Friend

So I hung out with my long time friend, from hs, today. And I just have some things to say. I showed her that video, the one that im weirdly obsessed with, and she was confused by it. Like i have mixed feelings about it, it makes me cry but i dont really agree with the fact that it was made by a couple of white british guys and it really exploits reservation life. but i got the story, and she didn't. like, she didnt think it was an actuate representation of reservation life, it only focuses on one problem, sure i agree. I dont know, its hard for me to show things to people that i have a large emotional investment in, period, whether they feel the same way or not. plus, talking with her about native american history is strange, its awkward and well i feel like we cant debate and talk intelligently, i dont want to say the wrong thing, and i dont think she thinks i know anything. i know a lot, i do! i think she was surprised when i mentioned russell means. ha. I often get the feeling that people dont take me and what i say seriously. We always talk about PEOPLE and drama, not real things. I'm sick of talking about people. She also was talking about drama with her friends and its so fucking petty! a guy starting dating a girl and he didnt tell his ex of a couple years the second it happened...? that's wrong now? I guess to ME, who isnt involved in that kind of thing anymore, it seems petty. I want to talk about important things, but theres something not there... is it me? Do i need to be a cocky asshole for people to take me seriously? Going back a bit, I feel like she patronizes me. like she doesnt respect me, she tunes out when i talk i can tell. i dont know thats a bit harsh, but thats what i feel. i know at least part of this has to do with the fact that i dont have that that much confidence in myself. im sick of not being taken seriously. what can i do? Can i also talk about the fact that i dont want to go back to counseling? i just feel tied in and i hate that. i want her to be like, ok, do this this and this, and you'll be good. but i think, for change to happen, it takes long term work. am i really that upset about being scared of pottery machines...and knives...and machines of all kinds.... crap. maybe i really do need this. all of this is so overwhelming dammit.

Family

I like to think sometimes of how my young life and my parents impacted who I am today; nature vs. nurture is very interesting to me. Whenever I screamed for my mother, she always came running, I seemed to be very needy of her. And she didnt discourage that. I feel like if she did, i would have learned how to get on by myself, I wouldn't have been so dependent on others for my happiness. But what else could a mother do, ignore me? I feel i'd do the same thing. Another thing is the arguing, which mom always did with me, she just was very ...I dont even know why im writing this. she was a great mother and did all she could and she has always wanted the best for me. we all do the best we can, dont we? i cant hold them accountable for my currently messed up life. this is all my doing. and even if its not, whos gonna help me fix it? NO ONE except myself so its no use whining. Its pathetic really. How much i love feeling sad. How used to it i am. there so much out there. i knw when im older i will look back on these years with so much regret, boatloads of it, because i didnt live life to the fullest, when i had the vim, vigor and beauty. i hope i can tell myself when im older that i was doing all i could. life's hard i hope i can give myself a break. But i think i need to be firm on myself now. i need to get out of this rut, i think its unhealthy. i dont have many close friends which i need, i dont exercise which i also need, both these things contribute to health and happiness and im just not doing it cause im lazy and im worried what people will think of you. what people will think of me? They will judge me no matter what i do, so i might as well do something i want. i cant let others decide my life, who are they ,what do they know? i know im smart and that i can get by in this world w/o the help of others. i cant let them rule me.

Story Time

I used to have story time with this kid who was a couple grades younger than me in high school, we had this bagel business together and would ride around and I told him all my most scandalous stories. In that spirit, although a little more serious, I'd like to talk about a realization I had in the shower today about my past boyfriends, or rather, my past friends with bennies. I was thinking about PW and how i though that i tended to go for 90's jock types, but then i was like, no, all the guys ive been with have been pothead deadbeat losers. Cases in point:

#1: came from a dysfunctional family, was a pothead, and i mean to the extreme: he had anger issues and smoked pot to calm down and be a normal person and not want to scream and punch things every second. He was a dick when he wasn't high, I can attest to that. I think he was always a little self involved, he never made much of an effort to get to know me, never seemed to care about me. Anyways pot was what our relationship revolved around, basically; we would smoke and drink and then do stuff. At one point, which I just remembered today, like it dawned on me suddenly this is what he meant: he said once, "Yea I don't mind that you smoke my weed, because I know that you'll pay for it in other ways." As in, he expected sex in exchange for weed! Like, he thought that little of me, he wasn't giving me weed out of the kindness of his heart, he actually wanted payment. Weed meant more to him that I did, and I think thats the moral of this story here. Also when I broke up with him, a friend (#2) said that later that day in lacrosse practice he was joking about it, carefree, saying stuff like, bitch you cant break up with ME, and like raising his hand and stuff. Kind of scary in retrospect. God all these things keep coming back to me about this guy: when we first started dating, we kissed or something, and after that I kept thinking he would officially ask me out, but we talked on the phone a little later, and he said, uh, so, we're dating right? it was so unceremonious. I just giggled as i always did and said of course! I didn't know anything.

#2: Kind of a long story with this one. He gave me a lot of attention in the beginning of high school, he told me once he saw me, my friend, and another girl standing together at freshman orientation and said to his buddy, those are the three hottest girls in our class right there, so I'm sure thats why I got his attention. He did everything right, he took me out to his favorite spots on the tops of hills and we watched the stars come out. We started hooking up actually after I broke up with #1, he made himself available to console me, and always was saying bad stuff about #1 and trying to get me to move on to him. Looking back, I see thats what he was all about - he wanted me to go out with him, he wanted me to be his totally. Anyways I dont know why I hooked up with him, I always felt gross and horrible after doing it, he wasnt that attractive. But he played some serious mind games with me and I always felt like I had to, in payment for all these nice things he did for me. At the end of one summer, he called me up and asked if I would go out with him. I remember being silent, and then just saying, I dont feel that way about you, but i still want to be friends... and he just got all pissed and did that guilt trip thing and sighed and sounded really disappointed in me and hung up. I've debated a lot in this situation if i was at all to blame; I think i liked his attention, and although i didnt like him as a guy, i wanted to keep him around so he would keep flattering me. Thats not very honorable, its true, but i was young and didnt know. I suppose he was young and didnt know either... and I think thats the same with a lot of these guys. But it still happened, and the effects of what htey did to me are still with me. Anyways, we got back to school, and I wasnt talking with him, and only weeks later, he starts dating this new girl, a year younger than him. She hung out with the trailer trash crowd and was loud and obnoxious and didnt seem to have much of a brain. They were pretty flamboyant about their relationship and there was lots of PDA in the halls. I saw it all the time, granted, it was a small school so it would have been hard to miss. I was upset that he stopped giving me attention I guess, and also, I just missed his friendship. I dont know, we had some good talks, I thought. I said to my friends that I thought she was dumb. I was just talking, i didnt know anything about her. Who wouldn't not like her if they were in my situation? Anyways, I had a couple friends who had big mouths and he got wind of it. He approached me one day and really hostile like said, stop spreading rumors about -- she hasnt done anything to you, stop being so mean to her for no reason, its just horrible of you, and i was like, im just saying what i think to my friends, why do you care so much? and hes like cause its not true bla bla. And it was in the middle of the main hall place and everyone could hear us and it was horrible. Also at this time i have snippets of this party we went to and i got really drunk and somehow i ended up in the same bed as him, cause his gf wasn't there, and i guess i tried to kiss him or something, but he kept pushing me away. I woke up in the morning and he was sitting there and he said, look i just am in no way physically attracted to you anymore, like in NO WAY at all, he was very adamant about it. I was like, thats great thanks. At another time, he took me outside by the bleachers and said, look, i am just done with you and I and I am in no way attracted to you anymore and I love -- more than anything in this world, and its just completely over between us, and you really need to move on from me, i know itll be hard but... all this patronizing bullshit. Maybe I could have if he stopped taking me aside and telling me stop... like he actually forgot about me, he was just making up excuses to talk to me because he still wanted me to like him, he still cared what i thought. So the crowning moment of this whole story is one time during our school play, which we rehearse for in another building, a friend (#3) comes over and tell me that he #2 wants to talk to me. I come out to the lobby and hes waiting there with two of his friends backing him up and they just start deriding me, all at once, like why are you so mean to ---? what did she ever do to you? shes a great person she doesnt deserve this. and i just, i cant even talk i just say im not, i dont know it was so overwhelming. then he took me by the arm out the door and said look, i just want you to get over this, i want you to move past this bla bla bla, like he was playing good cop bad cop with me, by himself. It was so horrible and i was shaking like a leaf when finally he left. I went outside and stood on the stoop, and that then #3 comes along.

