. There is a hilarious scene where they try to make corn syrup, and it's mostly chemicals, and really weird processes.

So interesting! This was originally a book by Michael Pollen, and it  looks into four plants: apples, potatoes, tulips, and WEED, which have become huge parts of human culture, and how complex our relationship is with them. He suggests that maybe it's not us who are the benefactors of this relationship, but it is the plants - we have transported them al over the world, and helped continue their species enormously.

More to come!!


-Summer