GO IT SOSE

So it goes.
Kind of crappy day today. Of course it was, cause you wouldn't see me writing here if it was a good day. In Pract of Arth, we had a pop discussion leading exersize, and I didi talk at all, the only thing I said was, who is she looking at. literally. I think there is a good possibility that I will fail this dialogue project. Then in writing, we had MY paragraph as a revision for the whole class, and I got to read it out loud, which of course I loved... but I just wasn't fun, I didn't have good things to say. I can smile, I can laugh, but nothing too smart ever comes out of my mouth, spontaneously, that is. If I have time to think about something, I can make sense of it, and form my opinion on it, and speak to it with due attention. Does that mean I'm dumb? I know our society values people who are witty and say smart things on a dime and have quick comebacks. I honestly would view someone like me as a little slow. Jesus, thats what our entire society is based on isn't it? First impressions? How fucked up is that? I think I remember writing at one point that I wish we all would be required to wear signs around our necks saying our strengths and weaknesses, what we like and don't - who we are. It would just take all that bullshit out of meeting someone for the first time and let humans really get to the core of having a meaningful relationship with someone. And humans are social creatures! Why do we live in a society where we DON'T include everyone, where some people don't want to be part of the society? WHat does that say?
Enough philosophy. Anyways, my day... I guess a highlight was that a cute guy in writing from north of Montreal, who plays hockey and has an amazing french accent, we were partners, and we talked a little bit about country music and living in the woods and chevy trucks... twas kinda nice. And then in color, I guess it was nice because I got my scale all done... but my roommate, whos in that class too, was all chummy with this other girl and their group, and they were showing each other texts... haha I'm so strangely possessive. I was thinking how much I like my living arrangement... we aren't really friends, but I like having someone live with me so I dont act like a complete slob and am not completely  lonely all the time. We seem to have a system worked out - I get up early in the morning and leave before she wakes up, then she doesn't get back to the room until late at night after I've already gone to sleep.. so we hardly ever see each other or get in each others hair. Nice for me, but I don't know how she likes it. Maybe it'd be nice if she switched out and I could have this double all to myself...
Regarding my social situation... I dont see much of anyone on a day to day basis, I run into people, and it's better than going a whole day without talking like I would do at uvm. I talk a lot more. If I didn't go to uvm in the first place, I would never be like this. I wouldn't have such a small amount of confidence.. I would have so many friends, and I would still be close with Kathleen... fuck. But one of the cool things is, I think it might be this medication... I dont really CARE that I dont like to be around people all the time, like I dont worry about it all the time like I did at uvm. I'm a lot more comfortable with myself. But isnt the medicaiton supposed to make me more social....? So maybe this is just me growing up. I kind of see myself all alone for a good portion of the res of my life. I mean, what other way could it possibly go. This is what I'm like. Yea, if I find a guy, how that would even happen i have no idea, but if I did, that would be really nice and I think finding a good guy would make me really happy and make a big difference in the course of my life. But I just dont know how to meet guy, well people in general. I give off a fuck you vibe. I'm fucking sorry world, thats what i do and its not fucking conscious you bastards, I do want to have friends contrary to your stupid fucking uninformed judgmental first opinions of me. Christ.
But, going home this weekend to people who don't judge me and who I KNOW love me and know me and are rooting for me whatever my path. Who would want to waste time with these idiots at school when you have people like that? I'm excited; cooking, baking, harvesting, sitting by the fire, playing with our new kitten! Oh, and btw, it's my 21st bday. my bed and I are really looking forward to having a quality sooze brew later tonight. That was bad sorry. Anyways wahooooooooooooooooooo


SUMS

Hard to Admit This....

Ok, so I'm just realizing this and it's not the most noble thing in the world, so don't judge me too harshly... so, here goes: I think one of my main goals here at college is to find a guy, that might possibly be my husband someday. I know. But I'm just trying to be practical! The majority of the population meet their future spouse in college, and it's hard to meet people your age outside of college, when you have a job, etc. And I really do want a husband, preferably one who is outgoing and active, attractive, romantic... is a disney prince.... it's true, I have high expectations.

Sigh.

Lost...

No, not lost on campus.

I'm just feeling lost in this world, lost in my life, no firm grasp on anything, I don't have anything to live by, or for, or with. You need a purpose in life. Humans like to feel like they are here for a reason, you know, even though we're not. And I'm not above that at all, I'm no elite breed. But GOD I wish I could just be happy with what I do, and who I am, and not always be thinking of the things that I don't have and should be and am not. It's no way to live! I need to ENJOY what I do have, the amazing opportunities that are in front of me right now, and push all that other crap out of my head. Positive thinking, just like mum said. Another thing is how tired I am right now, like I could go to sleep and sleep all day I'm sure. All this interaction, literally, it's tough. And I have two more classes! Christ I wanted to go to the gym tonight but that's looking like it's not gonna happen. Did I tell you about my roommate? She looks like maddi! and shes little and wear flowy bright shirts and likes cartoons and drinking I think and shes really rich and has a lot of clothes and nice things. It's funny how I don't really care that much about what she thinks of me... i dont know if we're going to get along and my hunch is that we're not really. I dont care I just need a place ot sleep. Off to class #2!!!


-Summer

New School, New Year, New Page

So, here I am, at a new school, can you believe it? I hardly can, the past 4 days have been a blur. I've met some nice people, and the campus is beautiful and small, and I have some nice classes coming up. Funny thing, I have hardly hung out with my friend who goes here,  my best friend from high school... she seems to have her own life now, you know? and it doesn't seem like she cares enough about me to let me back in. And why would she, anyhow, I'm an awful friend. Anyways. I've still been having the same thoughts about wanting to be alone when I'm with a group of people... and then feeling bad when I'm alone and thing I should be with people... fuck me, right?? Mum was telling me about a book with a title like, "Imperfections, dealing with who you are and not who you want to be" or something. But that sounds like it was written, I mean literally. Gotta read it.
Oh, and, last night I was reaching for my razor in my bag and bam, it took a chunk out of my finger. I was really bleeding and I couldn't get a bandaid out and I got really dizzy and lightheaded so I went down the hall and had my friend put a bandaid on it... gosh it was intense. But that was nice of her. So I can hardly use my right hand correctly cause it hurts. a lot. Great start to the year huh? I hope I can write... so, I have my first class soon. updates to come. But you know? I feel like I'm living. And it's a great feeling.


-Summer

summer/summer/20-summer

That's the date for today.


It's been nice week at home, I really missed it here. I'm so lucky to live here. Well, to have grown up here. I don't really feel like this is my "home" any more... this is my parents' creation, this house, farm, family... I want to go out there and create my OWN life. So I feel kind of in limbo here. I felt this way last year. I remember coming home from college last year, and sitting on the porch after dinner and crying my eyes out. I just cried and cried. I felt so directionless, so purposeless. I do feel that way this year, but less so, I guess I appreciate it here a bit more. Maybe after having no human contact for a year this seems like downtown LA. In a good way. I got a gardening job the historical manor in town, with my sister, I'm quite excited. Not much human contact or brain power required! Perfs. I'm reading the Mermaid Chair (this is my third book already... ah, summer) and it has some fantastic musings on the meaning of life and god and such, which I adore reading/thinking about. This monk, a very tan and handsome monk, talks about the Great Beauty, or something, of the world, and how forcing life or forcing thought is futile; all you can do it give yourself up to the beauty of the world and let yourself enjoy it. People talk about the 'meaning of life' but there is no real meaning, it's all meaningless, so all you can do is give yourself up to it and accept that that's the way it is. Yea some of my own ideas are thrown in there, gosh I could just go on forever and ever.
Anyways. Today I went outside and walked around in the woods and sat in the middle of this clearing, somewhere behind the pond, and just sat and thought and looked at the leaves and listened to the birds and tans running around and blue sniffing things nearby. It was so calm and hushed and slow. I could of have stayed there for hours. Then I made my way to the top of the hill and sat there as well - it was a whole different world, more alive, more vibrant, more flying things, more wind on my face, more sensory simulation. But I don't think I would choose one over the other... there's a place and a time for each one. Each one is good when you need it.
Aaaand then I came home and did cartwheels on the lawn. Quality day.

Home Stretch!