#3: So this guy, probably to most attractive of them all, had been the boyfriend of my best friend for about a couple of months. we didnt really talk much, but we knew the other existed. So after I was verbally beat up by dickhead and his crew, #3 came out and said, that looked rough, and said sometimes cigarettes take the edge off things wanna walk and have one? So we did, and it was my first cig, and i remember it feeling amazing, and all my worries melted away walking around the back streets with him. We started hanging out more after that, my best friend/his girlfriend had a big part in the play and so we could hang out with out being seen by her. At one point, he broke up with her. I think it was because he wanted to be with me, although he never said it. My friend was so incredibly strange about that first break-up (they broke up many times after that, and, just for the record after almost 7 years of dating they are still together.) She said to me, we decided to pretend that we are still together, so people dont know, or something, i think she had a big vendetta against this little girl in a grade below us who flirted with him endlessly. She thought is she knew then she would try to get with him, or something very misguided like that. Anyways, he and I would still hang out during play rehearsals, we walked around smoking cigs and once found this old bowling alley with a pool table in the back. He taught me how to play pool and once even showed me how to hold a pool stick by getting up close behind me and guiding me where to put my hands. Yea. So the play ended, and we took to driving around and smoking pot and doing weird things. Once we got really, i mean really high and went to the science museum, and walked around and it was so trippy. We even went out on the nature trails and smoked pot there too. It was the total desecration of my favorite place as a kid. I sometimes wish i never did that. Another time, we were high and I told him, "hey lets go to our family house in southern NH! its only an hour!" even though i forgot its actually two. I also told him to get on the wrong highway. So we were driving, and we realized that this was the way to his ex-gf/my friends house. So i joked around, haha we should visit her, and he was like, kind of seriously, yea, no. He said that his recently deceased grandfathers house was just up ahead and we should stop. I dint know why i thought that would be a good idea, talk about creepy. We got there and he still remembered where the key was and we walked in, and we rolled this gigantic tobacco cigarette on the coffee table and smoked it outside in the midst of bird baths and windchimes. It was freezing cold, so we went inside and sat on the couch and he said, here, get under my coat, so I did, and he did too, and next thing you know, we were making out. It was intense. Then we left and it wasnt awkward in the car, although it was deep down. I remember I was back much much later than my curfew, as i always was, my parents must have been so worried about me all the time, i never told them really what i was doing or where i was going. So, after that, after hooking up with my best friends ex-boyfriend, who she was still in love with, on his dead grandfather's couch, I would go over to his house and just spend the whole afternoon in his bed. Once she called, and he like got up quickly to answer it, and i tried to kiss him while he was talking to her, i thought it was sexy, but he wasnt into it, he actually wanted to talk to her. That should have been a sign. Later on, after about two months of this, I was sitting with my best friend at school (i still dont know if she knew any of this) and she said, so i was talking to #3 last night, well actually we have been talking most every night, but he told me that hes actually had feelings for me this whole entire time since we broke up and he wants to get back together! Isnt that great!? and i just could even put on a fake smile for her, i was so incredibly hurt. I just sat there. She kept talking she said, yea he says that theres this thing with this other girl, but he think itll fall through soon so that doesnt matter. It was so incredibly horrible. I remember leaving a bit later and going to find him and sputtering trying to say and how fucking furious i was with him, but i was just like, uh so i head that you still like --. and hes like, welllll yeaaaaa but i like you too! and i was just like whatever, and i was walking away he said, greatest line in douchebag history, "keep me in mind, you know there aren't a lot of other guys at this school!" Unbelievable. So they got back together and we stopped talking. Fun fact, this guy also dated my sister, was her first time, and then revealed to her in such a bizarrely similar way that he had been talking to --- the whole time and was getting back together with her. ANd somehow im still friends with that girl, and shes told me that he has a girlfriend now, but he talk to my friend almost every night and he talks about visiting her all the time and wanting to sleep with her. Old habits die hard i guess.

So, those have been the main guys in my life. Some other ones: I hooked up with this one guy on prom night, and we hooked up a couple of times after that, he was actually great, he was amaaazing in that way. But, i went away for vacation and when i came back he had a new girlfriend, and they had been dating for a while. Another guy was a year above me and one of the most attractive guys in our school. We hooked up at a party and I got an email a couple days later saying that the other night was so fun, but lets keep it between us. My friend said that that was a stock email he sends out to all the girls he hooks up with at parties. Another guy (call him #6) we went on a trip to europe together with some of our high school, and we hung out a lot and just talked and got along well i thought. he was really interesting, he introduced me to the dharma bums and the beatniks which i loved for a while, and still do love. he was another big pot smoker, and we would do similar things, drive around and smoke. this one night, we went to the school and parked in the parking lot and smoked through and apple pipe and got really high and then somehow we ended up in the back seat and we started making out, and he was similarly great at it, he was sucking at my neck hardcore which i love but then i said, stop i dont want you to give me a hickey and he turned on the light and said, wow. my entire neck was one huge black and blue. I was kind of in shock and we drove home right away. He said as we left, admit it, im a beast.  it was strange, he liked that he left a mark on me, he liked it a lot. Nothing much happened after that for some reason.

And that, my patient friends, is the story, and I think explains why i have no confidence in myself, am kind of scared of guys, scared of putting myself out there, because nothing good ever seemed to come from it. For the record, #1,2,3 and 6 were are pot smoking buddies, like good friends. No wonder I dont smoke pot anymore, I associate it with dicks. As of right now, i havnt had any romantic encounter of any sort, for three years. im just, I'm really scared, and I dont know how really to turn myself, my story, around. Guys, you can really effect a girl, so dont be to mean to them, just have a little mercy. You guys can fuck us up big time.

Even More

 I watched the supposed "last interview" or last sighting or whatever, and even tho the pap was a dick, as they all seem to be, he was polite and gave him and handshake as he went off. He was also all alone which made him seem humble. I mean god he was just a real guy for gods sake, why do i do this to celebs? Its horrible that hes dead, not because he was a celeb, but because he was a normal guy in a horrible car crash. Maybe at the airport he was texting his strangely young gf (who is older than me ahem) or his daughter, i mean, normal stuff. He seemed to have been a guy that was around people all the time, liked the outdoors and doing new things, crazy things, all about new experiences, the adrenaline, about LIFE and living it and seeing all he could see and feeling all he could feel. After I watched that I turned back to my latin homework, and sat there for a minute looking at my struggles over how to conjugate "have been" vs "had been"... my life is so tedious and unmeaningful and full of unnecessary things. I don't live, I don't interact with people, I dont try new things, I don't like new feelings, I dont travel, I dont do everything i can to enjoy life. Life is something i kind of slog through right now. Its hard and not fun. But I think its in me. I love the outdoors, and I love adrenaline rushes. Maybe I have it in me somewhere. There this quote, that you cant love until you have been loved. You cant ever love anything if you live in isolation. It made me so sad and hopeless because thats exactly what i do, and if thats true i dont know how im ever going to be able to find someone and live a normal life ... "meeting people" and "putting myself" out there are so strangely impossible for me. I think its because i dont have any confidence.. but i dont have confidence becasue i dont go out with people... so its a horrible vicious cycle. I need an injection of confidence that lasts years, and then maybe i can turn my sad life around. I was thinking, again, of a br. Its been off the table for a while, but it might be the only way out. maybe its my body that is holding me back, ive always been ashamed of it. If i had a hot bod, maybe, or rather, i know, that confidence would come and id probably get cocky. And THEN, with that confidence in my back pocket, i could ask people out and talk with them without being crushed and ruined if im rejected. What is it abou confidence, what a random thing that rules my entire life. Does it rule everyone? the world ? does you sucsess and happiness depend on your confidence level? THe only thing I want in this world is to find happiness, at least something close to what PW seemed to have found. THanks for being my inspiration for life, even though you might have at sometimes, been a douche.

More Meditations on Paul

Looking at interviews.... he seems like a jock-y, 1990s, blond-hair blue eyes, bully-like, but not really cause all guys are like that, normal guy... i cant figure out his 23 yo girlfriend though. trying to relive his youth? She seems like a quintessential cali girl, but not very attractive in normal standards. A cali boy all the way it would seem. probs never a chance for me, seeing as im an east coast girl through and through. As if thats the only reason why. Its just so strange, all this. I wish I would get over it. I wonder if there will be other guys out there like him, ever, that i might meet. I think I need to work on myself a bit more before I start setting my sights on attractive, together, successful, interesting, older hollywood guys. First step, move to cali?

Sad Things.

Can't really believe that PW is dead... he was the one and only thing on my bucket list. I think part of the reason I wanted to go to Cali was him. So bizarre. I might stay up all night watching his movies, i've already watched all these interviews. Anyways. How can i be sad? I didnt know him. Some loser on twitter said, rip hottest guy ever pw. that is just reducing his entire amazing life to some superficial thing that wasnt even his doing. Fucking people. Anyways. I find it strange that we are born, and because of luck, coincidence, miracles, happenstance, whatever, some of us have physical features that all human agree are "attractive." ANd then some of us, probably all of us, are not perfect, are less perfect and have flaws. But what of these "perfect" specimens? they should be studied. Why are they perfect is it like a genetic primal desire that draws us to them? Maybe they are excellent examples of the human species and we all want to mate with them. But since when is being pretty helping further the human race? I feel like we made that one up. Being perfect and beautiful gets you so much in this world, blatantly more and with blatantly less effort than those of us who are less so. Im think of PW, naturally good looking, naturally perfect body, natural perfect personality, easygoing - and he just bam, become an actor, I doubt without much trying, and bam, makes all this money and only by doing things he loves, outdoor, adrenaline-filled, adventures. And he then takes all that money and uses it to help people, making the world a better place. He just, everything is just there for his taking. And I myself, who is not that attractive, I want to do big things like PW but im not that go-get-em, im not forward and I dont think i have what it takes to change the world as a average plain person. The whole thing is incredibly unfair and it makes me mad and i wish we didnt care about looks! But its interesting to think about.

No Surprise in this Title: Guys

I've just had a woodchuck and I'm an actual psychological mess. I'm just crying over things and seeing pictures of guys that I want so so badly but of course I can never have because theyre celebrities, like Peter Sarsgard, Russel Crowe, Christian Bale, Alexander Skarsgard, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Walker, a young Harrison Ford, John Rhys Mayer like insanely crazily... I dont know whyyyyy. why are there attractive guys in this world that i cant have? who decides who gets them? how do you meet them? how do you meet guys? People say its hard to meet people outside college and if im having a hard time now i dont know what ill do.
I had a big paper due today and i wrote the entire thing today too. Well, I didn't even finish it.  I had so much time beforehand to do it, I just , I think I like that feeling of almost not making it, its the only way i can make my life exciting. how pathetically sad. im going to bed.