4 more days a couple hours til I finally get to leave and head back to my beautiful home and loving family and relaxing life. Just 2 exams, one of which I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail, in my way before I leave. Fuck SE Asian art, I mean who the fuck needs it. It's funny, I've been brainstorming ideas of how to change the grades in my report card so mum and dad will think I did great. Because they know I don't have a social life, and they think they only thing I do is do homework, which I don't at all, I never do hw, so what will I tell them if I get bad grades? Yea mum and dad, i watched tv and movies all second semester and have zero fucks left over for homework. Which is literally what I did. I don't know. But what if the grades are awful and S drops my acceptance? They wouldn't understand why, then they'd call people... jesus can't do that. Part of me almost wants to get dropped from S, then I'd have some freedom to choose what I really want to do. I'm beginning to think art is a big mistake major-wise. I was thinking I'd just go to a 2 yr trade school, or degree program and learn an guaranteed income job, instead of wasting my time learning about greek history. But then I though, no one hires you if you only did 2 years of college! Basically a base requirement in a bachelors. I would be screwing myself. Maybe I could find a program that did both, a 4 yr college where a learned a trade.... maybe thats just like picking a school with a major you like? Haha. Goooood. So, obviously still have some thinking to do. At home, on a blanket in the back yard, with a cold lemonade and shades. Sigh.




Sums

Splendor

I just watched Splendor in the Grass, an Elia Kazan movie with Warren Beatty, my current obsession. It was quite interesting, the overall message: we might have had great times in our youth, but we grow old and things change and we have to keep moving forward and not dwell on those times, because we'll always have them as memories. This girl and boy were crazy in love with each other, but he leaves her to go to college, and she goes crazy without him. Years pass and they grow up and find new people to love, and when they finally meet up years later, their meeting is strange, they don't know each other anymore, things aren't the same, so it's awkward. But they both feel complete when they leave, because they know the feelings aren't there anymore, and they've had closure on that part of their life.
It makes me think, number 1, will i ever fall in love with someone the way people fall in love when they're young? Things change when you get older, sparks are fewer. And number 2, i think i'm dwelling too much on my past. I'm really not good at looking forward, I'm a very in the moment type girl. The future scares me, i prefer to dream about my childhood home, my family, where everything was perfect. But, you have to keep moving forward.




Sums

Longings

I realized today that my mouth waters when I see something I want. Not food anymore, food is my mortal enemy. But other things. My mouth watered when I thought of the the scent of lilacs blooming at home. When I saw the scene of the full moon rising over the prairie in days of heaven. When I think of baking my mum a mothers day cake. When I think about having a house with a wall of windows and a chaise lounge and a rose garden. When I think about my forbidden affair with M. When I think about watching the storm roll in on the top of cemetery hill. When I think of dancing with my sister for hours at our cousins wedding when we were ten. When I dream about being beyonce. (shes a goddess reincarnate, i'm convinced) When I think about being the object of someones fantasy.
Basically, I'm so deprived of LIFE in general that my body has a physical reaction whenever I entertain the idea of living. It's sad I suppose. But I'm hoping that the path I'm on is the right one, and will get me where I want to go.

Dream snapshot

This dream from last night.... I was down at the barn, looking out the window at him, standing up on the road with his old friend. He had just gotten turned in and would be taken away any moment. His dark hair was scruffy from his days in hiding, but his eyes were clear, black, glittering diamonds. His gaze up at the hills and the sky was calm yet inside he was boiling with anger and emotion. He was dressed in old clothes and a brown oil jacket, and I was scared to come out, but I did, because he drew me.


-Sums

I've known about my transfer acceptance for weeks now and I just told my best/only friend about it now. She was really happy for me. I've also had the deposit and acceptance confirmation sitting on my desk for weeks now too, and just can't seem to be able to find an envelope. I wish I knew why. This is a door that's opening up for me, opening up to a thousand new possibilities, a life I actually would enjoy living, full of friends and laughter. Why would I ever want to close that door and continue on this unhappy, lonely path that leads nowhere? What makes the most sense to me is the heart/present over head/future thing. I think my heart is thinking about all the worry I'm going to go through, all the awkwardness, and it doesn't want to go through that, however short it might be. Even a little bit feels bad. But my head knows that in the long run, it could have nothing but good outcomes. Only good things could come of this. I'll be getting a degree, I'll be meeting new people, I'll be developing that social aspect of life, opposed to the academic/intellectual part, which I think I've gotten down these past two years. In life, you always have to be moving forward, and this is the only option I am presented with right now that leads that way. It's all very logical isn't it, almost scientific rules. I think that way, but all my actions up until now have been with my heart. I do things that feel good. Maybe that's why I'm such at odds with myself, because I have these two different things inside of me. Or maybe, I've thought with my heart this whole time, and only now am I realizing the logic part of me, and I'm trying to incorporate that into my life. Do people ever go through life just going off feelings? I wonder how they say no to anything. Say yes to anything. I feel like you'd get hurt a lot but also feel really good a lot too. But, that's not me at all, I'm right in the middle... you know, maybe I'm trying to figure out that balance between head and heart right now. That's why I'm so at odds with myself. Ah, the balance. I remember once I wanted to get the golden mean symbol, or numbers tattooed somewhere. Haha what? I was just thinking about that balance, and it's true, the golden mean is an amazing thing. On the other hand, I'm just glad I'm not in that tattoo phase anymore... But, I havn't found that golden mean yet. But I do believe, with all of my head, I'm on the right track.

Current obsession: harry potter. I know, a little slow on the uptake, but ive only seen a couple movies and i read all the books obsessively, i loved them. Ive watched them all up to the phoeni one. Ive also watched all the youtube vids about cast interviews, behind the scenes, bloopers, etc. it's so cute, they're really a great bunch of people, down to earth even with all their fame. I love tom felton, hes so bubbly, and mat lewis is the epitome of the good things that puberty can do. And hearing them talk about their experience, growing up on set, it's interesting, cause theyre like, yea itll always be a big part of my life, it shaped who i am. and then they always talk about the people, how thats the one things theyll miss, the one thing that they loved about the whole experience. And I think thats very interesting. I mean theyre all the same age as me, at the same place.Where would they be if they didnt audition for this movie? Maybe in a situation similar to mine. It makes me wish that my parents put me into a situation, forced me, put their foot down, made me do some sort of activity that would stay with me all my life, something that gave me a good group of people that i could lean on for the rest of my life. I mean, school, i guess. another reason why you should never homeschool your kids - it messes up their development, interaction with peers is vital. Anyways, maybe its a testament to my strageness, how ive been with peers all my life, except for the last two years, and ive still turned out like this. funny story i saw my old (only) boyfriend out the window of the library today, he was far away but i could tell it was him, golden locks, longboard and all, and even though it was only for maybe 10 seconds i felt my heart just surge... those old feeling of being in a relationship came back and they were feelings i havn't felt in a while... i almost cired. Not for him, but for those feelings. i long for those feelings again, even though theyre not all happy ones. Relationships are so important, ad i can feel that part of me missing. Maybe THAT is whats missing. thats why im so messed up.

I just had an awful thought: what if I just am like this, period, and it is impossible for me to succeed in any social situation, cause i just dont have that base confidence, that apparently some people are born with? Like, I just cant function normally, so what if all this.... my...entire life... is just, not really worth it, a fighting cause? I can't understand what in the world my family sees in me. Why do they still keep rooting for me? Yea, I've gotten some good grades... and they do bring that up most of the time.... but like what good have i show, HUMAN-like? Yea, I'm glad my parents didn't give me much direction so I could figure things out by myself, or I will be glad in the long run, but this fucking sucks. I literally wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hate every single feeling I'm feeling right now, every single thought that comes into my head, I don't trust them, I don't trust any action I do, or any words my family says. How does anyone my age not commit suicide??!?? Props to everyone who is older than 25!! I salute you and your other worldly bravery and courage that are necessities in order to survive this time. Fuuuuuuck.

Currently obsessed with the song sultan of swing by dire straits. I know its been on the point for ever, and I  usually just pass over it, but did appreciate the finger work. Then I saw the music vid... I am so incredibly captivated by the lead singer, mark something... i think it might partly be the lighting in this vid, but he has these amazing dark eyes, and this amazing fleeting smile, and the crinkles under the eyes, you know that? I think thats so attractive. Come to think of it he looks a lot like my first boyfriend.... hm. Maybe it's a jewish thing, although I'm not jewish... i love curly hair... haha oh my god. What a funny turn on. Anyways, tangent. Procrastinating major, I have a huge test, and a huge paper, and too much huge stuff coming up, and all I want to do is be driving across the country, somewhere other than here. I'm hoping to lose some lbs but that is almost impossible for me. I was realizing, i like things that give you quick pleasure, watching a movie, eating, ming, etc... reading, it takes too long, painting a picture, too long, exercising, too hard... you know. It's too true. More evidence that you cant live in pleasure and comfort your whole life, you HAVE to get out there and take chances.