Cupidity

Wanting to be beautiful, why can't I be effortlessly beautiful... the pretty girls always have friends, guys around, always, life is effortless. Getting good things is effortless. that girl is class, she is so incredibly gorgeous, people just notice her, revolve around her, her every move, word, its like gold... im kind of, over looked. im pretty sure matts asked 3 or 4 times what grade i'm in. i'm forgettable, ive accepted it. i was thinking about how matt thought i liked j... what exactly do i do to make him think that, like im curious. sure i flirt with him, but im flirting BACk, j always initiates it. so when a guy flirts childishly its normal but when a girl flirts its fucking scandalous?? what i am supposed to do, be a hard bitch like brie  and break his balls? How can you gracefully not flirt back with a guy yet still keep them interested? aka, how to you interest with guys without flirting with them? Thats the real fucking here, me and my fucking lack of social skills here, ridiculous. Ladies and Gentlemen Ive discovered why im hopeless with life, i cant talk with males without flirting. why is that bad...i just want guys, all over me, i want guysssssssss this is so hopeless....im skipping latin tomorrow to lay in bed with all these imaginary guys. have a great day world people.

No Title Seems Appropriate At This Time

Not for any bad reason, it just.....eh. i'm pretty much over matt at this point, could you tell? This poor blog isn't choked with inane rambling fantasies of mine anymore. It's a shame, my life had some sort of purpose when I liked him. My purpose now is just kind of... latin haha. I was thinking how I would if I had the patience write an erotic fantasy in latin haaaaaa so sexyyyyy. I was thinking about ben the other day. i guess i am connected to him in some way... i never think about him or that but it's there. i hope we run into each other down the road and im pretty and skinny and have a baby girl on my hip and he thinks, man, she was mine once. I had her. Part of that image though is his, incredibly handsome as usual, a beach bum with an equally incredibly pretty girlfriend, 100 time prettier than me, bleach blond, you know. Killll meee. I had a dream the other night where i went into the library, apparently for the first time, I was walking around and I saw a print out of a picture of will when he was young with the words under it, i love you. It was like in the back of the library in this obscure part, up on a beam in the ceiling, also above a doorway. I thought huh, small world/aka wills gotten around more than i thought. I went in that room, and it was like a strange study area/stacks with weird walkways, with the feel of the clark's library. I walked around and found some old cassettes, and that was it. I was writing that thing about will at cape cod the other day, so maybe that it. I have so much to say, I want to say it all out loud to someone, but i like have this weird mask over my face right now that makes it like cement and I can't move it even though I have so much inside, my feelings and my face are not connected. Jack Josnson makes me sleepy. night.

Things

I try to stay downstairs with everyone but no one talks to me and i dont talk to them; and also when i try to stay downstairs no one comes down or leaves immediately. Why dear merciful lord i am so hopeless with other human beings. im considering getting a house off campus next semester. maybe i can get a cat. I want to live totally alone, it will be horrible for my mental state but i dont care, fuck accepted mental states.
So i've been thinking about jesus. ive learned so much about christianity through my medieval art classes, and it so interesting to think about jesus as a guy, who actually lived at one point, he must have bee so fucking possessed by this idea that he was doing the right thing here, and that god was a real unit... i mean almsot to the point in crazy person. but what good things he believed in, helping the poor, sacrifice, doing good, etc etc. its just unfathomable how so much of our world was formed because of this one guy. I say he's the ultimate celebrity. Find something the world needs and give it to them and they will love you forever. What an incredibly smart and profitable institution christianity is. I used to think that some guy just thought it up once as a way to make money and be powerful, but i think at one point, there was a guy who did the things jesus did and had a following and was crucified. He must have had a pretty eventful but not inordinacy life, but look at home divine and blown out of proportion its become. its unfathomable. I wonder what he would say today if he could see how famous he is. I read about a lady who claims to be related to jesus and mary magdalene, like the da vinci code.  of course shes a nut job, but could jesus have had kids? He was just a guy after all. but look at the lengths to which he followed gods gospel religiously, why would he stray for sex? I feel that he feels he was above that. There had to be some ego in him, didn't there? I'm the son of god? come on buddy. It's powerful though, the church, the immense passion people feel for this man, for god. It's passionate, the whole thing, and that inspires me. I want to feel it too, i want to talk to jesus i want to have that connection. Maybe i just want to feel as passionate about something as these people do about god. I want to feel, period.

Another Day Gone By

What is my life like these days? Mary Oliver, 'gorilla', dreams about guys wanting me, me being the object of their cupidity... rough sex, s&m... wanting to feel that elated, full, uninhibited, connection of sex...walking home and taking a deep breath and loving nature and my place in the world and feeling so connected to the universe for that one instant. Thinking about hannah, and what she thinks of me, how she is doing with her boyfriend troubles. I think about how i must seem to matt, to whitney, my housemates... they are scared of me i think, or at least the boyfriends are, they don't know what to think of me, what to do with me, everyone always gets quiet when i come downstairs. I hate being judged. I think about my mom and dad, i sometimes cry when i think of dad because i love him so much and we are such the same person and that make me sad for him, and sad for  myself but also so unbelievably joyous that there is someone in this world who loves me for who i am. i think of what itll be like when hes gone. Whenever i go into work i think constantly of how i look, and when i go into the bathroom afterwards to change i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think god i look like a homeless person, what are you a scarecrow and other such things to put myself down. Why doesnt matt smile at me? what am i doing wrong there, why is everything not fun and perfect there, there my one outlet, the one place where it should be normal and fun? going to work stresses me out a lot as you can see. I think about terry and when he looks at me and what looks/glances mean to different people... ive always thought looks and eyes in general were very sexual, like prolonged eye contact meant someones interested in you... what does it mean to terry, i doubt that stuff. i often think about my facial expressions and what they seem like because i can never figure out exactly what i look like to other people, i feel like my expression are off sometimes, arent right. i think about what to do at the end of this fall, where should i live, i want to get my own house. how am i going to survive in the real world without friends, living on my own? Will i die? I also think about exercise, my constant foe... i am not a very motivated person, especially when there is no direct, immediate gratification... sad i know. i think about fairy tales, girls and animals as friends, frieda khalo, quiet interiors, me as an artist, what i will do with my art as i grow up, can i make money off it... i think a lot about money too, all the things i want to buy, but then i automatically chastize myself, i shouldnt buy frivolous things. i was never tought a way to deal with money, how to view it, is it good or bad? so i dont know what to do with my adult self now who will start to have financial responsibilities soon. i think of my home often, i dont really picture myself being happy anywhere else. ive never been happy anywhere else. i have a hard time branching out. i like things to be the same. i visit everyday these celebrity gossip sites, ones that are biting and sarcastic and mysoginistic with pics of half naked women everywhere. i look at these meme sites with funny pics, i feel like its mostly looked at by young guys. it make me feel connected to the world i guess, although like the magazines i read as a kid i doubt its doing any good to my self confidence. confidence. the mysterious thing that had eluded me for so long... what the fuck is it, i mean i could pay someone. is there an elixir i can take? I often think of my purpose, why im here, if im wasting my life away, whats the RIGHT way to live, surely im doing it wrong... i have a hard time feeling anything good about myself, i am pre-wired for rejection and failing... in mary olivers poems she gets a lot of stregnth from nature and i think i do to. i feel more whole and connected and at peace when im surrounded by nature, especially by the sea. i think that might be what i have to do to find my place in this world, or a least a starting point.

In My Head Too Much

I think too much. I've been coming across all these media references to how fear is the only thing holding a person back, its not society, it's them. You can do anything you want if you set your mind to it. You can be HAPPY, FREE, CONTENT in your own skin if you want. The fact that we live in a culture where you are not proud of yourself, but are instead ashamed to be walking around is sick, sick and horrible. This "fear," in me, how does it take form? I don't speak my mind. I don't think my thoughts are worthy, I always second guess myself. I think in the fundamental core of my being that I AM UNWORTHY, I AM LESS THAN. Where did that come form and why? I feel like media, but it had to have started earlier... also, what is up with me and sex. I cringe whenever sex is talked about, it actually grosses me out. Ew. I did grow up in a traditional family, where my parents didn't really ever talk about bodies and sex, I grew up with thinking that sex and my body is bad, it shouldn't be talked about. Now I know how Victorian women felt like. Victorian? wtf mom and dad. Fuck them. Whatever they did, I have to play with the cards that were dealt to me - so sex makes me queasy - maybe if i just DO IT more, or, at all, it would be less of a scary unknown. H was saying this weekend that I dont give off the 'available' vibe, that im a 'strong woman.' She said it just takes time, when you're ready you'll give off the available vibe. I've always been a little slow on the phychlogical aspect of growing up... things take me longer... maybe, when some wizard waves his magical wand and makes me give myself enough respect and exercise and eat right and brush my hair and wear flattering clothes THEN Ill give off the vibe, and maybe i will finally begin to start living an actual real life. Cause what the fuck is this? I feel like Im waiting. Im scared to because I know, i know for a fact that if a guy came into my life right now I would abandon everything, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g because I dotn give any worth to the things that I currently do I would automatically think that random motherfucker will have a better life plan not only for himself but for me too and I would drop everything. I'm pretty sure I would. I can mold so well, I can adapt, reshape, reform into whatever enviroment im in or person im with, im a shapeshifter whose sole purpose in life is to support others and fit into their little versions of their little lives, I become a actor in their life, one who knows his lines well and is perfect. I go from life to life, acting here, saying the right thing there, flashing a smile to make them feel good... What about my life story. its passing by and all these selfish motherfuckers dont want to act in my movie because theyre so focused on theirs. I cant even act in my own movie, its un-fucking-cast!! How did it get funding from the big guy above huh. How does one get self-worth, find their voice, become confident in their real selves, get to know their real selves? Why do I always slot myself for failure ahead of time, and then feel comfortable with that failure when it inevitably happens because ive sabotaged it once again? Sabotaged it subconcously, but sabotaged it nonetheless. Misery is a comfortable state for me, happiness is foreign. Why would I want to travel now? Comfort is one of the only things I have in my life, if I couldnt look forward to coming home and taking a long shower and putting my hair in curlers and getting under my covers with a cup of tea and closing my door and watching tv shows until I get tired?? THATS ALL I FUCKING HAVE.

Babies

I'm just thinking about them. BABIES, HUSBAND, HOUSE, JOB, LIFE are all term that seem so incredibly far out of my reach, although I am in prime childbearing age and it's so strange that humans have made their culture so that it's normal for women to wait til late in the childbearing window to have kids. What if I want to have kids now? My kids would be the healthiest - the later I wait, the more unhealthy that have a chance of being. Mum had rob when she was 38... I guess thats pretty late... thats approximately 16 from my current age. That's a long time, looks at how incredibly far you've come as a human being in just 8 years, from the start of high school. Or even for years. A lot can happen. I just have this vision of how I want life to be, or how I realistically see it playing out: meet a guy in college (in the next 8 months? ha) become really close, both have jobs, do the living together thing, get a dog, become a super cute perfect couple, get married on the best day of my life, have kids soon after, a little girl and she's perfect, just like I was to mom and dad, and it would be in the fall because she would love fall, just like me. And I would have one other kid, and we would all be so happy together. I just want that, I want that comfort and security. Life is tough and I don't want to go it alone, which is what I have been doing in sort of a life test run, and it totally sucks. If I don't have someone in my life in the real world, I'll die. I can't be alone. I understand why girls have kids young, just so they will have someone in their life who loves them...

Developments in my Life; or, Shit that Today Got Shitter

Finally talked to m about my hand and the studio - i was in the studio f-ing around while he was teaching his class, for maybe 2 hours, and the whole time I was planning out a big long script detailing my plight after my accident and the monumental hurdles I have had to overcome, and horrors I have had to live through. It was long, I'm telling you. But when I got into his office HE did all the talking! I was like give me a minute bud we're talking about me here. He did say, though, something very nice about me, we were talking about my possibly leaving and he said, it's not that i dont want you around because it's been a joy having you here and its been great having you around.. something something. Not much, but its a little nugget of triumph! I surprisingly didn't and don't feel that moved by it, just because I'm stopping working there. And he's just, we just... I can't. I don't want to, I can't, I have no more energy to put into it. Physically cannot. All these frustrations, these sexual frustrations, frustrations about friends, people in general, my family, my sister, my future, my interests, my body, my health - they're all so up front in my mind right now, ALL of them and I feel like I need to solve all of them right now, because well, I do and I can I be an adult with all these problems? It's so exhausting. I just need a little something to give me confidence, a source of confidence that's there all the time, that I don't fall back on, but that propels me forward, into new things, into life. I'm so stationary right now, so dead, so dull and stale. The only thing that comes to mind is a boyfriend... everyone my age has one, all my housemates, they seem exponentially more grown up to me, and that's the reason why. I feel so less than a human. I hate this!!!! I hate myself!!!!!!!!

April

Just discovered S&G's april come she will, through parks and rec of all things haha. I'm all of a sudden obsessed with it and have it on repeat. It reminds me of nick drake, jose gonzalez, the shins, all of my uvm era music obsessions. When I hear their soft guitar and smooth voices I think of riding the yellow school bus out to lake champlain, standing by the shore, taking in the crystal blue water, icy clouds, and fiery maple trees covering the green mtns in the distance. It was pretty fucking idyllic. Vt, what a place, I don't quite know if i'll ever find another place like it.
I saw a counselor about my hand. She said keep going, keep working, but it's gonna take time. layer good memories on top of the bad. I don't think I like m anymore... its just, he doesn't care about me, and although that usually turns me on, he's, I just can't do it anymore. I can't spend all my time thinking about people who will never, ever love me back. It's exhausting. I think i've had it in my brain that i dont deserve more than an asshole, but I think deep inside, I know I do. I'm not a horrible person, I'm ok. Why doesn't anyone see that though? Probably because I never let anyone see me. What, am I THAT different when I first meet people? I'm not good at lying, people see the real me when they meet me. Getting rejected is just so comfortable for me, it's hard to accept anything other that being treated like shit. I can't do this...

Shell Girl

I went to work today, and although I usually love, it sucked today. Sucked horribly. It didn't help that today was like wandering about the interior of satans private quarters it was so hot, humid and sultry. I was doing all this lifting bags and scooping stuff and I just sweat and got all smelly and gross I'm sure, although my hair got curly and wispy around my face, which is cute right? Ug anyways, I am so frustrated about how I cant joke around with matt and julian. Im so up-tight seeming, at least I think I am, what the fuck am I like around them? I dont know! I dont have any friends to tell me! I think where I'm going with this is that today I really started realizing that I want to have good friends to joke around with and talk seriously with and to vent to and to just be myself with. I am that way, I need that, I can tell that about myself. But I missed some crucial moment where I was supposed to make friends that would last my whole college career and I would be all set, no biggie. Is it that I went to vt with high school buddies and hen transferred? I think theres something else tho - I think what I've done that hasn't allowed me to make friends is that Ive slowly stripped away all forms of identification, anything and everything that someone could judge me from. Like bracelets. What happened to my bracelets? I used have thousands on my arm. I used to love wearing bob marley t-shirts and ripped jeans. What happened to my messy blond hair, my love of being badass and hanging out with guys and partying. Now, I wear skinny jeans, a plain shirt and a cardigan and sometimes pearl earrings or maybe my fake diamond ones. I have a leather purse. A PURSE? I used to think hell would freeze over before I ever got a purse. Now I'm just... normal. Not only in physical appearance, but I can never seem to tell people how I actually feel, unless what I really feel is socially acceptable and what I think they want to hear, what makes them comfortable. Who cares what I actually feel? I push it so far down inside and only let it out in places like this, once in a while, to no one. I'm getting down to the very shell of what a human being can be, I'm seeing how far I can go. Is it because I don't know who I am and I'm trying to start from the beginning or do I actually not want people to judge me? That was be so incredibly sad. How could I do that to myself? SO here I am, a shell of a girl, unable to express how she really feels. Yet I have so much inside of me, a whole entire person who wants to live and have a wonderful life. Theres such a disconnect with what I do and who I am, what I feel and what I say. Connecting all these scattered parts of myself, becoming a coherent human being. Things would be easier then, wouldnt they. And hey, if it's that hooligan who like guys and bracelets, then, welcome back old friend. But backtracking a bit - I dont have any friends. And it get so incredibly frustrating to have all these things inside and no way to release them. It builds up, its been building up for like 2.5 years. wow. Am I gonna like snap oe day and so crazy in the streets and rip all my clothes off haha? I try to text people, and ask them to hang out, and they never respond or text me back hours later and say omg im so sorry i was busy, or dismiss as silly or strange, don't even give a fucking second to get to know me. Fuck literally everyone of you idiots, you're all missing out. I'm fabulous.

Zone

Zoning out on oxy tonight... i needed a little break... it makes me tired and BLANK. Dont worry im not addicted im too ocd and too much of a worrier to keep doing it.  i remember asking all my doctors, well, is there just something i can take that will calm me down for a bit when i have those really anxious episodes and i feel like crap? they were like, uhhhmmm, no? Well I found it. Drugs baby. Why me. whywhwywhy why also are kanyes last two albums totally fucking rad. i love him. i want to live inside the songs also i would enjoy living inside the majority of cat empires songs... maybe having a love affir with felix, living in austrailia by the beach, being tan and fit, why cant these be realities? Why am i here, what the fuck am i doing here. I realized earlier, while being lectured by mom that i dont think im worth it. it, anything. i dont think i deserve much, i dont deserve to be happy. I remember just recently i thought about dreaming that i was a princess, like picturing myself as a princess... it was like such a new ting to me. i couldnt do it. i dont, picture myself happy, ever.

Courage

I just watched the hunchback of notre dame... what a story, a dark, horrible story. It just made me cry, it was so sad, i just have a connection with/feel for the outcast, I know what its like to feel like you are horrible and that you dont belong anywhere, i just feel it. its an uplifting story, that there can often be great courage under a grotesque exterior, dont judge a book by its cover, etc... but it just is so, so sad. she doesnt love the hunchback, she loves the dashing handsome you soldier! The nice guy always finishes last! Life sucks for people who are different, they will never have a normal life. Am i kidding myself, here, living like this? Is a normal life what i need, and im just being lazy and not doing anything about my antisocialness and making excuses for myself? Will i be making excuses for myself my whole life? Do people need a normal life to feel good about their life, while they're living it? Can people who choose different paths get by and be happy? Will I ever be happy?

High School

 I guess everyone has a time like this, when they haven't thought of high school in ages and one day they stumble across an old photo and their entire brain is reverted to high school mode.... It happened to me tonight. On fb of course... i just, god i was so shy and quiet and why did i havne no confidence? Why was i so strange and why did i sleep with m and why wasn't i nicer to k and b for that matter? What a great group of people, actually its funny when i see c and a together, i get scared for my life, like i feel like they would rape me or harm me, idk, they are just scary people, especially together. So i go on this trip, and then im like, have i changed? and i think god why havnt i reached out to any of these people, what have i been doing with myself? the biggest thing in my life a second ago was worrying about if netflix instant has season 4 of cake boss! No jokes. I keep thinking, i need to change! What am i doing here, really. what is my life amounting to, nothing, im so pathetic. why have i almost lost a hand and wrecked my car in the space of a couple months? what does that mean, is it the meds? Why the fuck am i on meds anyways. I have times like this, when i step back and realize how fucked and weird my life is... how can i change it? I always come back to a br, but that doesnt seem the perfect solution for this... altering your body to soothe your mind? hm... i just, i have no one to  talk to and im so pathetic and i cant do this!1! i cant.