New Diet...

Going on a cross country road trip this summer, and next to my amazingly beautiful, skinny sister, I'm going to look like a balloon, so I need to start losing lbs right about NOW. I just don't want my weight to hinder me. Giving this a go:


Morning:
-cereal and milk

Mid-morning
-fruit and nuts

Lunch
-salad

Mid-afternoon
-fruit/nuts/nothing

Dinner
-salad


Mon/Wed/Fri: Cereal breakfast. Go to SEasian. After, go to marketplace, get 2 salads, and 3 pieces fruit, bag nuts. Eat snack in d center. After french, eat salad. After music, eat fruit/nuts. Salad for dinner

Tues: Cereal breakfast. Fruit at 10ish. Walk to d center, 11ish, buy 2 salads and fruit/nuts first, then study, eat lunch before heading to arth at 1. After arth, eat fruit/nuts. Eat other salad for dinner

Thurs: Cereal breakfast. Fruit before french. After french, go to marketplace, 2 salads, fruit/nuts. Eat salad. Arth. After, fruit. Salad dinner.

Weekends: go to marche sat morning early, get food for whole weekend.

Vid

Watched this vid on a guy in a skateboarding accident who had a siezure. It was so awful, things like that really get to me I have no idea why I even clicked on it. It's that human curiosity. Oh well.
So, I got done with my ridiculously busy day yesterday... and it was so funny I got back to my room, and I'm like... so what do I do now?? I was so bored, and still am. I do have a long list of long term items I could get going on, but you know how that usually goes. Oh, big step, I decided to go without makeup today! I know I think it's a real sign that I'm growing up, not giving a fuck about what other people think, cause I don't. i want my skin to be healthy and able to breath. So what if I have a blemish or 2? I'm visiting my sister on saturday, that should be fun. we had such a great talk yesterday, and we got a little farther on our summer plans. I'm so excited. Today I'm going to PC and the store to get a light spring jacket, and my ploughmans lunch so i can watch new girl. Lol, all my traditions. I like consistency, and places I'm familiar with. Anyways, off to class, over and out -


Sums

Late Nite

Ran out of advil pms yesterday, and had such a busy day today, i couldn't make it to the pharmacy. Tried to sleep tonight, but literally, there were so many thoughts in my head, I couldn't even close my eyes. I think it might have been partly mental too... on well thats what i do, think. So, i got fed up, got up, dressed, and drove to the 24/7 price chopper in town. It was much needed, to get some more advil pm but also to clear my head. I like it when no one is on the road, just you. I also walked by a big container of strawberries and couldn't resist. They're probably one of my favorite foods, they make me completely happy. But lying in bed earlier, I was having all these big thoughts. Like how maybe it'd be nice to take next year off, get a job, chill. I'm just so hesitant about sm, and i hate it here... i mean why do i keep undermining myself and my gut feelings? why can't i listen to them?? Again with the constant battle between the RIGHT thing to do and what i FEEl like doing. Heart vs. Head. I was also thinking about the world problems, how, if i put my mind to it, i could probably find a reasonable solution to most of them. Or at least find out what the roots are. I have a mind that works that way, deals with the big picture and thinks things through to the end. I just have this social disability thing... what if a mind like mine is wasted? isn't that true of most geniuses, though, they have a hard time socially. But then, I was listening to that new fleet foxes song, about orchards, and how maybe the right thing to do is give up humanity, civilization, and go live on a farm in the countryside. Because I feel like if I tried to solve the worlds problems all i would come up with is that humans, as a species, are fatally flawed. And theres nothing that an ardent speaker, an internet website, a tv show, a book could do about it. Maybe just living your life the way that makes you happy, away from corrupting society, would be good for the soul, and would make your short stay on this earth the best it could be. But then, zoom in a thousand times, back to me, i also was thinking more about a br, and how that keeps coming up, and how maybe to live this life of fulfillment and happiness, I might need smaller ahems, just a comfortable body overall. I long to exercise, really do, I've realized how important it is... but I cannot. I don't know if it would give me confidence or not, but I do believe that it would get me closer to where I want to be.
aw well, advil pm is kicking in.


-Sums

Faith - Restored

Stumbled upon reddit.com while looking at memes... what, they're funny. I went to the imagur part, and clicked through gazillions of pictures for the good part of an hour - i thought it was going to be mindless nerd jokes but there were so many amazing pictures! Inspiring, touching stories, beautiful places, everything. There were so many amazing people in there, and it restored my faith in humanity a great deal! I think popular culture portrays such an inaccurate picture of everyday people these days, not to mention our society encourages isolation, so we just don't know who's out there, and that there is, in fact, still good people in the world. They aren't all gone! It's funny that it takes the internet to see that, when in a way, the internet is the source for a lot of our problems.
Just a thought for the day. Sorry the writing is atrocious... not feeling too good about the essay i have to write tomorrow.


-Sumz

Realizing...

Realizing that there is not one palace where I can let my multitude of guards down and just be myself. I think that's partly because I don't know exactly who I am, but also just because I try to act perfect to everyone, even my family. I always have told myself that home is where I can relax, but I'm not really being myself, I'm just more comfortable there, I know my surroundings and I know where i fit in. Because I feel like if I were "myself" I wouldn't be comfortable anywhere, because I've never been her before and I wouldn't know where to go. It's like, remain comfortable forever, or be uncomfortable and feel great. Be so-so in the middle or both extremes. Life's never easy.


Sums

So, Just to Review...

Things are quite a whirlwind right now. Let us review exactly the multitude of things that are going wrong in my life at the moment, the few good things, and the tasks at hand. (It helps me clear my head. Bare with me.)


Bad:
-Just found out I didn't submit all of my application to my transfer college. Probably won't get in, or even be considered.

-Spent a lot of time on a painting and got an "eh" response.

-Skipped my arth class because i didn't feel like participating in the discussion today. Won't be able to hand in notes, so grade will be lowered. All because I didn't want to talk in front of people.

-French quiz today, studied, but for the wrong things. Probably got all wrong save 2 or 3.



Good:
-Chris talked to me in french class. And smiled.

-I get to go home this weekend.

-I have pretty curly hair today.



So, To Do:
-Write music test.

-Ren Art flash cards.

-Ren Art readings.

-Asian Paper.

-Asian readings.

-French Amelie paragraph and workbook.

-Music listening.





And there it is. That's how it is and there's not much I can do change the fact that this all happened. I can just go from here. How about go do all your school work, get it all done, so you can relax over the weekend and not give a flying f about school at all. I just wonder how I'm going to tell my mum about not getting in to S.  And what the fuck am I going to do next year?!!?? Holy crap freaking out now. Need some new girl and lunch and tea. Gotta go.

GASP! Feelings!

Feelings... I can't tell if this one is because I'm so used to this feeling and it's comfortable now, or if it's just good to be feeling again period. I just painted a (masterpiece) painting for my friend, it's his birthday today. I took the basic design from somewhere else, but I spent so much time finding the right one to give to a guy who doesn't really know art. And it was really good, you know? It was really good, and I spent a whole afternoon painting it. Haha. So I gave it to him, earlier today, and he did the thing, you know when you don't really like something? "ooooooohhhh thaaaaaaank you its so .... niiiiiiiiice." Literally. Fake smile and all. But, I didn't just know if he didn't know how to say thank you, maybe. I just don't know how someone could not like it! I'm not being conceited I promise, and believe me I am very good at reading people. So... I'm just confused, and hurt that he didn't like it, didn't acknowledge my hard work. I tried my hardest and I didn't succeed. It's a bad feeling but it's familiar to poor old me. Sigh. So it goes huh? Those who have it bad have it really bad.

Ah well. Think I'll go read about Brahms and Mahler and drink some tea, and listen to the gusty wind outside, preceding the storm that's on it's way, making the pines whisper.

more thoughts, I guess... what else is there to do?

Watched the little mermaid, listened to fix you by coldplay, and bawled my eyes out. Gosh I'm such a case.

I guess I just get that feeling, when I start to cry, that I'm crying and no one is there to comfort me. And that makes me cry more, and i think how nice it would be just for once to have my own prince philip or eric or charming who would see me and fall in love with me an do anything for me. I wonder if guys ever feel that way. I hate how society has become, how it's so hard for a guy to just go up to a girl. 

I guess I'm just wondering what I'm doing wrong. Like is it this personality thing, where its hard to come out of my shell? Or is it just society man. I was thinking, ok, so im here. where to go now? And basically a boyfriend would fix a lot of my problems, i feel. I mean because right now i am so directionless with such a lack of identity, and i can see no plausible way to get out of that WITHOUT a guy. I mean, he would make me happy, make me feel things good and bad, and so i might attach my identity to his a little bit, but at least it would give me a starting point. Like he would give me the confidence (i know, but its true) to do things and maybe in that i would learn some things about myself. so although he would eventually leave, i would have learned some stuff and maybe have a couple more friends that i could continue my life with feeling happy about. And its like what wrong with that. people say you dont need a guy blah blah but i think they say that to make single women feel better and forget that fact that they are incredibly lonely and do in fact need a guy. or maybe its just incredibly hard to get to the point where you dont need a guy. I was thinking, how could i get there without a guy? Its this thing about confidence. I've been through this a million times. I was thinking body - surgery, br, whatever, get myself to the most perfect body i can have. thats always been a big obstacle for me and i think every other girl on this planet. Or perfect personality - although im beginning to think that theres not a lot about that i can do. I dont want to do medication, because i think they'd be hard pressed to find a medication that give you confidence and selectively deletes all the bad thoughts in my head. I'm just too proud for that type of thing. I think it's one of the biggest paradoxes that i am so incredibly self conscious and have such a lack of self confidence, yet i still think im the prettiest, most intelligent, funniest person out there, or like i have the capacity to be. Well i suppose everyone does in a way. maybe its when you lose that sense of hope to be better thing get bad. i bet it goes away as you get older and nothing happens, you lose it... 

In conclusion, I have no idea about anything, and I have no idea where to go or what to do or how to get anywhere that I want to be. The end.

Sums

Thoughts After a Busy Weekend

I visited my friend at the college I'm thinking of transferring to this weekend. And I'm so full of thoughts, I could hardly get to sleep last night. I was thinking how my introverted side really came out in my actions there: I spent a day and a night and when I woke up the next day I just got this feeling like I needed to go home, like I was too tired and too anxious. And I realized that I had been going for too long (apparently a day is too long) without having some alone time to mull things over and think things through. I just needed it to function. So I made up some excuse and made myself look like an idiot I'm pretty sure, and hurt my friends feelings, and cam home. I feel bad that I can't spend a weekend with my friend, but I feel good that I am realizing that about myself.
But also, I had a lot of thoughts regarding my choice to transfer. As in, kind of questioning it. I talked to some art majors there, and all they said was how much WORK it was. Working - not my strong suit. I'm a lazy fuck. And I don't even know if art is what I really want to focus in. Ah, that's right, I was going to look in to how much work a minor is, that might be less. Also I got the feeling that art history wasn't a big major there. But I guess I knew that. I guess my feelings are that it would be a lot more work, I would be deeply exploring all these subjects, academics would be very important and heavily weighted. But also the social aspect. My friend was saying that it's so small that everyone is kind of trying to meet new people all the time, just to make their life more interesting. So people are for the most part very friendly. Like my friend's friends, they were so so so nice to me. BUT I just don't know if I would be very responsive to that offer of friendship. I just, I don't know, I'm so strange, and weird, and I would push them away I know it. It's just like maybe a big school where I have the opportunity to be anonymous, is what I need. I would just be more comfortable. Looking back now I realize that going to U has probably been the biggest mistake of my life so far. It really got me into this unhealthy antisocial behavior that will be enormously difficult to break out of, if not impossible. I think if, right after high school, I had gone to a place like S, I would have really blossomed and would actually have an ok life now.
So, my dilemma is, where to go from here. Transferring would be incredibly hard in all aspects, but my life might, might, turn around for the better, and I might get on a path where my life could be happier But if I stay here, I think things would stay relatively the same. My social life probably wouldn't be amazing. But I feel like, I'm getting this feeling now, that I would try to get more into things here, if I didn't transfer. Like  it would finally get through my thick skull that I gotta make the best of things here or else it'll suck like it did in years past! And regarding academics, I wouldn't be push as hard as I would at s, but I think I can put into it however much effort as I want and still....do....well. haha. And here, the cost is low, no loans in the future. Close to my family which I really need, and are really the closest support group I have.
So there it is. Thanks for listening to me unload and sort my thoughts. Much needed.


oxox
Sums

I guess it's too much to ask to have a nice life. I just have no idea what to do to get myself in a good placce. I just watched House, then looked up Jesse Spencer because he captivates me, and I saw that he was dating this girl, a surfer apparently, and I saw a picture of her and she's fairly attractive, not extreme in any direction... And I'm just like, why not me? Like, how come, what does she have that I don't? I hate how people keep saying to me I'm attractive (i was called "the good Kardashian sister" the other day) but, why don't I have a boyfriend? How come our society is so shut off that it's so hard to ask another person out on a date? Why are guys such pussys these days? But it even goes farther because I realize that these guys are just two people in an adult relationship, who care a lot about each other, and seeing couples like that really make me crave something like that. You know? Fuck flirty high school shit, it's such a waste my time. Although sometimes I feel that all I know how to do... I once heard a quote, the only reason we get married is to have a witness to our lives. Because without a witness, did it really happen? People need each other. There's an emptiness inside that I keep ignoring and try to fill with other things, but I know the only thing that can fill it is a guy who loves me. I'm like, yea, I'll gain this confidence in myself, my way, so I can be confident in a relationship, but in reality, how the f am I going to do that? Where does confidence come from if not from others? I brought a painting to an art show the other day, and I got hundreds of compliments but I still felt ashamed of my work! I kept saying, oh they're just being nice. WHY!!??! I feel as if I don't understand my own actions. And i don't know how to get where I want to go. I've done all this therapy in the last couple of years but where have I gotten, really? The conclusions I seem to have come to from that are to: get major surgery to make my body perfect, or to take medication, or to get a boyfriend. I mean, why can't it be, meditate, or eat an avocado a day, or take a trip to Jamaica, or something? why are my needs so superficial? I think the thing I really need to figure out is whether this will all get better with age or if it won't, and I need to do one of those drastic things to make my life something that I actually don't mind living. Because right now, I'd rather be anyone else.


Sorry for the train of thought.



Sums

What Do You Want To Do Before You Die?

The Buried Life - an inspirational show. It clears up the answer to the question, what is the meaning of life: it's to complete your bucket list. It's to DO those things you've always wanted. I mean, is the point of life really to make money in a job? To keep a house for your husband? Yea, we make do but we aren't really happy or fufilled. LIFE is such a gift, we could be dirt on the ground right now but we are living, breathing, the product of millions of years of evolution, capable of so much. Do we really want to waste that invaluable gift by "making do"? We have to grab the bull by the horns and do everything we possibly can in this world before we die. DO IT ALL!!! Cause you can't reach the end of your life and be like geez, I wish I did that, and live all over again, you've only got one life! Make it worth it!

So what do I want to do before I die? I want to sail around the entire fucking world. I want to pack up, with a couple of good buddies, get an old fixer upper, clean er up, and set sail. No looking back. Spend as much time as we want in each place, seeing the world, meeting new people, experiencing new cultures. Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece, Egypt, Madagascar, India, Thailand, Philippines, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, Cali, Mexico, Peru, Chile, Brazil, Caribbean. Anywhere and everywhere. Antarctica! Last stop will be Victoria, B.C., to say thanks to the boys for inspiring us to live our lives. (Then hopefully invite them aboard and party with them and ask Ben if he wants to cross something off his list by sleeping with his HOTTEST fan - ME.)  


I hope when I'm old I can look back on my life and smile at all the things I've lived through and know that I've really and truly lived.

You know, I've been thinking, these wishes and all. People say that money doesn't buy happiness, but what if the things that make me happy, can only be had with an excess of money? Thing that make me happy are works of art, beautiful houses, beautiful views, beautiful men (wink). I like possessing things. People THINK that money will make them happy, but I know it as a fact. Spending all this time alone lately I've learned two things: that being surrounded by people who love you is the only way you can be truly happy; and two, the things that make me happy when I'm not surrounded by people I love - see above. If I can't have one I might as well have the other, otherwise what's the point. Finding a rich guy that I love seems to be my ideal outcome right now, then I'll have both. But if that doesn't happen, I can find I guy that I love, regardless of money, and we can have lots of kids and live close to mum and dad and H and R and I can be happy that way, OR marry a rich guy who I don't love, and have him buy me lots of houses and clothes and jewelry and beauty in general, and I can make friends and I'll be fine, I'll still have my family. OR I can come upon a large sum of money myself, then marry I guy that I love. But lets be real, how would I get any money.

Wishes

If I had three wishes, they would be....

1. 10 BILLION DOLLARS in my name is such way that I could access it all and it's legal and unquestioned and everything.