Medieval Dreams

There was this dream last night...I think inspired by the ghost story book i've been reading lately. It was a medieval castle, there was a being, it was me, but not really, it could split into two people, and they had daemons, like the golden compass. It was a beautiful girl with long blond hair, in a red velvet gown. The daemon was a small black cat/dog type thing. She wasn't supposed to be there, she was a ghost, a being, people were afraid of her... she hid... but once a soldier or a guard saw her, saw them, he told her to get out of there, to leave. But there was so much tension, one of the half of the being felt such electricity between them. He was scruffy, handsome, weary, he saw her and her beauty but what could he do, she was a being, a ghost, a freak, different... as he turned his back on them to catch up with his men. He rounded the corner to descend the stairs... and just as he was about to go in, she ran to him, grabbed his shoulder and turned him to face ehr, and pressed him against the wall, and kissed him hard. (he actually bumped his head pretty hard haha) She needed him, she couldn't help herself you know. It was passion, she saw his old soul, his eyes, his body, his whole being and she loved every bit of it. He kissed her back, he wanted a beautiful body, he wanted to have the privilege of having her. It was scary... she wasnt human, her other half was around the corner, he knew he shouldnt, but he had to.

Pegasuses and Tommatt

That's my new name for the Tom H and matt hybrid that i've created in my brain and had a surprising amount of dreams about... like last night. He was like a drill sergeant, leader type thing in this kids camp/school/ training place, it was like we were training for the military. I just remember me being in a group and us throwing spears, and when we would celebrate we would all throw our spears straight up in the air and I remember people getting speared right through as they came back down. very GOT style. I remember figuring out where i should go so i wouldn't get speared. We also rode horses, we each had a special horse, mine was dark and big, named juno and julian or something. SOmething had happened and they shut down the place for a while, or we went to war? All us kids got back and tommatt was standing at the gate with our horses inside, he was all patronly and nice, and then he open the gate up and we all ran in, and then he blew a whistle and all the horse came goloping towards us, right to their kid, and then i saw juno and she was so huge, and i swung up on her real fast and then i realized she had WINGS! she had grown wings and they were  huge and strong and she lifted us both off the ground and we circled the pasture then flew off into the sunset! And it was jsut like the end of a movie, credits started rolling after that, i swear. and then i woke up. themes: me as a kid, matts kids? matt as a father figure, tom in war horse, g.o.t and violence...old places houses, etc. i did watch a bunch of interviews with tom and the avengers last night, its an obsession. still is. i havnt gotten over him, i beat myself up for becoming interested in celebrities, christ im setting myself up. I wish I wold stop watching videos of him becuase that makes me like him all the more. sigh. also, i'd love to ride a pegasus.

-s

So this one time...

I am in the midst of writing a huuuuge paper that i am way behind on but i just need to tell this hilarious story that happened to me. The hilarity of it just dawned on me I think, so I need to tell it now. So back in his school we had out sober graduation party yay! aka the lamest party in all of history. There was this one guy, who i had a history with, i wanted to be friends, but he wanted to date, then i said no i dont want to date, then he blew me off and started dating this rando, all the while iim saying i just want to be friends, period, and then finally he starts acknowledging my existence again, and we start talking, he really different though, and ive moved way on form wanting to be friends... but anyways its during that last period. so everyone else is sleepnig or being lame, and we go off, he says he wants to show me some music that he made. i though he like made beats, so i was like sure. he takes me down to his car which is like in the field, ad i though, ok, hes gonna play me a tape in his car. So he sits in the passenger side, is all of a sudden holding a basketball, and starts RAPPING!!! like, rapping, about basketball!!!!! and he was so loud and i was like so surprised and taken aback, i literally wanted to laugh out out loud.  remember glancing up at the house frequently to make sure no one was hearing this. I got tears in my eyes, you know when im embarrassed for someone? so i was just like standing there, at the door, and hes there getting all into it, thinking hes really good, which hes not, I mean I guess he could be but i dontt give a shit about rap so i didnt care for it. and he goes on. and on. fiiinally he stops. and i like quiet, trying to seem all amazed into silence when really i have no idea what to say. im like, wow, wow, that was really gooooood. ugh it was so awkward. what a fucking selfish show off. He wanted to make me think he was cool so i would sleep with him. Which, um, not the greatest ending to this story... I did. Sober too, jesus what was I thinking. It was in a bouncy castle, so that kind of was an experience... we all make mistakes guys, lesson of this story!

spring nights and fire drills

We just had a fire drill, i dozing off in a quiet haze of tumblr, sia and advil pm... i got outside and everyone was chatting, laughing nervously... like hell i would wait there. i has on my ripped jeans and a blue zip up, hair in a bun, casual... i started walking away, thinking i would stroll around campus. i ended up sitting at the edge of a parking lot in the grass with my back against a car. i could hear peepers in probably some cesspool, but it was clear, and looking up through the new leaves, it smelled just like home and made my heart twinge. I kind of had a breakdown today... matt gave me this article to read about hands and working with your hands and how important they are, and i read it and just bawled. I could have a a handless right arm right now, i was so fucking close to that, it could very well have happened, probably should have. for some reason it wasnt worse and i still have a hand. i could be one of those poor cripples people stare at on the street! you cannot have a normal life with one hand. i would be different and thats my biggest fear. but i was so close, thats what gets me... i went to draw to see if that would help, and my family called me to talk about my grandmother and i just couldnt take it, i was holding back tears the whole time... i ran out of there with those idiot girls talking about cigarettes and ran dow nto the pottery studio to see if matt was there, i needed him... but the lights were off, they never are. no music, no one. im very alone, aren't i. Im a lonely person. any normal person, any one at all, take their normal life and simply subract close friends and boyfriends out of it, and thats my life. i deal with all the same shit... i think im getting a little weirder every day, so that might be ending soon. alone, so alone.

just kidding about that previous post guyz

saw matt again today and died and fell in love-ish whatever this is again. He said he thought of me and found that paper relating to hands, and I went in to pick it up today, and i'm just so happy that he thought of me outside of seeing me... its like, i'm in someones thoughts, except mine own... he was really nice and wished me a good summer, and said as i was leaving that he was really, really glas that my hand was ok. i said thanks for all your support and left. i couldnt bring myself to tell him that my grandmother died last night... i meant to tell him how i was, but that initial exchange is so fast you know. I fell like it would have humanized me more, and thats exactly what i need with him... but im too smiley, too wanting to make my life sound like the perfect life... i do keep getting that sense that he is an intense, really intelligent, smart guy, i mean obviously hes a college ceramics teacher on tenure track... i think i need to respect that more. its almost like my teenage lust is equal to my not respecting his place. and i feel like he is old fashioned enough to follow rules like that... i really need to stop thinking chick flicks are representative of real life... i think that we can have a mature relationship, a student teacher, boss employee relationship. i think friends is too far. although i am more honest with him that anyone else here at this schoo. sigh.


s

matt revisited

I went to see matt today, to catch up on some payroll business, and he said that he thought of me the other day, when he found an article on hands...haha matt. He was talking about how people worked harder at his old school, people here seem lazy, this generation is all about instant gratification... i mean, he wasn't that whiney. but i feel like he has really, really, high standards. He was like, send over some of your work if you want to get into an intermediate class! the first thing that came to my mind was those blobs that i made in like 3rd grade... ahhhh he would be like, ooohhhh. he said that theres a big different between craft studios and college credit level ceramics classes.... i guess obviously. but now i hesitate about taking a class. i also think about his mind set towards student teacher relationship, which i so desperatly want to have, yes still, not as intense as before... i feel like that is such a no-no, i doubt it even crosses his mind. I remember though that one time when we were talking and i leaned my head against the doorjamb... come hither, right? It was one of those tings i just did. But i kind of remember him looking at me, puzzled, and i bet he realized for the first time that i was, i dont know, sexualized in some way, attracted to him, whatever. I bet hes like, ah, just another school girl crush. That happens to me all the time. cause im studly and have a melting smile and sparkling smily eyes. Killing me...

"fun" day

Today was fun day at my school. It was a perfect clear sunny day in the 60s. There were bands and food on the green and everyone was lounging on blankets. So naturally, I closed my blinds for the first time this entire semester, locked my door, got into my comfiest clothes, put some snacks of my bedside table, and watched game of thrones all day. Naturally. I wouldn't have been able to stand it, I would the only person alone walking through campus wearing jeans and a teeshirt instead of cuttoffs and bikinis. The funny part is, a section of me feels bad that im not participating....but the majority of me is like, girl, you have a damn comfy bed and anyways, the world needs a little color, a little range to make things go round. Life would be boring for everyone if it wasn't, and most of all life for ME would be incredibly boring. day drinking has its place, man.

my daddy

my daddy visited me today. he just drove over for the day. it was actually really nice - i think he is so similar to me, that i feel like i can tell him how im really feeling, as well as the things he says about life, i feel like they really apply to me, sometimes they are hard truths, but so so necessary. i just feel like ive lived a couple more years after he leaves and hes imparted his wisdom to me. for example, it doesnt matter what the hell you do in life, theres no "right" path for you, right way to go, as long as you do something. dont focus on the right thing, and focus on what you like. you can change jobs if you want. you can always change.... im blabbling i dont even know why im writing. im just worried about funday tomorrow... ug i hate having to exclude myself and feeling different... all i want/NEED to do tomorrow is go to the library and get shit done but ill probably end up watching movies in my bed all day. maybe ill go on a hike! oooh. i like that. it going to be a gorgeous weekend. i wish i could get outside and not have to worry about people - another point for the country id say. ug. so matt said he liked my taste in music and he wants my ipod, so i made an especial mix for if i am ever in the pottery studio again and that matt might hear. i was lucky because i had put on a kind of oldies the other day...if it was another, like june jubilee or those carmixes he would probably fire me.... but is it weird for a girl of my age to like old music? dont normal girls listen to pop-y stuff? i guess thats make me different. but in a good way? listen to me, different in a good way, like hipster. so ridiculus. i hate what pop culture has done to my brain. wish i was raised by wolves.