2. A guy who is physically identical to Paul Walker, who is exactly what I want/need in a guy, and who worships me and loves me unconditionally, and will never leave me.

3. The perfect body, you know, the one I always dream of having. Perfectly proportional. My face is the most beautiful it can be without looking too different - bigger eyes, more amazing, captivating, dark, with thick eyelashes. Smaller cheeks, smaller nose. Dark hair with bright natural highlights and naturally wavy. Naturally tan. Strong everywhere. Big butt! Firm belly with some natural pudge. Strong arms, long fingers with perfect long nails. Breasts a size D, prefect, firm, perky. Also able to age gracefully.



aka..
1. Money
2. The Perfect Man
3. The Perfect Me

Tumbly

Hey all, I got a tumblr! I love it. Finally, a place to put all those pics that have been piling up on my desktop... they're just pics that I love, I think you'll like them too. Check it out!


http://summers-midnight-dream.tumblr.com/




Summer

VDAY

More like D Day. Actually, I'm not bitter about Valentines day this year, I never have been really, it's just another day... without love... I mean, I just feel like those people feel today, every day. It's not special. The one time I did have a boyfriend on Valentines day, it was nice actually, he made me truffles. Aw. But he was a sucky boyfriend overall.
So, anyways, mum sent up the nicest package, with chocolates and the 'guess how much I love you' book, from my childhood... I can't imagine anything sweeter, I almost cried. She's so thoughtful, when she wants to be. I texted K, she hasn't replied yet... and I texted H, and she called me, and she sounded ok, a little stressed with everything, homework and all. I hate hate hate to hear her sound sad, it's the worst feeling on the planet. I don't know if it's protective or what. I'm making her a painted mirror for her bday, after this one of mums she saw and liked. I have to get to As painting too! I think I know what I'm going to do now. After 2 years... lol. I also called home and no one anwsered, I hope they call soon... It's funny I almsot feel better calling them, then actually talking to them. Cause I feel good, even though I havn't talked with them. It's so weird.
So, '7 yr itch' just came on netflix instant, so planning on watching that this evening, maybe doing a Marilyn post, after reading art hist (gonna keep up on that this time) and doing some french. I hate french. So, happy v day all, and over and out.

Sums

Stairs.

What is happening today!?! Even time I walk up or down a flight of stairs I think I'm going to skip a step, and my heart flies into my mouth and I falter and almost fall!! It's so bizarre. SO BIZARRE. Maybe I'm over tired.
But, my test went well this morning. And my mummy sent me a valentines day package! She's such a nice person, it made me feel so good. And I needed some chocolates :) Definitely going home this weekend.


Love,
Sums

Oh, oh dear. Up too late, big test tomorrow, cannot sleep... reading Frances Mayes' blog and want to cry. Listening to Norah Jones' first album and want to cry. Reading Way Over Yonder and want to cry. Thinking of H and want to cry. I'm too tired for this, world.  Good thoughts make me cry, bad thoughts make me cry. Why not give me no thoughts at all, those are the easiest to handle. I can't deicide if I want to go home this weekend... it jsut annoys the crap out of me, thinking about it... I feel like it's something I shouldn't have to think about, why can't my matters be of a more exciting, interesting subject? Why is my life so dull?
 I didn't call my grandmother today to wish her a happy birthday. She turned 90.

Friday Night

It's funny how I feel so good staying in on friday and saturday nights... I feel even better when I do something liiiiike watch Spirit or Fantasia or any disney movie and drink tea and curl up in my blanket. These movies are great, they make you feel so good, maybe because they remind you of your childhood. I had the best childhood anyone could dream of. I miss it. 

Friend :(

A guy sat down across the table from me a while back in the library. He took out a book and started to read. He wasn't special in any way, seemed like the most normal guy in the planet. He seemed pretty wrapped up in his book but when he would take a sip of coffee I could see him look at me. Just curious, not suggestive. I snuck glances at him too. I think I fidgeted with my hair too much. Then, he got up and left a minute ago. I watched him go and felt sad. Like a friend was leaving. Funny how strangers can be our companions.

Re-reading

Ah, yes, going over past posts when you can't sleep and have nothing else to do... I know it well. It's funny it's always such a revelation whenever I do that, here or in diaries, because I'm reminded how far I've come and how much I've grown and learned, even in a couple months. I wonder if there will ever be a point when I will stop looking back at past thoughts and feel so far removed from that person who thought them. It's uncomforting; I like things stable and consistent.
I think I've been coming to grips with my vast arsenal of dream and fantasies; such as this one of being grown up and having the perfect mind; I accept them now as things that keep me going, and are natural and dare I say healthy. They keep me going; give me something to look forward to... They are... the only thing I have.

Marilyn

Marilyn is my hero. She was so incredibly beautiful, and what a body. I honestly don't know of another celebrity that is so completely beautiful. It makes you wonder why in the world aren't people with this body type put into magazines and movies? Compared to her, everyone in our popular culture is a sickly, unattractive waif. Long Live Marilyn.

--thoughts--

Ah yes, researching oriental carpets in painting and watching the snow fall and the sun shine at the same time. How strange. I realized today that aunt scarlett is visiting me the same time as the full moon... don't people talk about women being connected to the moon somehow? I wish that those fantastical stories of magic, gods, and spirits were true... life would be so exciting. I just don't believe in anything, so my life is a little uneventful. I've thought that turning to god might be a good idea, but what if I turn to the greek gods? Now THAT would be exciting. Sorry, I've got to go give offerings to Athena at my shrine, I cant go see a movie. It would give me something to do. I wonder if other people are like me. That's one of my biggest questions. but how will I ever know? Theres gotta be. If anything, I'm the most average person on the planet. I was thinking, the right kind of guy for me would be a guy who is looking for some stability, a rock, a grounder, to love him unconditionally and constantly, forever. And who can keep a good house and make a mean steak. I'm not wild or crazy; drama's not my thing. Sorry, didnt mean to turn this into an internet dating site. Back to studying...


Sums

Spring?

Feels like springtime outside! It's amazing how it raises my spirits. Full of thoughts of daffodils, crocuses, robin, turning water, walks down to church street, dreaming of packing up my room and leaving, the greenhouse and the smell of the earth... New beginnings. The sun feels so good and makes you want to be a better person. It infuses you with it's own firey, powerful lustful life force, and you feel alive. It's an amazing feeling for people like me who don't feel a lot of things everyday. This weather, it also makes me think of this summer, the things that are in store, things that could happen, adventures I could have... I really want to drive cross the country, but maybe I'll be in the city, living in a three story townhouse and working a little bit... still, it sounds amazing. And then, the piece de resistance... PARIS!! Everything I do now I feel is in relation to that.



But, it's still winter. And I have a lot of homework to do.

I've been on tumblr looking at all these fashion blogs, they are so great and beautiful and I just want to look like all those girls in the pictures. Beauty is SO important to me; it would be a crushing blow if someone told me I could never be beautiful. Because one of the only things that keeps me going is that hope that someday, I might be the perfect, most beautiful person. It's superficial and unrealistic, I know, but it gives me great comfort.

Another thing: I'm going to Paris next year! For the whole year! It's so amazing, yet so daunting. I get these momentary panic attacks every once in a while, where I get so anxious and scared about it, and think why in the hell am I doing this? It'd be so much easier to stay here and do what I know. But I push those thoughts away because I know this will turn me around, I know this will be good for me, and I will finally have a taste of real life. This isn't real life here, I haven't felt good about it here ever. But this, Paris, it's so EXCITING! Think of all there is to see, all there is to learn, and do. I feels right. Unlike here. Mum said it felt like all I've ever done has been leading up to this very moment! She's so happy for me, it's wonderful. There are many things I have to do before I go though - but I'm not worried. Life starts now.



-Sums

Update!

Ah, life is good. Ish. Got honked at as I was walking to breakfast by a van full of snowboard bros! Lol, they were probs still asleep, it was like 8am. I didn't know my ass was that nice! Anyways, Thursday K visited so A and B came over and we all got trashed, and B and I flirted like 4 year olds, whats new, and A had a dick of a friend who made fun of me, and was really touchy feeling with B all night, lol. And As fucking loser of a roommate, hes so weird. He drank like half of all our alcohol but was so quiet. Ugh. So, I was so drunk. In the morning I had so many classes and met with study abroad people and my cute advisor, all while I was unbelievably hungover and on the verge of puking every minute. And I lost my phone haha! I found it at HM front desk. No idea. But i learned a lot about my future and studying abroad, and that pretty much whats on my radar right now, trying to get to Paris next year! I gotta get out of here, and La Ville Lumiere, what could be better than that. BUT the deadline is in 3 weeks and I need to make it. Oh, did I mention K might be in Paris next fall too!!?! How much fun would that be. Take the city by storm! Americans in Paris, ahh. Hope it happens!