Tom + Sex

Reading all this fan stuff on tumblr about tom h.... holy moly its intense. I thought i got obsessed about people, these girls are off their rockers... like all this really sexually explicit stuff, geez... it made me realize, yea i have thoughts like that too, just based on someone's looks, but this is a real person, he is his own person... i cant 'love' him, i have no idea who he is. This thing i have with a person only being their exteriors, its horrible. each person is really individual, i think because i have no idea how I am individual in this world yet i have a huge respect for people who do know and have a firm grasp of themselves. I feel like in order to be an actor, you have to know who you are so you can become another person onscreen, and still revert back to the same old guy at the end of the day...god it must be taxing, you are faking all day! How nice to just be yourself. I realized one thing about myself that I don't that much about is my sexuality... growing up that was a taboo subject in my my really old fashioned family... i didnt know much about it, i dont talk about it, i dont explore my needs... everyone has them, why is so taboo? I just need an outlet, gosh there so much NEED inside of me... i need to let it out somehow... its gotten to the point where when i'm aroused it is physically PAINFUL. it hurts! jesus. i am blushing just writing this. just to get it onto paper, lets address my s&m fantasies... getting controlled sexually is what does it for me, pretty much the only thing. Having a guy so overcome with lust for ME that he can't help himself... animalistic desires... non-consent, reluctance, i used to think i was having rape fantasies but i was reading, it was really interesting, about how the only difference between s&m and rape is that a rapist gets off on the pain and fear and non-consent of the victim, while s&m it only works when both people consent. of course i googled the psychology of s&m... it said that s&m can stem from insecurities, fear/disgust of anything sexual, the masochist can want satisfaction though dependency, they also might want superiority, paradoxically. maybe i like it because i dont have to be the one deciding what to do in this area that i know nothing about... but jesus whatever it is, it's so powerful, and those thoughts do so much to my body, when thoughts have a physical reaction... im going into the studio tomorrow. im hoping i won't be strange around matt, seeing as i just penned a fantasy of us doing it in his office... jeez. im wearing a pink shirt tomorrow, girly, maybe he'll see me as such... girl=sex, right?


-s

Longing

I think I am projecting all the guys I want to be with onto matt right now. Because matt is the only guy i have any sort of relationship with. colton haynes, who is an angel, t hiddleston, matt goode ( i like brits) are my obsessions at the moment, they consume me and i cant help but want them, i need them, i just need anyone... and matt is there. i keep having crazy fantasies about him and i, late at night in his office... i know that he is professional, mum said the other day that he's just looking out for himself... he would be disgusted at the proposition, and he would turn me down and all he would get from it is a little ego boost, and my entire life would be ruined, and i probably would die. I need to remember at time like these that the only single reason that i am at interested in matt is that THERE IS NO ONE ELSE. he shouldn't flatter himself and i shouldn't act on it. but jesus i just cant help but think, what if he is like that, has those thoughts... i just research extensively student-teacher affairs. s doesn't seems to have a policy... people say it never end well. well, obviously. they say its usually not allowed if you are in the same dept or they might have any influence on your academics. god, how pathetic do i sound right now?? I just, guys understand me, i cant get off this because there is a possibility, however fucking small, that this could happen!!! Maybe hes going through a midlife crisis and needs a distraction, no one really knows why he left illinios... maybe im attractive in an 80s sense, even though im not really conventionally attractive, or really attractive at all, but maybe i remind him of the old days, maybe i could be a distraction, a faceless distraction who would be tossed out on the street as soon as he's lived out his fantasies, left there, totally empty and used up and wasted with nothing left inside because i had given it all away to an older guy who only pretended to care about me and was really thinking about his wife or something else all those nights. I feel like thats how it would turn out, i feel like thats all i expect out of a relationship, its gotten to the point where i almost want that too... i'd take anything, even fake feelings, any feelings are good feelings, any touches are good touches....

Reflecting

I just got back from drawing where we got covered head to toe in powdered charcoal, after which I got dinner and shoved two pieces of pizza and a piece of pie down my throat, then took a shower, then I got here and I don't think I've moved for a whole hour. I just need some time to get my legs back under me - introvert 100%. I've been thinking a lot about how other see me, how they interact with me, not just in the usual self conscious way thinking that everyone judges me which I still think. I think I must come off as a little weird, in the most generic way - I think I might come off, as unaware of the world around me, I don't joke with people a lot, I don't directly reference myself, I'm not totally open an open book, I don't put my feelings out there, I don't fool around... I think that can come off to people as slow, dull, boring... but god is it not boring? I'm bored by people like that. That, my friends, is how much I've been brainwashed by society. I don't even recognize my own personality traits as normal or natural even though I HAVE THEM and therefore they ARE natural and they DO happen. It's just sad. I can't get over feeling that my life is so pathetic... I had a rare flash the other day of looking back on this time in my life, I felt removed from it, I could see a girl who didn't have many friends or much of a life and who got her stimulation from the internet and movies and books, and who was so consumed by it. It was nice to at least feel that time period when I was out of this mess my life is in right now. Who this young has such a shitty lonely life? Makes me not look forward to the rest of it. Today i lost matts flash drive, and I found it in the lib, i had just left it there, i just forgot it. I am such an idiot. i cant even count the number of times he told me how fucking valuable that drive was, and not to lose it... i just fucking left there. I didnt mean to do that, I wish i didnt, im sorry. j came it when matt and i were talking and he lightens the mood and we were all joking around and i just didnt want to leave, i felt so part of something i felt like a friend to them, someone trusted, someone loved... i havnt felt that way in so long, so long, even though it was only for maybe a minute...

t + m revisited

I take it back. They look exactly the fucking same. Holy. look at his gif webiste on tumblr. The 1882 photo shoot... I think they have the same scruffy beard. Wow. I have a t.h. lookalike at my school, teaching my classes and making me fall in love with him... its not too hard. t.h and m.w for ever >>>>

t + m

For some reason in my little mind tom hid. and matt have the same allue. I think they look similar. They have the same eyes, the same mischievous look, a great smile... I think its the smile with both of them, when matt smiles its literally the greatest thing on the planet, and just being able to witness that with both of them... it makes you feel like youre special in some way...what neglect or horrible event happened to me as a child so I have to be constantly loved and the center of attention and worshipped? Maybe becuase Im spoiled, and I have been my whole life. My life isnt hard, its...too easy. wow. A little hardship...it brings out the best in me, I show myself and others what I can do. My true colors come out. I wish I could come out of my comfort zone a little more often. I might have to resort to purposfully injuring myself just to have a little excitement in my life. Ive actually thought about that. I look back at my posts before my accident and I was so incredibly pathetic. I probably would have died of loneliness and boredom if nothing had happened... Its just so sad. How can a life be so horrible and lonely and sad? Just breathe and think of matt smiling at you....
-s

A similar post

I keep having this fantasy where i come into the pottery studio, just like I'm checking in with matt about work or something, and i have on that tight shirt i got, and jeans or maybe a nice skirt and hair and makeup impeccably done, and julian comes up and hes like wow youre dressed up where are you going and im whisper to him I have a date, and then hes yells out p has a daaaaate to the whole studio then i go to matts office and j says to matt p has a date tonight doesnt she look great? I bet that would jsut be super awkward for matt tho. Im a student, hes a teacher. im pathetic. this whole thing is pathetic. i dont actually want to have SEX with matt. that would be gross. i think im still a fifth grader in that perspective by thinking sex is gross. Ive never had a good experience with sex. i think i just want him to want me. I want to say that someone amazing liked me, i want to have that power... hm. revealing.
-s

a post w/o reason

I wonder why he talks to me, he seems so open? Does he enjoy it? I feel like I just ask questions and the just sit there and let him answer them. But people like talking about themselves don't they? Maybe not if it's to a little girl who is weird and shady and you know nothing about. I found out his wifes name is melanie. pretty huh. He must call her mel. I mean, matt's just the most normal seeming guy on the planet, maybe a little more badass, cool, and creative than most but mostly normal. I wonder how they met you know? Is melanie normal too? Are most people normal and they find other normal people to settle down with and love isn't really this huge incredible lightning flash of incredible feeling it's just wanting someone to talk to at night when everything is quiet and when you could feel like you are the only person on the planet and you question whether you really exist or not but then you feel their warmth beside you and you hear their slow breaths and you know at least one person on this huge entire planet cares if you are there or not. Just one, it can make all the difference. Matt was talking about hurting his back once and how he just wanted everything to be better because he had lots of work to do and he just wanted a miracle, but he said i guess the bodys really not like that. And its true, i think so much of our identities are associated with our brains, our thoughts, but the body is a big part too. It cant come up with all these bullshit emotions that make us do stupid things, but it is dependable, strong, resistant. Stupid fucking brains life would be so much simpler without them. We could focus on the basics. How to calm your thoughts and live simply? Practice? Putting yourself in a simple situation with a cabin in the woods? Living life, learning that thoughts get you in trouble? Feelings get you in trouble? feelings for an incredible married man who is smart and talented and actually notices your existence and notices when you speak and is upset when something bad happens to me? People enjoy being around extroverts though, dont they. Its fun easy, exciting, engaging, no awkward silences. With introverts, its just more effort for things to not be awkward. Why be when an introvert when you can have fun with an extrovert? its a no brainer. I wouldn't pick me. If i'm normal, a run of the mill girl... why normal guy would pick me then? Hopeless. I keep thinking about someday wearing that tight peplum shirt i got today to the pottery studio... has matt ever thought of it? Have i really? Would he if he saw me? Does seeing boobs and a small waist make him think of sex, like is that all it takes? Is he that shallow, its almost insulting. Although I"m not saying pursue it, I'm saying think, a fleeting though. Thats all, that would make me so happy it I knew it crossed his mind...I keep thinking about archer and how that kind of guy turns me on. 100% dick, selfish, asshole, uses women, disrespectful... why. why in the hell. it's something like, because he likes sex and is sexual and sleeps with, well, anything, I know i would have a chance... its an easy target. I wouldnt have to coax it out of him. But is sex all i want? The few times you've had it have sucked. isnt love, caring what i want? its not like im pursuing one or the other though, my life isnt heading way down the wrong path. It isnt really going anywhere to be honest. I havnt picked a path, ive found a place on the path thats agreeable and ive decided to hang around for a bit. Where am i going so fast anyway. A path indicates that one is on their way somewhere...what, death? Why are we hurrying? I just see it as, if im comfortable, why fuck it up. how often do we find people that love us an some place that we feel safe. how fucking often. My rationale for life at this moment. I just found out that the father of an incredible guy that h and i met on our cross country trip is dying. hes on life support and their pulling the plug in a couple days. We had dinner at the guys house, and that dinner was literally one of the highlights of the trip, the mum and dad were such a great couple, so hilarious, the dad was really quiet and smiling and nice and the mom was a loose cannon, lous, hilarious. I remember , when he was driving us home, he said god they are too insane, and I said, yea, but I think they even eachother out. And he was quiet and said yea i think you're right, i never thought of that. And now, the mum won't have her other half, her balancer in life... life's unfair i soppose. My whole heart is in santa fe right now.

-s

Scaring Myself

Sometimes I scare myself, I do things I don't understand. Now for exaple. It's 4:40am and I just woke up craving a poptart, so I got up and felt totally high or something, and now im on tumblr and 9gag and doing nothing. and jsut now, i was looking at my stickies, and i found this: box with red angry inside, sickly sweet outside. What the hell is thatand where did it come from? I have literally no recollection of it. It gets me thinking about my medication, is it really the right thing for me? IM lazy, tired, forgetful. This is so idiotic. I need sleep.

M.M. (more matt)

It's bad. I saw him again today, I dont even known if im physically attracted to him...is it just the idea? no, i most definetly attracted to him. Its just that smile... when he laughs at one of my jokes i literally melt inside. I think he caught me trying to steal a glance at the picture of his family on his desk today... embarrasing. How does he see me? I try to see myself through his eyes, I think im pretty boring, in reality. Hes asked me like 100 times what my major is, i think im forgettable, you know? not very pretty, not very funny... i just dont know. I am who I am, what can i do?  Iwas thinking about making art similar to his, mechanical, body-related, etc, so he would be impressed with me. I think what would impress an artist is coming up with your own style or idea. Matt is an artist, he spent his whole life with ceramics. I really want to ask him about his creative process. I just want to sit down and chat. Really, i want to do that with anyone really. Its interesting, i seem more likely to strike up convos with my teacher, rather than peers... im not scared of adults i think. Art teachers seem to be the most chill, i love both trish and matt. i kind of want to be an artist. I keep having these fantasies of coming in 10 years, 5 years, a couple years down the road, with an adorable baby girl in my arms, coming in to say hi to matt and see the old place, there nothing sexual about that, itd more be like two friends saying hi. I am the age where I can be friends with adults. im 2 fucking 1 for christs sake. This idea of making advances on a teacher seems so foreign to me, how would you even go about it? do they go about it, not you? I have no idea, but apparently it happens? i wish it would, i love guys in power. um. I think i just want someone. this matt thing isnt really intense. I'm just lonely.

-smr

matt2

Saw matt again today...we talked for like an hour! he asked me about family, we talked about siblings, and his....daughters....they are 2 and 5. He seems like a really protective, good dad. I was he was my dad... he was my husband... i have weird male issues that i cant quite identify but thats another story. I think i just am attracted to him because he seems to care about me, he lost sleep over me! He seems to care if i'm here or not, whether its in a friendly way, a fatherly way, a teacherly way, or an interested way...another way... if matt made some sort of a move on you what exactly would you do? probably giggle my way out of te door withtout saying a word. its funny i tried to get all serious and not a goofy smile on my face near the end of our convo, but i think i just looked mad or sad. i dont have a good...face...when im not smiling. Anyways, if anything, i appriciate that someone here in new york cares about my well being. i am thankful to whom ever that may be.

Mental

i like the mentalist... rather, i did, it was one of my obsessions, but now jane is kind of like james, i had a moment of realization in class today - snobby, egotistical... but in the show today everyone kept saying, you cant be alone, its the worst thing in the world to be alone. And, at first i disagreed... but its true. i thought it was stressful / awful socializing, but now, after almost my entire college career, ive realized that the alternative is much, much worse. also, my hand hurts more than ever before, the wound opened up. i love oxy, it helps me sleep and makes me feel fluffy. i hope i dont get addicted. i did some hw today, i feel good about that, and mum sent me an easter package - it was just like home... i miss old traditions at home, my childhood... i idealize but not too much. shes offering to come visit this weekend... as much as i dont want to be a bother i would love that more than anything in this  world. i need someoe to hold my hand during this hard time. and since i dont have a friend... my mum is close enough. better, i would  argue. h was talking today about boyfriend troubles...i can visualize it, but i cant feel it... ive never felt those pains of love. i bets it saves me a lot, i dont think i would fare tat well in the wars of love, i think im too, i dont know, caring? i smelled spring today, the breeze was strong and there was a light rain - now there something i understand, nature.

an unlived life

a thousand things i want to say. a million feelings i want to convey, hundreds of lives i want to live, to experience, to enjoy. I want to feel the pain of love, the joy of love... why can i only find myself in another person? I thought i was strong... but all im doing is sitting here waiting for prince charming. i guess disney fairy tales only come true if youre pretty,and  have money/a title. the rest of us... i just dont know where to go.is a life really lived if all the expressions within us are never fully let out? if we dont get to do everything the world allows.... i guess the world would be a mess wouldnt it. but there has to be a middle ground...i just cant stay like this forever.

dreams about matt

Thats what its gotten to... he was sugaring with dad and he came over to have some beers, i was trying to tell a story about some bears but no one listened. I went to my room for a bit and when i came back i found that everyone was in bed together, matt andd wife mum and dad.... how messed up. the women were completely naked but matt still had a t shirt and boxers. i yelled am them to stop, said how gross it is while i am still here... they stopped and were watching tv, matt was curled around mom... when i looked at him, he was sorry for me, he felt bad, embarrassed but more just sad and pity for me. poor pathetic girl. pathetic. maybe you have some control issue, he said quietly. he felt nothing foe me, HE FEELS NOTHING FOR ME, he never will he has a family. youve never felt what it feels like to be cared for genuinely and chosen over another woman, so dont think it gonna start now. How will you ever know what that feels like, with your pathetic solitary life and no ambition... im sorry, matt, that you have so have sucha messed up person in your life and i hope that i never act on it and if i do im sorry.

Hand

Did i mention how alone i was? the entire time, no one came with me, they asked if there was a friend who i wanted to call, who could come with me or who could pick up my stuff... no one. i have no friends here! its the truth so totally. But i was just thinking how kind all of the people who were there who helped me instead... the paramedic, tim, he had a wife and kids and was kind of a douche bag - he was fidlig with iv and touched my boob, he said sorry didnt mean to touch your BOOB. just, who says that? out loud to a poor girl all alone in an ambulance. I let my hand rrest against his leg seemingly by accident but not. when he left me hw told me to make him a pottery thing. i laughed but in hindsight what a dick thing to say. then there were my nursees, so kind and caring... why do i think about sex all the time... my life revolves around it... my thoughts...probably because of my lack of it... i just need some so i can get back to normal...how much fun would a fling with matt be....

Matt

So as you might have heard, I have ultimately f-ed up my my hand at work. Stitches, brace, pain killers, everything. It was an idiotic mistake, my bad completely, they say i am lucky to still have my hand. T was telling me that a boy before his freshman was playing with fireworks and blew his right hand completely off. So messed up. Anyways, M was out of the studio when i did it, and when he came in his face, he just seemed horrified, disgusted, unhappy, mad...I didnt think he really thought of me... but i emailed him on sunday to tell him that i still have a hand, and he wrote back, saying he  was so relieved to hear from me, he had been thinking the worst and was glad that it wasnt worse...it was touching, i was glad he thought of me. but then i went to see him and that paul guy today, to tell them the deets of the deed. I felt embarrassed telling that i was completely not paying attention and was careless. but when matt saw me, was said he was so glad to see me and he just wanted to kiss my fingers, and had a sleepless night on friday thinking about me, and he was glad that i wasnt just a figment of his imagination and i was here in person. i melted. i really like him! i cant believe he was so concerned. i just, ive never felt that befre, or lately, having some CARE sbout me. i miss it. I hope i dont freak out around matt now. sigh.

Gay

So a guy at work thought I was gay. OR at least asked which one I am. I shouldn't be upset, he was just being polite, but I'd be lying to myself if I believed that being anything other that white and straight didn't earn you a few stares in this country. That;s why I'm insulted, I know i'd be looked at weirdly. And he couldn't tell? Am I butch or something? I always thought I was feminine. I'm wearing these pretty turquoise earrings right now and and orange silk scarf. What if it's my jaw, I always knew it was too big and unfeminine. I'm pretty sure I would be disowned if I were gay. My parents hint at that too, they say, if you ever get a boyfriend...or girlfriend..... it's like come on. Why do people who like to keep personal things to themselves get so fucking screwed over and judged to eternity?? Why is being outgoing so fucking prized? Fuck this society.