Sums

Help me... the therapist who I wanted to see about medications can't see me until March 1st... this is so awful, what am I going to do?!? Options: go back to my old doctor at home and start taking that medication, I mean I have it, whats stopping me, might as well give it a go; maybe start seeing a doctor at mum and dad and hs place? Big girl doctor. I gotta get going on this. I neeeeeed this, you should see me today, crying every time I think of going to french class because I'm so scared, and every time I think of home, where I'm not as lonely as I am up here. I'm so lonely, pathetic, this is no way to live. I am proud of myself though, for seeking out this lady, as well as my advisor, and making steps in studying abroad. I'm proud of that, it's good. I just wish I had a pill to pop right now to make this all go away. What if I have to deal with this my whole life, being this way?

It's so late! I go to bed at 8:00 at home, now I have to stay up and do french hw, fck that. Yes, you heard right, I am back. My island vacation was a dream. Our villa was out of conde nast traveller. I want to go back so badly - i love it there, my body loves it there; My skin clears right up, gets smooth and tan, my hair gets blond and wavy in the humidity. Every time I go down there I make a pact to come back and do something cool, but I always forget.
And it's hard not to, being stuck in a cold, death tunnel like VT. The cold sucks the thoughts right out of your head, all you can think of is making it back to your dorm alive. Sigh. My classes are great this smstr: french II, se asian art history, renaissance art history, and intro to classical music, with a p/f class on weight loss and eating right. I'm kind of excited for that, that being losing weight. I mean a little here and there, nothing drastic - I want to look good. In reality I want my face a little less chubby and my boobs not so big. Then I'd be golden. Anyways classes - they're more participation intensive this time around, which requires more work. And for me more worry. And is that even worth it? I learned so much in the big lectures. I'm just arguing with myself, what, do I want to take big lecture til I graduate? No. It's exciting, new people, get my heart rate up. I was thinking, maybe it those flights of stairs I have to climb everyday that made me lose that weight! Did I tell you I've lost 10 lbs since the beginning of school? I mean, I think they're back now, but at the beginning of break.Funny this is - I didnt even notice until I weight myself at home. NOte to self - need scale. Wow - I just understood why people carry around recorders in movies and say things to themselves - how nice it would be to remember the things i think of during the day and never write down! I'm going to be such an eccentric old lady.



Summer

ALMOST DOOOOONNNNNNEEEEEE

I can't wait to go home, see my fam, do christmas, hit up st, j, nbd. I went out shopping yesterday and got some summer clothes for st. j... tanks, shirts, a beauuuuutiful dress, I call it my gauguin dress. I looked at bathing suits, but that never goes well, I think I'm gonna have to do another off the internet things. I think I'll do that now. I also got some new makeup, always feels good. Now, I have to study like mad for arth and pss exams tomorrow, meeting with D to study, excited. I'm having such a hard time deciding what mug to give A... I realized that I really didnt make that much stuff, and it's hard to give something valuable away to someone I dont really care about. But k and all his family will see it, maybe they will think more highly of me...ok i think i know which one. Off to study! Dont distract me!



S

GG

Loving Gossip Girl, putting off studying, and contemplating:
Ever notice how Blake Lively, the supposed gorgeous beach babe, kinda starts to become less captivating after you see her long enough...

...But Leighton Meester doesn't quite grab you at first glance but after you see her acting, she's really captivating and graceful and funny. I think she'd be really cool in person

I realized WHYYYY she looks like me!! And I love looking at myself! We have the same eyes and cheeks, my jaw line is a little stronger. My hair should be that color hum. Right now its trash blond at the ends, result of sun-in 2 summers ago.

Update

Hey, wanted to give an update... this is so hard, because I don't actually want people to know WHO this actually is, so I can't give very detailed descriptions of what I've been up to, because I don't want them to know it's me.
 I feel like a name is a big part of your identity, and since my parents picked a name for me based on other things, their own feelings (I was named after old ancestors) I have a weird name. They didn't think of me. I want to think of my kids and give them sexy names, because I want my kids to be amazing and gorgeous and star children. Wes is probably the hottest name I can think of, maybe because all the Wes' I've know have been incredibly hot. Ada is a beautiful name too; beautiful, not sexy, and that's what you want. Guys are hot, girls are beautiful. Way of the world.

ANYWAYS. semesters almost over. I'm struggling with this class, Logic. I know I'm going to fail it unless I get an amazing grade on my final. The only way that would happen is if I started right now, teaching myself form the book everything we have learned this entire semester. Because LITERALLY, I haven't done any of the homework expect for the first assignment, skipped 20% of the classes, have no idea what any of this is. I did understand the first couple points though. So, I have a dilemma, I've never failed a class before, gotten below a B on a class before... and how could that effect  my overall career? Realistically, not very much, if I keep up my normal grades of A's and Bs'. And, I guess I have to take another math class, which will totally suck. but I'll just do an easy math class or something. no biggie. Maybe D and I can take a class together. That would be great. I mean, you guys have to believe, I am extremely lazy. I cannot wrap my mind around staying up all night studying, for something I have no interest in. I'm old fashioned in the way that I think that the point of tests are to test what you have learned and retained in the class and are going to remember all your life, not what you shoved into your brain last night and are going to forget the minute you walk out of the room. But I guess I have to cheat the system. Cause everyone else does, and I'm not gonna get ahead being the nice guy. Nice guys finish last.

Ah well.
Love,
Summer

Story Time

So, I'd like to tell you in salacious detail about the height of my high school career, when I was surrounded by and creating drama everywhere I stepped, and the day that I took a page from Gossip Girl and played it out line by line in my own life, and for a minute was the girl everyone wanted to know. You know when the gorgeous Serena does it with her bff Bair (annoying all around), boyfriend, the super sexy Nate? Well, let's just say that I became Serena for a couple short, yet delicious and exciting few months.