ThoughtZZZZzzzz

I just got back from break, and that night I stayed up too late and stressed myself out too much regarding this idiotic magazine paper and presentation due the next day. And you know the kicker, I didn't even have time to present! Rather, some idiots powerpoint didnt work and then shes like soooo whos next on the list and before she could call my name im like, yup, that'd be me, i was hoping to go wednesday because this piece of shit in front of me right now would make you cry and quit teaching. I didn't even know what i was trying to say, do I even now? Shiiiiit. Hardly, I dont think my argument makes any sense. Fuck it. You know what I cant stand though, is that motherfucking idiot james. What an arrogant dick, I hate how he makes fun of josh and josh just giggles and goes along with it. I feel like I'm the only one who wants to punch him in the face every time he opens his mouth... an I missing something? Are they missing something? I just I just dont like him because he visibly judges people and I dont want him to judge me, I dont want to see him judge me and see what he thinks of me... if its good, i guess thatd be ok, but i dont think he could manage saying something good about anyone else except himself. I dont think I like people who have a high opinion of themselves.
Anyways basically all I feel like doing lately is just getting out of class asap and coming back and getting into my cozy pjs and snuggling into my cozy bed and watching the mentalist and fantasizing about patrick jane questioning me in that little room. Is that not called depression? What, I have the internet, i'm still living. This cold piece of metal and plastic gives me everything I need to be happy. Everything.


-S

Strange dream/reality

I had one of the strangest experiences last night... I still can't figure out if it was a dream, or it actually happened.... So, I wake up in the middle of the night to voices out in the hall. It sounds like Z and s and g maybe, that group, with the girl who lives right next to me. How I identified her voice, I don't know. But they were kind of dropping that girl off at her room. They were saying goodbye when z says wait doesn't (me) live on this floor? And the girl says yea, she does, I mean shes alot younger than me so I don't really know her. I mean I don't see her around much, but I know she's in her room a lot, like A LOT. But I bet she has meetings and stuff that she does. And z says, aw I mean that's just so SAD. Oh well, bye! And they leave. Strange right? Writing it out now I see that it must have been a dream. I literally havn't spoken to that girl once and how could she tell I was in my room a lot? Which I am not, by the way, I'm never in my room. And why would they talk about me right outside of my door when they could clearly see my name on it? But that feeling....THAT feeling is real, of having people talk about you and then think you're strange....pretty real. I woke up in the mornign having no idea which way was up, I was so incredibly out of it, was I dreaming then too? Am I dreaming now? Sometimes without a lot of human connection it's hard to know if you actually exist. It's a sad, sad life I lead.

-S

WWWWWHHHHHYYYYYYY

WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW? What because I just saw that eddie redmayne has a gf? What, because you two are so close and you really had a chance with him, right? You pathetic fuck jesus christ. How all the songs on your ipod bring back memories of a life you used to live when you were happy and had actual friends and people actually knew you existed and wanted to be with you? You are lazy, thats all it is, lazy, unable to make life better just because aw, its hard. POOR BABY. yea, maybe the potential is in me somewhere, but how am in the world is it ever going to see the light of day if you dont man the fuck up and take chances? jesus christ. im shaking with so much anger! anger in myself! why am i so pathetic? Why do i need someone so badly to be with me.... anyone really.... just so im not with myself anymore...

Movies aka My Life

Seriously, they have become my life, how I live. Or rather they have for a while. Anyways, perpetuating my bad habits, I need gush over a couple great movies...
Hick. Wow. Unexpectedly intense and, wow. wow. Ed does a fantastic job as a well meaning guy with some seriously messed up undertones. Blake is incredible! I think she made the movie. Shes fabulous but so very sad inside. Chloe is so interesting as an actress, she has such a presence, but I just dont know if this what the right role for her. She kind of made the movie go back and forth from goofy to serious in a strange way that didn't work. And wow Alec was such a curveball at the end! I literally laughed out loud. Unexpected. I'm so impressed/obsessed with ed tho, guys its a problem. You can just see little bits of him underneath his character... hes so vulnerable on stage.... I dont know hes just really believable. And attractive...I was noticing his face, especially mouth is really similar to my first boyfriends..hm. I was thinkng of that movie strawdogs with alex skarsgard, how hes a foreigner like ed and yet they both play deep south rednecks, really messed up ones at that, they both rape girls... wait wow thats so strange. Is that a conception of deep southern americans that foreigners have? Why are they drawn to the role. I wonder if they enjoy playing such depraved souls. i bet its exciting, because you have to understand their frame of mind to act it. You get to see what is really inside you.
Next is snow white and the huntsman. Got bad reviews, like Hick, but god i loved it. So medieval and dark and theatrical in all the right ways. Kristen I think was picked for the role because of her darkness and seriousness, but she just doesnt inspire as the princess who will save us all... they say "she is life itself" but she hardly breaks a smile the whole movie. The character could have used little warmth to show us that. Chris, hes just fantastic at everything he does, he plays the stereotypical hero really well in all his movies. Charlize, well obviously is incredible. That guy who plays william, who is he? Hes amazing wow. The dynamic they set up between chris and kristen is so interesting and not really defined, you have to take the clues... does he just like her because she reminds him of his wife? Is he thinkng of his wife when he kisses her? And maybe he just likes the life that she breathes back into him, that power of hers. And because of stewarts stone face its hard to tell how she feels about him, but you get a hint at the very end - he comes into the room and she looks surprised then really happy to see him. Maybe there is some love there after all. Because it was only true love that could break the spell! It makes you wonder what exactly will come after the end of the movie. Will they get together? Really great.
I also saw mona lisa smile recently, i love it, art history, womens rights, the role of women, old universities... cool. I also saw the avengers...ahem...im really am too old for it but im incredibly obsessed with tom hiddleson. obserrrrrsed. whenever i see f. scott fitzgerald's name i think of him hahah. its neat to see all these grown up actors acting in a childrens movie, i wonder what that is like, to act less mature than they really are, or to leave so much out... im sure if they were fighting aliens in real life there would be a lot of expletives.. what is it like when they are all hanging out? I've always wondered that, what famous actors are like when they are hanging with each other... maybe Ill become a famous actor and find out...

I think my arch is collapsing because my entire heel is numb. its kind of exciting i wonder if ill need surgery! then ill have a story to tell. also my counselor was listening to me blab away and said, you know it sounds like you have all these hopes and dreams and people say you seem outgoing at first, and you want to skydive and travel around the world... maybe you are actually outgoingISH and its just inside you right now. It so interesting, I think she is right. Why am I so bubbly when I first meet people? Why dont i get someone and go travel around the world on a sailboat? Why dont I hitch to hollywood and hook up with some gorgeous people and learn all their secrets? Why dont I do acid? Why dont I go skydiving, learn how to surf, learn how to horseback ride, learn how to play the african drums? WHy the heck do you want to sit at a desk all day and study art history? boring as hell jesus.  I really REALLY hope I can do this, I can find the strength in myself, I know, I really hope it is there somewhere, or rather, I hope I find it, and that I can do all the things ive always wanted, and can really live. I hope there is a life out there for me somewhere.


-Summer

mother

I talked with my mother today. I dont know why but I seem to place the blame for my current dilemma  on her - she passed her shy genes on to me, she was to protective, she didnt give me enough encouragement, shes too shallow, she cares too much about what others think about her and her kids. But I don't know how she could have been any different. I think the whole problem here is me. I am standing in the way of myself, I, my mind, something somewhere inside me is not allowing me to go out and meet people and be happy. I wonder why I can't just realize how to change, I wish I could just step out of my body and see what I look like and what I do from an outside perspective. I'm too in my head. Maybe if I film myself over the course of one whole day, try to have my computer with me, out and open haha. It's jsut so strange. I'm also listening to hs great pandora station chillwave so I cant really think full thoughts right now. I initially hate it when mum says, yes, this is a real problem and you need to get some real help with it. But then she says its OK to talk about ones problems and weaknesses! It's healthy. I guess she might have a point, i used to keep it all bottled up at uvt... aw well. Off to netflix!

New News

It's been a while. I started writing my dreams elsewhere at home, in my diary. They got weird, weirder, when I was home. But I'm here now back at school, only now I'm in a single.... haha I bet you read that now I'M SINGLE... which is amusing, because I have and always will be single. At least thats what it feels like! At least in my old room I had a connection with someone, however small, that was constant and somewhat intimate. It's the connections I miss. I'm scared of not having them, I'm scared of being... alone. How common a sentiment but how true, how motherfucking true. Watching this movie, I saw demi moore falling in love with these two guys, and she didn't know what to do and she was sad, then happy, then angry, then EVERYTHING and she was so alive. And i've just never felt that, i've never been SO connected with a person. And I just want to have that, I want to feel love because i think that's what makes life bearable. I wonder if this is just me wanting what I dont have. But I cant ignore this feeling! It feels like a part of me is missing, as if the whole world is just going by without me, leaving me behind, not even knowing I was there in the first place... I just get so overcome sometimes, with the sadness, and seeming hopelessness of my situation. How to get out, where do go, what to do... I wonder if the answer is to go day by day, not think so macro. I feel at such a precipice though, such a turning point, as if my actions now will really determine a lot... I mean right now, my body is just about as good as it's ever going to get, my face, etc etc, I mean I hope I'm not one of those people who whine over wrinkles like mum but you never know - I just dont want to feel like I've wasted these years of my life. I JEST NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT EVERYTHING. I'm sick of being alone.

Dream 2

Dream last night...
Mom and I were in the house, it was late, and these guys tried to break in. We went around making sure all the doors and windows were locked, but then I noticed the front door was wide open. I ran into the mudroom trying to get there in time, because they were coming up the steps, and I get there just as the head guy came through the door. I flung myself against the door trying to close it, but he is strong and keeps it open. I hit his shoulder and try to push away his head, pretty much girl fighting, and he chuckled, but annoyed like. Then he got sick of it, and pushed me away up against the wall. One hand was on my belly and his arm was across my neck. He was intense and dark and scary, but I had the feeling that he wouldn't really hurt me... I didn't even try to put up a fight and was going to let him do whatever me wanted to me, until mom came in and got him out the door.
It's kind of bad isn't it? Feeling aroused by dangerous people? People who want to hurt you? I clearly have some issues.



-sums