So, I had this friend, we were pretty close (Blair). She met this guy (Nate!) at a party beginning of our sophomore year, he was attractive. I guess they started dating, and it was her first, well, EVERYTHING so I heard about it all. He seemed nice, and I'm pretty sure the two of us exchanged pleasantries once in a while. So there was sophomore year, i finally got a boyfriend during interim, and we lasted until four months later when I was sick of his flirting with other girls. He didn't want ME, he wanted a gf.  So, I turned to my guy friend, who has been around for a while. He totally had a crush on me and I knew it in the back of my mind but I LOVED the attention he gave me, and the random hooking up we would do once in a while... probably shouldn't have kept that going. But. That summer we were together all the time, I loved having someone around who thought I was sexy and amazing.
But then, he finally asked, do you wanna date, and I said eeerrrrr i though we were friends??? who hooked up??? and he was like f this, im outie. And he stopped talking to me. And then school started. Blair was still with Nate 24/7, but i had been with my ex and my guy friend 24/7 too... but now I had no one except her. And she had him, so one could say I was really alone, and had a broken fucking heart.
So then interim started, but I was in the chorus so had nothing to do. And so did... Nate. Blair had a big part or something so she was always on stage. I'm pretty sure we started hanging out then, cause he was friends with my guy friend and we talked about my problems with him. My a-hole guy friend, at this point, had picked out some trashy rando and started dating her. And this chick was a complete fucking whore. Her life was drama, and if there wasn't any around, she fucking created it. I voiced my opinions about her to my friends, when the topic arose; I didn't like sluts who started drama. I didn't like her mostly because she stole my best fucking friend and one of the only guys who thought I was an incredibly beautiful goddess. So there was some bias. But I didn't like her.
So one day, this ex-guy friend of mine comes up to me in the dark theater with a couple of his pothead friends behind him and says, get outside, i need to talk to you. It was intimidating, I was kind of scared, he's volatile. So as soon as I get outside and shut the door, the shit storm begins. He starts yelling at me to stop talking about and spreading rumors about his slut gf! Haha! she's a really nice girl ok? he says, pussy.  His friends chime in. I'm like, look I dont like this slut, and I'm not gonna stop talking about her cause I dont give two shits about her feelings. It went on for a while, and finally he stormed off. I stood there. I was shaking. I felt awful, I hated that he looked down on me. Nate came up, hey, it looks like you could use a cigarette. I smile gratefully.
We head outside and I smoke my first cig ever with him, it felt great. We walked through town, and I felt badass cause I was missing a rehearsal. He was nice to me, sympathetic. That was insane, he said what a dick. We bonded. It was a cool moment.
So after that, we started hanging out more and more... we skipped rehearsal and played pool at the old bowling alley. He even did that thing where he stood behind me and showed me how to hold a pool que. I died.
We started hanging out outside of school, we went to the museum and smoked pot on the nature trails - I don't remember anything. On halloween we sat on the hill above the cemetery and watched these amazing storm clouds and listened to the bell tower chime my curfew and hours after. We would just drive the fuck around and smoke cigs and pot. I was def opened up to a whole new world.
Sometime during this Nate and Blair broke up. He told me he broke up with her to be with me. I was so happy, finally a guy wants me, ME over my beautiful smart friend. She was devastated though, I had to try hard to seem sympathetic when she called on the phone, crying about him. All I could think of was what we did last night.
One of these burn turns ended up in my saying we should drive to our house in NH. We started on the highway and I soon realized it was the wrong highway. Easy mistake. No probs, he said, my grandpas house is right down the road we can visit. Erm, that might be awkward I said. No, he says, he just died. (WHAA) and I know when the key is so we can go in and chill! This was so wrong. But soooo right. We got there, went in, a typical old man house. Nate had american spirit and papes and we rolled this enormous cig. We smoked it outside and finally I said, my lung hate me and my fingers just fell off. So we went inside, and I got under his big coat to get warm. He got under it too... and in the dark, we met. It was thrilling, felt so good, and wow, he can unhook a bra and get it off a less than a second. I'm pretty sure I had a smile on my face the entire time. And let the record show that he made the moves, not me. The ride home wasn't awkward.
I started going over to his house and spending afternoons... we never did anything but make out. Once Blair called him mid makeout sesh, and he answered it (should have heeded that warning) and I tried as hard as I could not to giggle. I kissed his face as he talked to her, kissed his mouth when she talked. He didn't really kiss back.
Then, the punch line. One day, we were sitting in the pit, Blair turns to me and says, so I have amazing news. I talked to Nate last night, and he told me he's liked me this entire time since we broke up!!! Silence. I mean, we have been talking every night since we broke up... Silence. My insides are collapsing in on themselves. So, he wants to try again! Isn't that great!?! I distinctly remember being so shocked I couldn't even muster up a smile can act like I was happy for her. I was unconvincing, I know. I got up and said, uh, I gotta go. And I went and found Nate. I stuttered for a minute then finally got out, so you're dating Blair now huh? and he said i mean... blablabla...bsbsbs.... i'm a spineless a-hole... then my fav part: 'it's not that I don't like you... it's just, I like her too!' I was like fuck you, fuck this, goodbye. Then, as I walked away,  my second favorite part: 'keep me in mind, cause there aren't a whole lot of available guys at this school!!' I didn't even have a response to that one. Wow.
So, they started dating again. And five years later, they are still dating to this day. I don't talk to him and if I do, I'm not nice. He led my sister along for a while too (small town) and she found out the same way I did that he's been talking to Blair that whole time they were together. Blair and I are still friends, if you could call it that. I don't know if she knows. Although, how could she not? But why would she still talk to me if she did? I don't know. It created quite a rift in our friendship and I don't think we are as honest with each other, at least I'm not with her. I feel bad I did that to her. I would feel bad that she's dating a scumbag, except he did all these things just to be with her. So I guess she's lucky in a way. And I guess... I'm not.

So, there it is. I'm different now, in college, creating a life for myself. I'm not exactly proud of who I was then, but I learned a lot from it. Don't lie and cheat your friends, and don't be a sucker for attention. You always lose.





Summer

Watch...

Watch 'Lake Consequence'. Just watch the scenes in the chinese festival, they are my favorite, a beautiful ambience, music, colors. Billy Zane would be a god - those amazing dark eyes, and that body - if he never opened his mouth.



enjoyyy.....


Summer

This is hard to write... I guess I have social anxiety disorder. Watched a vid on it last night and it described me exactly. Apparently 5% of americans suffer from it. It's just the fear of looking bad, and avoiding situations where you might look bad, so much so that your quality of life is diminished. Yea. It's kind of relieving to finally put a word to it, what I've been experiencing all these years. And it's relieving to know that there are ways to treat it, a combination of behavioral therapy and medication. I was thinking about my current therapist... she seems very emotion- and feeling-oriented, I don't know if she does this more scientific stuff. But I think that's what would make me feel better, strangely - a doctor treating my condition like a real medical condition. Because it can be fixed. I guess professionalism is something that comforts me. Emotions don't feel ... professional to me. Hm.
SO, I guess I'm dealing with that now. My new exercise routine is going well, it tires me out, jesus, I am so lazy. I hope I can keep this up, god, I need a nice body again. NEED it.
Wish me luck with this shit,



Summer

MFA!

I visited the MFa yesterday. It was absolutely wonderful, I love museums so much. I don't know why - they are so grand, rich, so much history in one small place. D and I found a gorgeous room that both took our breaths away - it had a high ceiling, and red walls filled to the top with golden-framed paintings. Here:

It was such an experience. I also found this great place - it was a corridor right outside of an exhibit, and it was all white, with a huge floor to ceiling window looking out over a street and some trees. There was a nice 60's black couch right in the middle, and all I wanted to do was sit there and read and do homework. There was no people around so it was calm and silent. You know I really like finding places like that. It's special. I think if I design my own house it will be filled with places like that. Damn if I design my own house... it will be the single most amazing thing you've ever seen.




Summer

What Do I Want?

So I've decided to post my What Do I Want? list here. It's such a big step for me, figuring out what I want. I mean, how the hell does anyone know what they want? It's insane, but I'm gonna try. These are thing that I want, me, in my core. I'll keep adding to it as I think of things.

I want...

• To have a fling with a romantic Italian man!
• To hook up with a celebrity. A-List, of course
• To have a family
• To live a life of luxury
• To design my own house
• To learn everything about everything on this planet (haha, serious)

New Lyfe!

SO! Changing my life! I had an eye opening experience this weekend - went away, hung out with a lot of new people, and was a completely different person for a couple days. I realized I need to change. This, whatever I'm doing here, sucks. I realized, rather, realized again, that if I push myself into a uncomfortable situation, I usually have a great time. I am normal, I just don't most of the time.
So, I wanna change. Pushing myself into things is not my favorite, so I'm gonna do it slow. I figure, if I can work on my body, get that comfort and confidence with myself, it will carry over to my mental/social life.

SO MY PLAN:
Eating:
Get salads from whenever I go for lunch and dinner, yogurt parfait for breakfast. Fruit, veggies and hummus for snacks. NO COFFEE, NO CANDY.

Monday: yogurt parfait from yesterday. tea, take in mug. Stop at d.c. and get salad and snack. eat salad in logic. Eat snack in mythology. Stop at d.c. again for dinner salad.

Tuesday: Parfait from yesterday, tea. Stop at healthy living for healthy lunch, or salad at marche. Get salad for dinner and 2 parfaits. Eat dinner after plant bio.

Wednesday: repeat monday.

Thursday: Parfait from yesterday. After pottery, pick up lunch and dinner salad, one parfait.

Friday: repeat wed/mon - but eat during painting period in cyber cafe.

Saturday/Sunday: varies, get food at marche. parfait for monday.



Exercise:
Workout vids for 1 hr, one every morning.
Monday: yoga class.
Sunday: yoga class.
Swimming once a week: after pottery or after counseling.



Well, this plan's a work in progress. Like me!




Summer

Things... are so hard. My heart go out to all the people in the world who have ever felt the way that I do right now: lonely, hopeless, so out of control, unstable. I understand it now, loneliness. It's the worst feeling on the planet. You don't want to live, you just want someone to hold you, tell you everything's ok. That's really it. I don't know for sure, but I bet there are many lonely people in this world. Think about what a difference we could make if we reached out and weren't so cold to strangers all the time. Smiled at passers-by, gave out hugs, told a stranger they're beautiful... That's all us humans want really, a connection. We want to feel loved. Thats really the meaning of life, find love.
But, it's never straight forward. Me for example, I have so many things standing in my way of finding love. And it's all psychological too. I know I can reach out and I know I can love with all my heart, there are just little things that hold me back. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, moving my hand the wrong way. I'm 100% serious. It just gets to me, it paralyzes me, and it would be so much easier and less painful if I just didn't even put myself in those situations to begin with, and stuck with things that I'm used to, and where I feel safe. Like my family, friends from high school, my home, my dorm room. I don't have to worry with them around. But without them... I can't go out unless I have everything planned so I will look perfect - every what if thought through completely and precautions made so I will look like the most perfect, beautiful, in control girl out there in the face of anything.
So, I do this. But the people who try to get to know me are just hitting up against this shell of supposed perfection. They get no feelings from me because I don't know if they will like them. They get no words for the same reason. And they sense that, whether they know it or not, and move away. Real people connect with real people, and I don't act like a real person. Real people show their feelings, say whats on their mind, move how their body wants. Although I know a perfect person is a real person... wow that's like a vortex, a black hole. Like dividing by 0. Cause I am a real person. And I am trying to be a perfect person. Which is in fact is real person. So I'm trying to be what I am already. I guess I just don't know how to get to that part of me. No, what I need to figure out is how the fuck can I stop caring what other people think of me? Thats what the hell I need to do. That's what I gotta do.
In the meantime, I am going partying this weekend, and in this night before, I am sitting here crying my eyes out with so many emotions about it I don't even know what they are, and how to make myself get up in the morning. I can hardly explain it to you guys, only that I hope you never feel it.



Summer

Goin' Home

Going home tonight... it is a reward to myself after a couple long weeks of midterms, papers and paintings- I finished a huge paper last night that I am very proud of. I'm so excited to catch breather, see my family, catch the last of fall in Vt. I feel like I can't even experience fall up here, no good views. So, hopefully my spirits will be renewed and I will come back refreshed and happy.
Love Summer

Well, I think I'm going to become a Buddhist. It's my calling. I found out yesterday that my counselor is a practicing buddhist, and she gave me a book to read about her denomination, Shambala. I'm telling you, this book, it makes so much sense. It's just genius, I can't explain to you haw much hope this has given me. They teach that we have gotten into the habit of always wanting more, which is fruitless because there ISN'T MORE in this life. Life is all about the senses, what happens in the moment. In living that way, you can finally develop that sense of self that everyone is looking for. H says that Buddhist practitioners are very stable mentally, and this is because they have that self. They are content.
So, it's a bit of awakening for me... don't be surprised if I never write back, I might have moved out to a monastery in Tibet!



Summer

Update

So the weight/eating update... this is silly. Anyways:

I eat whatever looks edible in the shitty stores on campus! It's just not fun. You should enjoy food. It's my enemy, how wrong is that. I read books like frances mayes where she talks about the joy and wonder of food, and, growing up on a farm with fresh produce growing outside I understand exactly what shes talking about and that makes it harder to live here with shitty food. I just want to get out of here and grow up and start my real life.
Whew, so. This... method of eating I don't think is doing to many good things to my weight. I don't think I've gained anything since starting but I'm just not happy with it. My obsession with beauty is making this body a little hard to live in. Especially since I know I can be a knockout if I wanted. I mean, I am a knockout! Where the fuck is my confidence. I mean I know I have a couple extra lbs here and there... but I think I dress myself in a way that makes me look good. I think the only thing I never want to change about myself is my eyes. I love my eyes. Also my feet are pretty nice, not deformed like everyone elses. Maybe my legs too, without all these extra lbs... I would always get compliments on my great legs when I was younger and skinnier. but I feel like the torso really makes the body and thats what I'm lacking. Or rather have too much of ha. I wonder if plastic surgery should ever be considered. Hm. If I was older, and had a rich husband, heres what I'd do: lipo on thighs and tummy, add some to my backside, a little off my arms. Breasts to a size D. Maybe something with my face, take off extra fat and tighten up around the jaw/neck. Oh i would get some fake/real/permanent nails. I would get some fake hair extensions or something so my hair was fuller. I mean I wouldn't be that different it would just be like I...lost...weight. Maybe, instead of spending all that money....I could try to lose that weight. actually. with some sweat, it never hurt anyone. Think I'll delete this.



Summer

Revised

Reading over past blog posts... it's like reading a diary. I realized that I have some updating to do regarding my weight stuff, eating habits and cosmetics. So first post: Cosmetics.


Face: I gently scrub my face with a loofah and a bar of soap. Shit's medieval!

Post-shower, a little Carrots, just a little bit, my face gets so dry after a shower and this stops my face from producing oil to soften it.

As far as makeup, I use it. My face needs it! I've considered tattoo makeup... is that bad? I use pretty run of the mill drug store brands, but after seeing a documentary recently about the stuff they put in makeup, I think I'm switching to natural stuff soon. Heres what I do:

First, make sure there are no dry spots with the Carrots.
Then apply stick concealer to blemishes, and smooth in. Also I use it on under eye circles.
Next brush on power to set: I sometimes use a translucent powder, most of the time an Organic Wear light powder.
Next blush: I've been using the same blush since I started using makeup:

An Origins blush, bough in Washington DC by my aunt!
Then eyes:

Out of all the eye liners I have tried; pencil, power, liquid, stick... gel is the best. I think what makes it the best is the brush. Important to wash the brush after every use, otherwise it will build up and become hardened. I mixed the brown and black gels together to create my perfect shade. I do a nice thick line on the upper lid, blended into lashes and softened. Than a small swipe on the bottom, I do it above the bottom lashes. I know thats bad but it looks the best. It does require a lot of retouching throughout the day. Sometime I leave this part out. Then a small cat eye swipe outwards to add shape to the eye, connecting top and bottom lines.

Then I create a sort of dark brown smokey eye with some natural toned eyeshadow.

Next, curl lashes then apply mascara. I use many different kinds.
Then highlighting: I use a great highlighter by Revlon:

Very natural and not sparkly but it highlights. I put it on apples of cheeks, bridge of nose, and on eyelids and brow bones.
I like to put a heavy shimmer on my the highlights of my lids sometimes... I use this when the mood strikes me:

SO. That's usually my thing then I'm ready to go.
Now, body:
Post shower I use a cream to moisturize everywhere:

I think I just love the scent; but it works.
Hair: still Bumble and Bumble Cocoa, and the split ends softener.
I always paint my nails with Milani Creme Brule - a classy, goes-with-everything color.

More to come!


Summer

Light

Well, things are looking up. In a counseling session last week, I had a sort of revelation, and I was able to separate myself from the worry/loneliness if only for a second. She had me, in my mind, pick it up and set it down outside of my body - it was amazing. She also conjured up an image in my mind: me as an adult, hugging my younger self, who is filled with all these problems but doesn't even know it, is lonely and sad but just thinks thats the way the world is. It makes me tear up every time I think about it. And the good thing is I identify with adult version, it was like I realized that the two can be separate, I don't have to be that little girl forever. The thing with these two images is, I can't exactly picture the the adult version, or the person who is left after I take out the worry - it's just a shadow. I guess that's because this worry loneliness has consumed all my thoughts, feeling, action, ALL of me for all my entire past, and I don't know who is in there. I do't know who she is. I wonder, is there actually another personality in there, or if I will have to create an entire new person.
So, the question is now, who is she? I have wondered about how to figure this out, what a daunting task, you know. I created a list with the title, What Do I Want? and tried to write things down that really excite me and that I think isn't influenced by other people. Now this is hard too. I think that on some level, even if you are the most self-conident person in the world, other people factor in to your decisions. I guess my thing is more, what they THINK of me, I'm trying to push that away. It's been very interesting hearing my mother's thoughts on all this - I've discovered through all this that she is very similar to me. She says that she finally got over her problems when  (she was married with kids and in her 40s) when she stopped caring what other people thought of her, she says she would worry about the littlest, unimportant things (sounds familiar...) and finally she just said you know what, I'm done, and she stopped, and she describes the feeling as a weight off the shoulders. Then she was able to focus on what she wanted to do with her life, and I think she is really happy right now, from my point of view. Hearing this example, I'm just so glad that there's some way out you know. This isn't going to last forever.
I've also been thinking, taking on figuring out my mind and rewiring it is such a monumental task, maybe it would be easier and just as effective to focus on my physical body. Figure out what it needs, what it likes, how it works. Just take care of it. And maybe that would lead to a physical peace that would help with my mental peace. I guess that would look like eating right, exercising, yoga, working on my skin, growing out my nails, taking care of my hair... etc. I feel like thats more manageable.
The hard part about this is, I don't think that I have completely done that separating yet. I mean it's scary, I can't walk around this empty shell of a person. It's like breaking a habit, a habit that you have participated in every single second for the past 10+ years of your life. Like my nails, I just find it kind of amazing that I stopped around this time when I'm trying to stop all the other stuff. I wonder if it's a coincidence? Or if this is the right time for it, my body did this unconsciously, and was trying to tell me something. It proves I have it inside me, somewhere.
So. I guess I will ask H other ideas of how to, well, find myself, get in tough with that girl inside there. Gosh that girl. I can't wait to say hello.



Summer